


The Road To Awe

by masterofnone



Category: Gossip Girl
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dystopia, Alternate Universe - Mutants, Multi, Polyamory, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-15
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-02-17 11:33:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 49,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2308130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/masterofnone/pseuds/masterofnone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When you explode, you will be reborn, you will bloom.<br/>Death is the road to awe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Act i

**Author's Note:**

> My hobbies include taking well to reasonably adjusted characters and contorting them into someone almost unrecognizable. Attempting my first multi-chaptered fic since 2002, which is barely canon and features lots of time jumps and is only really told from dair POV but features polygamy, dysfunction, drinking and other non kids table things.

It’s the strangest thing, I think idly as I stare out into the streets at a pair of teenagers breaking into a car, to feel time  _in the act_  of running out. Nate and Serena haven’t moved since the news item has started, I don’t know whether it’s for lack of knowing what to say (Serena) or quite simply fear (Nate) maybe it’s both.

I can hear Serena’s question, in her husky yet demure voice before she even asks it, “What are we going to do?”

I also know Nate’s answer before he utters the words, “We’ll just lay low.”

 

- 

 

        A year passes and after the first round of screening with the bio-scanners the government enforces registration. China, Hawaii and Australia are the only places left that stand against the act of registering Alters.

That’s what we are called.

About 50% of us developed this way as a result of taking the anti-climate change vaccines. The rest of us, well let’s just say what I thought was a flu shot was really my non-existent consent to sign up for a blind control cross-study. New York was the hub for the blind studies the internet says, the city that never slept had an ideal diverse populous to catalogue.

Serena had never believed in flu shots.

 

- 

 

Yet another year has passed us, we have moved out of the city by this point, it is not safe. Martha’s Vineyard was abandoned 3 years ago, due to how unstable I’ve become Nate sold, stole, cheated and lied to sneak us back in here unnoticed. We’re at the highest point he could find, so we can see every and anything coming he says. Why couldn’t we see this?

"Blood checks?" Serena is beside herself. "Nate what are we going to do? Even with me inside your damn pocket you can’t protect anyone!"

It’s been hard to get used to her with the brown hair, it’s been 4 years since she’s been blonde but I still expect to see bright yellow fly about when she explodes as she is now.

Nate is sitting on a worn armchair, his elbows rest on his knees, his chin on his thumbs with his index fingers covering his lips. 5 Minutes pass and Serena storms out the back onto the wooden deck that is run down by salt, sun and time - a metaphor for our life. Nate either doesn’t notice she’s not around anymore or he just doesn’t care when he finally speaks, “We have to leave, I know someone who said when the time came, an emergency, to call on them.”

"Where?" He jumps at the sound of my voice, I hardly speak when I don’t have to anymore.

"Australia."

 

 

It is late, dark and raining on a Wednesday when we pack and drive for hours and hours until we reach a dock. I don’t know where we are but I don’t ask, it really doesn’t matter anyway. The last person I was expecting to greet us was Carter Baizen, Serena is shocked but then accepts this quickly, like as if to say to herself, who  _else_  could it be sneaking us out of America? He is using his norm status to help those in need, seems like the world becoming the worst it could be brought out the best in him.

He wraps a strand of Serena’s hair around his finger, his eyebrows raised in a teasing way, and she favours him one of her oldest widest smiles I’ve seen in a while.

"You’re like the rest of us now, however will we find our way in the dark?"

I want to say even if her hair was white we’ll never make it out of this but I remain still, staring blankly at a spot on Serena’s shoulder when he sees me.

"Blair…" He kisses Serena hurriedly as she starts to walk up the ramp before turning his full attention on me.

"I’m sorry. I heard about your loss…losses I guess." I shrug silently but he simply takes one of my hands clasping it tightly and pulling it to the middle of his chest before wrapping his other hand behind my neck. It is not stifling, or controlling, this is an act of condolence and comfort.

He looks me evenly in my face and sighs, “Whatever the past, you did not deserve to take quite so many blows. I’m sorry B.”

A single tear slides down my cheek but I make no effort to move or speak.  
I only lean up and press a soft peck over his lips before stepping around him and walking up the ramp.

We will go to Hawaii first then onto our final destination.

We’ve developed a habit of sleeping in the same room, Nate needs Serena nearby and I need him. Serena just needs to know we’re still here, I look at her face as she sleeps now - she is having a nightmare. I imagine it is of the night when her mother says to her that it’s better she not know where they’re taking Eric, that she shouldn’t even be telling her goodbye but she just has to. She told me that she cried so hard she didn’t think she would breathe again.

My heart broke for her even as I thought, at least you have the hope that they’re out there somewhere.

Instead I just held her.

My hand finds Nate’s shoulder on on the mattress behind me before I’ve shifted onto my back. He sighs out a ‘Hmm’. before slowly but steadily fixing a gaze on me, waiting.

"Nightmare." I say quickly.

In what feels like an age old ballet, he props himself up on one elbow and looks over at Serena, it’s dim; a candle is under a lantern in the opposite corner. He then takes his other arm and it goes to my waist, pulling me closer to him as he begins to maneuver us to switch places so that he can calm Serena down. We are laid out on a king mattress on the floor in the corner of a room, hidden away as the boat goes on rocking from side to side ever so slightly. As Serena’s whimpers intensify then fade out after Nate pulls her into his side his hand finds mine in the darkness.

The days of me hating her for stealing my boyfriend, hating him for wanting her, feeling not good enough for either of them seem so, so fickle and impossibly far away. This is dark, it is desperate but it’s  **real** , we are all dedicated to each other’s survival.

One bottle of any strong liquor is all it takes for the hard, neutral lines we’ve drawn to fall away. Though these days that’s the last thing on any one’s mind, and since I’ve started talking less Nate has been more careful with me, protective but rarely intimate. Serena is consistent in her inconsistency, sometimes she is my friend from my childhood, sometimes the train wreck, and sometimes this new Serena who almost seems out of touch with reality.

One night I sit with the latter, she’s playing in my hair, I always know she’s disengaged when her face and voice take on this otherworldly serene quality. Her cigarette hangs limply in her other hand, I sit on the ground in front her as she is propped up sideways on the same worn armchair we all rotate on.

"Why the blue B?" she grazes my scalp affectionately and my eyelids flutter shut as I realize she’s gone elsewhere in that moment.

-

Because Serena knows the answer to that question, knows the whole story because she was there. My hair’s shade, tones and streaks change and grow in direct proportion to my alter effects. The ends are the bluest, this happens the time we were in the car heading to the vineyard and we get the call that my father’s chalet is gone.

I became, all too quickly, too much for Nate to soothe. He pulled the truck to the side and ran around to my door tearing it open, I felt myself beginning to hum as the sobs racked my body. A low vibrate that climbed higher and higher with each laboured breath.

"Blair…Blair? Blair!" I remember him taking hold of my hand only to get a burn as a reward. The tears only came faster at the sound of his hiss and profane outcry and he looked at me then begging forgiveness even as it was I who spun out of control.

"Run." he whispers and behind him I see the waterfront.

I got a few strides away from the water before I heard Eric’s broken voice replay in my mind,  _'Blair, Roman and your mother made it out, Harold and my mum didn't.'_

We are not invincible.

I managed to make it under the water just in time but blacked out shortly after I in short order, imploded then exploded.

I came to at the house, my head in Nate’s lap as he sat propped up against a solid mahogany headboard a book in his hand. Nate stopped shaving after he discovered his alterism, he has a full beard that he trims but never gets rid of.

It’s shaggy unruliness only serves to confirm what we all already knew; he is unable to be anything but beautiful.

I reached up then and touched the fuzz on his face which, in turn, caused him to drop the book without a thought to his place and clap his other hand over mine.

The sight of the bandage caused me to sit up almost too fast.  
"No..". I don’t know who I think will hear my plea, or what I’m even asking for.  
I am just racked with guilt.

"Hey. Heeyyy." He moved closer so his legs were on either side of me, and ran both his hands across my face and over my head. I realized then that my hair was pulled back into a wet severe bun which caused me to reach for the clip at the crown of my head. It was fast but I saw his expression flicker with an unreadable hesitance.

He repeat himself, even more gentle than before, “Hey, look at me one second.”

But I was uninterested in being eased in, I snapped the clip away rebelliously and searched for the first mirror I could find, which happened to be directly behind me.

A shocking blue colour made its way up from the bottom of my long hair, as though my ends were dipped in paint. I scurried off the bed and to the distressed white vanity pressing my hands on the dusty surface leaning in to the mirror.

"What?" was all I managed to squeeze out, even as my throat protested against the one syllable.

My hair would continue with each incident of instability, different intensities gaining different results until any brown in my mane is a distant memory. The moments in front the mirror play behind my lids now as Serena tugs lightly waiting for me to reply to her.

Nate comes to stand behind me and sweeps it all to one side before placing a hand on my exposed shoulder and dropping a kiss to my temple. His face remains pressed in this spot, his eyes closed.

"I wanted a chance to tell you first, we fished you out like this. Blair…I’m sorry I couldn’t help yo…"

I spin around then, sudden and just filled to the brim with too many emotions to name, “Don’t you dare apologize to me Nathaniel, just… don’t…”

I reach for his bandaged hand and hold it between us before kissing him and leaving him alone.

 

 

Serena waits...

"Just being silly S." I say softly.

 

\- - - -

 

The sound of one of the untraceable phones startles you awake, you look over at the digital clock on the wall, why on earth would someone think you’re down for a 3 am conversation? You swing your hand over the edge of the bed and slide the small basket out into your line of sight expecting to see a light of some sort in there. What you find is faint, small and green and you realize it’s one of the very oldest models at the bottom.

You clear your throat once before dryly intoning, ‘secure line go ahead.’

"Hey." the other line crackles.

You fall back onto your pillow, address Carter briefly and roll to your side waiting.

"Drop off." is all he says, can never be too careful these days.

You ask him when, anxious to chuck the phone back in the basket, he knows time differences and should have known better than to call at this ungodly hour.

"Four days out." he damn near chirps.

Yeah he called at this time on purpose. Fucking guy.

All you do is spare him a grunt before hitting the end button. He begins to speak but you take great pleasure in cutting him off. Details, details.

In four days as you sit in the bed of your pick up, doodling in margins toying with pulling the cigarette from behind your ear, when you first spot the boat come around the coast line. It takes another 30 minutes before it’s pulling in, it has been 45 minutes total since first spotting the vessel when you first lay eyes on them.

Merciful fuck.

It takes you a while, they’re like reverse reflections of themselves, the super shiny Nate Archibald is resembling a really pretty mountain man, Serena once the focal point of your teenage dreams has gone over to the dark side. Her eyes stand out amidst a sea of chocolate that swims all the way down her back. A girl with blue hair gets out after them, it’s a wild thing - something entirely unto itself. Baby blues, deep royal shaded chunks and even some shades of bold cerulean… wait…

Is that Blair freakin’ Waldorf?  
You are officially in the twilight zone.

The three of them walk single file, Nate’s arm outstretched behind him clasping Blair’s small hand, guess that’s back on… the one to spot you first is Waldorf.

She stops dead in her tracks, causing Nate to jerk to a stop while Serena continues unaware albeit still managing to be the second one to notice you and her eyes go wide. Blair’s face contorts into the frown and glare you remember well and she folds her arms before fixing Nate with a look that is pure betrayal.

You turn to leave, a kneejerk not at all thought out reaction and like a blasted Phantom, Carter steps in front you, “Shouldn’t have hung up that phone  _Daniel_.”


	2. Act ii

I couldn’t tell you why the sight of Dan Humphrey upset me as much as it did, I should have been surprised even confused, but instead I was outraged. Maybe it was because I thought Nate purposefully kept this from us, or that this was just one of the last people I wanted to owe a favour.

As far as most of us know Daniel Humphrey died in a fire in Malaysia 3 and a half years ago.

He’s talking to Carter now, looking highly irritated but at ease all the same, if I didn’t know any better I’d say they resemble two people who are friends. Serena is the picture of awkward panic and Nate steps in front of both of us before sighing heavily and quickly.

“Guys… I’m sorry, look he reached out to me after he heard I was an alter and we made a pact ok? I keep his survival a secret and he keeps my status to himself… I needed to know there was someone else out there to look out for you two if something happened to me.”

Serena hugs him then, somewhat mollified, “It’s ok Natey, I trust your reasons.”

They both turn to face me as Carter and Humphrey start to walk over, eyeing me as though I am going to decide now, here, today – to for the first time in months - do something rash. I just roll my eyes and calmly ask, “How do we know we can trust that he won’t report us?”

They stop next to us then, Humphrey directly across from me laughs dryly before snatching the cigarette from behind his ear and shoots Carter a brief but pointed look. Carter’s nod in return is absolutely minute, almost invisible.

“Because, Smurfette…” He winks in my direction when I frown intensely at the nickname.

His hand then cups and lifts towards his cigarette and he snaps his fingers twice below the tip, inhaling casually as if he isn’t currently rolling flames off his hand, “Just… because…”

I hate him all at once for making me feel anything other than numb, sad and defeated.  
A much smaller, more secret part of me wants to thank him.

 

\- - - -

 

Some nights when it gets too hot you wake up in a panic and guzzle three glasses of ice water. This is one of those nights… in hindsight maybe you shouldn’t have picked such a hot country to hideaway in, maybe it should have been Alaska, or Antarctica. Not that you have any particular obsession with countries that reside in the A part of the dictionary or anything.

As you stand there in the dark, taking an ice pack out the freezer and pressing it to your neck you remember the first time.

The time that a fever from what you thought was a flu, burnt you up in your sleep. Literally – you, your bed and the hostel you were staying in.

You remember the strange delirious dreams you had of New York and eventually waking up groggy in what was left of your room when the foundation began to crumble. It felt like a nightmare but the walls peeling back under your enflamed touch was too real. There were very few public cases of alterism back then, most of the ones made public were of the more dangerous variety to really stir the pot of mass hysteria. You disappeared into the night through the back, the hostel was by a path that led to a small waterfall, about a 30 minute hike away.

When you returned an hour later the building is gone and so was, for the most part, Dan Humphrey.

 

\- - - -

 

Nate sits up front with Humphrey as we set out on what turns out to be a 4 hour drive, we are in a massive pick up truck. The kind that has not one but two rows of seats in the cab.

Built Ford Tough, whispers in my mind, an echo of a simpler time long gone.

Serena has fallen asleep right away and my silence causes one of the two men to forget I am there , maybe. Dan, midway through the 2nd hour flips the radio off and asks Nate to hand him a cigarette from inside the dash. He tries to conjure a flame, twice and then kisses his teeth in frustrated confusion.

Nate realises then and quickly speaks up, “Oh shit sorry man that’s me, go ahead it should work now.”

Dan places just his thumb under his lips this time and a flame appears quickly. He glances sideways at Nate impressed and wary all at once, “How does that work anyway? What is it you do.”

“Oh man,” Nate messes up his already messy hair and rubs his beard once, “I uh…can suppress other alterisms. It’s strongest around Norms, so whenever I go somewhere with Serena I essentially mimic her bio code and I scan as normal. Maybe there’s more I don’t know about, not like I can stroll into a clinic and come back out again…”

“Active thought or you can’t control it?” Dan doesn’t always blow out smoke when he inhales his cigs. It is a bizarre process to watch.

“Um… well it’s kind of second nature at this point once I’m with the girls, to do it for B.”

His eyes flash to the rear-view mirror then and he jumps a little bit to see me staring back quietly, smoke actually leaves his mouth at the sound of his small gasp. Yes that’s right, I’m still here.

“What about you Waldorf, what’s your deal?”

I don’t answer and Nate shifts in his seat to angle his back more towards the door, so he can see me, he lets his hand rest on the back of the seat and I graze his knuckles with my fingertips.

 _Go ahead._ I say without speaking.

Dan’s eyes narrow and bore into mine when Nate speaks instead of me, “Blair…we think…is manipulating energy. I’m not sure if all kinds or one in particular, she can sometimes focus and direct it. She can - however - absorb all kinds but… sometimes if it gets unstable inside her she uh… well…”

He trails off, half sheepish and half protective, Dan raises an eyebrow in what I remember to be a quintessential expression of his usually to be followed by some dry, witty retort.

I speak then, plainly and flat, “Explode. Sometimes I explode.”

I can tell Humphrey is disturbed but also feels badly for me, he seems to be having a somewhat personal reaction to this information. He makes a non-committal noise of condolence and dives into asking Nate if different abilities feel heavier or differently, ergo making them harder to suppress.

He looks into the mirror at least 4 more times.

\- -

“So why Australia?” It is Serena who asks from next to me.

Dan answers with a question of his own, “Do you know why they forwent registering alters here” she shakes her head no..

“This country, and it’s terrain are dangerous and extensive enough as is. The government won’t condone man hunts in such unpredictable conditions.”

He pauses, for effect I’d imagine, before muttering, “Lots of places to hide.”

Serena nods in response, then begins fishing in her purse, her own cigarette hanging limply in her lips. I feel like I might as well move into a fucking chimney but say nothing. Dan, after craning to look behind us as he reverses, spots her searching franticly.

“Need a light?” he asks off-handedly.

“Uh… yeah.” She takes it out her mouth and awkwardly hands it to him in 3 short stutters, he notices but let’s it slide without comment.

Serena watches on interested as he lights it by taking a drag.

“How does it feel?” she asks him with a careful softness that is edged with what I think resembles pity, if he senses this undertone as well – it will be yet another thing he’s reserving judgement on.

He’s changed.

Dan shuts the engine off with a jerk and bites his lip with a steadying breath before speaking, “Stifling, like…uh… like I’m going to burst into flames anytime I get too agitated… it … well it feels like Hell is inside me Serena.”

He looks at her face only once – when he says her name and then exits the vehicle without another word, Nate shoots her a look and gets out right after and she looks at me sadly and takes my hand and kisses it. I give her a small reassuring smile and push some of her (now frizzy, she is going to hate it here) hair out her face.

The guys are at the back of the truck trying to decide what to take first, Dan mentions getting help on the second leg so it will only be two trips, Serena goes to look for something light to carry while I look at what is to be our new home. I lean back against the warmth of the truck, feel sweat trickle down my neck and try to imagine what it is to get used to the sensation of such heavy, heavy humidity and hot, hot heat.

The compound from where we are positioned looks like a ranch but I look around the edges of the building directly in front me and I realize there seem to be more structures beyond.

Dan comes to my side to reach into the truck for a walkie talkie and answers a question Serena asked that I didn’t hear, “It’s in a valley, this house is at the top and the ones at the lowest point are all shaded by trees on the other incline.”

A strange voice comes through with a rush of static, and he inquires what is available with 3 rooms.

“One room, two max.” I politely inform him.

He looks at me, then over at the others, to see Serena wrapping her arms around Nate’s neck and laughing at some little comment he made. He casually rolls his eyes and runs his arms down her sides before pinching her at her hip playfully. Daniel Humphrey is many things but slow is and never was one of them, I know he has already noted interactions between Nate and myself from earlier. His eyes widen for the merest of fractions before he nods at me and just parrots back my request.

“It’ll be a couple of weeks, we’re still building a bunch of new structures in the basin, you guys can stay at the top with me. There are a lot of rooms in this bungalow.”

“You at the top of the food chain here Humphrey?” It’s a joke but it’s dead panned as I nibble one of my nails.

He knocks my hand out my mouth before smiling sadly, “It’s safer for every one if I burn up in my sleep.”

“Lucky us.” I turn and walk away. I’m tired, it’s the most I’ve spoken in one sitting in weeks.

 

\- - - -

 

That night, after dinner the girls excuse themselves, giddy after having too much wine. You ask Nate if he wants to have some scotch out on the deck and he looks after the girls as Blair’s blue hair flies out behind her while chasing Serena.

Oh right.

You offer to do this another night, trailing off awkwardly. You’re not sure how to politely skirt this issue.

He looks over at you then, his eyelids heavy, face placid and shrugs, “Nah, it’s cool, I’m just happy to see them so relaxed, they’ll probably be up for a while”

You don’t say anything but begin walking over to a cabinet that houses all your spirits and grab a bottle and two glasses. He takes the glasses and follows you out on to the deck, the night is cold as you like it best.

'I hope neat is ok.' you say as you pour.

“Always.” he smiles and then “Thanks again man, I know when you imagined the day I called on you it probably wasn’t a package deal.”

You swallow the scotch that’s in your mouth and tell him it’s really not that big a deal. Then you ask him how come he never mentioned Blair’s alterism.

“She hadn’t presented yet man. Couldn’t have told you what I didn’t know myself.”

You wonder how he discovered his own abilities then, and he continues speaking , “I uh… was with Chuck when I found out I had the ability, he was trying to turn a marble sculpture into gold so we could sell it .”

You heard from Carter that Chuck died 4 years ago, you didn’t ask for details, some sort of accident. You know that it’s sad even if you didn’t like the guy, and Nate’s stony silence reminds you now that other people did.

“Anyway… I mean it.” Nate starts up again, “Serena is way more lucid for much longer than she’s been in months and Blair… man you’ve managed to get her annoyed or alert enough to talk!”

This reminds you of the incident in the car earlier, so you ask what is with Blair’s uncharacteristic silence. If he notices that you keep finding questions to throw at him then Nate doesn’t seem to mind. You wonder how long the three of them have been in hiding with no one else for company.

Nate, somewhat sombrely, readily answers you, “We’re all handling it differently is the shortest answer.”

'The longer one?' you hear yourself mutter.

The story goes like this; Blair hardly speaks anymore, there was a lightning storm about 6 months ago, causing a girl you once knew as a firecracker of a shrew to turn into a veritable lightning rod. They were hiding out at Martha’s vineyard at this point and she started getting to hard for Nate to suppress. At some point, against his wishes he feels the need to add; she moved to the pool house for the night.

 

You listen avidly, understanding Blair Waldorf even more than you previously thought possible.

The storm of course got worse, rain started pouring in earnest and somewhere around 3am a bolt struck the pool house and she over charged. The small building caught on fire, by the time she became stable again the rain had thankfully slowed any flames that were there. She had tons of energy to discharge and was sick and untouchable for a week after… she hasn’t been the same since. This is in addition to her becoming more withdrawn since their time in New York.

Serena it seems is another story.

He pours more scotch in his glass, “Serena, I don’t know, she worries me at the best of the times, it’s like she escapes into some alternate state of mind… if she wasn’t so young I’d say it was dementia but it’s not… she just can’t and doesn’t want to deal.”

You feel a tingling jolt of annoyance, what does a norm have to deal with in a society catering to protecting them against a danger such as yourself? A danger that has to be stopped at all costs…

“We’re all she has left.”

This admission causes you to relent somewhat. You guess it must be hard to know that the people you care most about in this world could be killed for something they didn’t choose to be and you’d just be left drifting alone without them.

The silence stretches on and you begin to feel the alcohol slip away as quickly as its tingles came, which is why you’ve taken up smoking, alcohol evaporates from your system too quickly. You look up to the window where you see a light on, the girls are in there. Nate follows your eyeline and hums to himself.

“You gonna ask or what Bro?”

'Still undecided.' Is your plain reply.

You then reach in your pocket for a cigarette, he declines your offer to share and instead pours himself some more scotch with a barely visible shake to his hands.

he’s always been a graceful drunk, subtle and charming.

After a few sips he speaks up unprovoked. “Well for what it’s worth, there’s a lot to tell but nothing at the same time. For me to tell you something concrete it would be a more direct conversation than anything I’ve had with them.”

'So what? You guys just all fuck each other and never talk about it?' you ask in spite of yourself.

“That’s an oversimplification… It was just… it was inevitable. Didn’t happen right away but we’re all one person at this point, none of us knows how long we have anymore but we do know we have this history… and love… always have.”

He pauses to take a sip, “Truth is…things got so fucked up so fast… sometimes you need someone to hold on to in the darkness so you don’t get lost.”

You totally get it, but say nothing and instead just clink your empty glass to his full one.

Some 20 minutes later he stands and stretches and looks down at you, pensive.

“Is it dark where you are Dan?”

You take a full 30 seconds to weigh all the subtext and plain inquiry of his question.

'I’m a fire starter.' is all you say.


	3. Act iii

 

Manhattan

Serena and Nate decide to surprise me for my birthday, this is during the period wherein I have developed a need to go on the roof for hours at a time. I usually sit, breathing, looking out at the city. I go up earlier than usual – taking in the unnatural colours of the sky that would no doubt bring us solar rain tomorrow. It's sad to know that all these unusual beautiful things will not only eventually spell the end for us as a species but also that I only exist as I do now as a last ditch attempt to survive.

They were quite chirpy and evasive when I left for the rooftop but I said nothing of it. It's the craziest thing, the less I rush to speak the more I am able to observe, and see the hidden parts of people and the world around me.

I'm changing.

Which I begrudgingly realize in that moment, is unavoidable. I sit and twirl my hair around my finger at this pondering, I worry this makes me submissive and weak... but then I acknowledge most people who aren't Nate and Serena are unnerved by my silences when they stretch on for too long. There is nothing weak about choosing where and when not to speak with a bit more care.

When I return downstairs I find the ceiling covered in balloons, Serena setting down a giant bouquet of hydrangeas at the table where Nate is lighting a number one on a cake.

“Guys.....” I smile at them.

They rush over to me, Serena says happy birthday like I've won a race while Nate whispers it against my lips like a prayer. I let her guide me over feeling her arm wrapped around my waist pulling me tight to her.

“One?” I ask pointing at the candle. I am 26 today, Chuck would have been 26 I think briefly.

“Nate decided we should reset the clock, start over.” Serena mutters lacing her fingers through my own.

I force a smile, I appreciate the gesture, hopefully I am up to the task.

There is dinner, Nate has somehow procured us a crate of wine, he doesn't say how but he does warn us, “Don't drink it all in one night.”

We move to the fireplace after dinner, the cake is on an Ottoman, we only have two forks and we share. We are almost finished the second bottle, reminiscing about the time we were all 11 and hid in Serena's closet at one of Lilly's parties and took turns kissing each other. Nate is as red as a beet, his eyes avoid mine as our thighs press against each other on the couch. Serena is facing us, forever on the floor, a hippy princess if ever I did meet one.

“Nate... come on, tell us who was the better kisser?” she teases him, enjoying putting him on the spot and winking at me I try not to laugh at his squirmy attempts to change the subject.

“Gosh S, it was so long ago.” Nate says and looks at his lap and runs a few slender fingers over his pants hurriedly, dusting off non existent lint.

“Fine, fine, fine. Chicken shit.” She laughs into her wine glass at his expression, “I know it was me.”

Nate looks at me then, searching to see if I need soothing and I don't know why but in that moment I decide to show him just how many bygones are here in this room with us.

“Prove it.” It is said to Serena but I am looking him straight in the baby blues.

The leg next to me jumps slightly, his lips part and his eyes open wider.

Serena squeals loudly, and goes “Oooo!” while clapping her hands playfully.

She gets on her knees and closes the space between us, a hand goes to one of Nate's knees and one of mine, then she leans up in Nate's direction before at the last second hovering over my mouth and whispering, “I thought you'd never ask.”

This kiss isn't shared by two 11 year olds, it's more than 11 years in the making.

She tastes like frosting and sauvignon blanc. Her tongue slides under mine, coaxing me to take control and I smile into her then, accepting her unspoken offer. Swiftly, I grab her bun and pull it out before twisting the loose hair in my fist, her hands are on my neck, stroking as she sighs. I feel Nate shift next to me and hear his glass make contact with the surface of the table to his left, when she purrs softly I pull back and press our foreheads together but turn our faces to look in his direction.

He does the thing where he lets his index finger rest against his temple as his chin is cradled by his thumb. He is all smirks and restraint when we both chuckle saucily.

“Well I guess I win.” Serena announces pleased with herself.

He looks at me then, focus pouring out of him in my direction, “Come here Blair.”

The shiver that runs through me is beyond thrilling.

I release Serena's hair right as I feel his fingers grip my arm near my elbow, his other hand dives deep into my hair, once all the way back, down to the back of my neck then up to take hold of my chin and he firmly and hotly begins to devour me, breath first, heart beats second, tongue completely.

I slip easily away from Serena seeing as she moves from her place by my legs, at his whisper light tug. Nate pulls me easily onto one of his legs, my left knee resting on the couch. I feel Serena's weight dip into the space I vacated and one his hands is at the center of my back crushing my chest to him the other comes down and not only grips my ass but does so after slipping under my panties.

Serena's breath begins to get short, quick – like a rabbit – as little sighs of pleasure hide within each one.

His final act is to lightly press a kiss my neck before sucking on it for 2 seconds. He adjusts me so I am evenly straddling him, leans me back on one arm while the other one pops two of the buttons on my romper open. His finger runs down briefly and then he stops, leans back, sits me up and slips his hand back to my ass before turning to Serena.

“Let's let her vote now.”

I sit there, entirely undone, as I am sure was Nate's intention. My head buzzes, my heart races and other parts of me ache in the most pleasant of ways.

“I think it's a tie.” I say coyly.

“Oh?” It's Nate, his hand from under my underwear squeezes and I gasp

Serena surprises him again and whispers in his ear, “You heard her, pucker up big guy.”

He laughs into her pouty lips before she takes him all in.

 

Though we have many more nights to follow together in various combinations, this encounter comes back to me often in spite of the fact that a lot of moments have disappeared with the wine I had too much of. It comes back to me like a movie trailer for a movie I saw long ago; in bursts and snippets.

Me slowing down my pace to whisper into Nate's ear, “You're so fine.”  
He responds, “God you're sexy.”  
Serena leaning back while riding his lap, all the way, her back arching as her mouth finds mine.  
Her face between my legs while Nate worships my nipples with his tongue.  
Me , on the floor, propped up against the couch, Nate leans back on my chest.  
His hands gripping Serena's hips only moving on my commands, “In. Out. Harder. Out...wait...wait... Now.”  
Serena keens. 'OhOhOhOooh.'

 

\- - -

 

When you wake the next day, Nate and Serena are still asleep. Blair is perched on a stool at the breakfast bar that peers into your wide, window lined living room, the tv is playing the top news stories of the day.

The weather man prattles on about the week ahead. “And finally on Sunday we will be having Hot Lightning. So be sure to stay in doors!”

You see Blair's profile contort at the phrase, she spins at your voice then scowls at you for startling her.

It's a recent phenomenon you tell her.

That it has been for about 2 years now, awful heat waves that um...welcome... lightning storms in the middle of the day.'

She stares at you, clearly thinking the same thing but neither of you say it.

“Are there any bodies of water nearby?”

You shake your head and then say simply. 'There are caves though.'

She must have been awake for a while, the coffee is cold you notice as you warm the mug in your hand. It's one of those weird habits you can't give up, warm drinks aren't always the best idea for you anymore but it's a cherished ritual first thing in the morning.

“What now?” Blair asks.

You don't see her at first, she has walked down to the far right corner where the dining area is, there are no trees blocking her view there. You walk over and ask if she is up for a tour.

She nods in response.

You leave her there and walk over to the other end of the floor, out of her view and in the shade of the trees. The living/dining area is a giant U shape that wraps around the kitchen and then the bedrooms. On the left side of the house is a giant deck, this is where you sit and enjoy the symphony of birds and cicadas. Nate gets up second and by this time you are in the kitchen on the walkie speaking with Zach about shifts and the next big meeting. He nods his head at you, his hair sticking every which way and is forgoing a shirt like yourself.

Blair has found one of your books and is deep into it's pages when he squats down in front her. She holds on to the book but puts her arms behind his neck. The book rests against his head while she kisses him soundly and his fingers skitter along the sides of her legs.

Zach has said your name 3 times and you, to save face just say yes to whatever he has asked.

It's been a while since you've had someone in your life long enough, close enough to be that familiar. You are lonely.

 

\- - -

 

We set out on the tour after lunch. Nate and Serena share a slightly too long shower, what starts out as him helping her since she's so hung over turns into a soundtrack I'm very familiar with.

The same cannot be said of our new room mate.

The room starts feeling warm and when I crack a window he disappears out the front and I realize he is the source. I wonder what about this whole thing makes him upset but of course won't ask and I won't tell the others either. I don't want any part of the fallout of Nathaniel's poor decision making skills.

By the time we meet him outside, Serena is all over me and Nate's face doesn't belie a single thing, though I don't think this is his intention.

They walk ahead talking easily about the way of life here while Serena asks me whether I think she should cut her hair off.

“I like it curly.” I say quietly. She smiles since I actually opted to speak.

“For you then.” she lets it fall.

Dan and Nate talk on.

“So we've got a fully functioning community pretty much. Once your home is built you can formally figure where you think you'd be most useful. No one expects you to pitch in before then but uh... you can if you want to of course.”

“I'd like to see some of the building process, maybe help with what I can... haven't done any hard work for too long man.”

Dan says something I don't hear and Nate chortles and shoves him but only lightly, the path we take is steep, uneven - some houses are very close together as a result. He turns to me and Serena then, notes her hand under the hem of my tank and speaks almost too casually.

Neither of them notice.

“Oh! Serena there's a really huge garden and they just finished a greenhouse that has been built into a reinforced recession in the cliff side. Dunno if you're still into that sort of thing..." she bolts away from me and jumps on Dan who has an altogether hilarious reaction as he was completely not expecting her to thank him this way.

I almost feel like it's 2009 again.

He holds her up and through a disbelieving laugh his brown eyes find mine, “Blair, there's a council, I already told them that you'd probably be best suited to their ranks. We can always use another alter in the group, the numbers are close because a lot of the norms here fancy themselves guardians but I think the assembly is lacking in people who can relate to harsh reality of our existence”

“Are you on it?” Nate asks what I am dying to know.

“Uuuhhh.” Dan puts Serena down smiling when she elects to keep her arm around his shoulders, “Sometimes, if I'm needed. I used to be more active when I first got here.”

“I didn't think there would be many like me here.” Serena says honestly.

“Strictly speaking, there aren't Serena, not as a numbers game but you're far from the only one here. We got some parents with alters for kids, and some norms are here with their spouses. A couple of siblings – that sorta thing.”

She gets quiet, reflective but stays in step with him, opting to link her arm through his and he seems to enjoy the contact. I find myself wondering if he is seeing anyone then quickly becoming horrified that I even wondered this in the first place.

One of the first houses we stop at is Zach's, he seems to be a very important member of the community, a co-ordinator of sorts. If I had to guess I'd say he's a few years ahead of us, maybe 7 no more than a decade. He reminds me of the days of Serena past, blonde hair and hazel eyes with freckles on his face. He has a walkie in a utility belt that is constantly making noise.

He and Nate talk, he asks how far back we go, about Carter and 'the ever elusive Mr. Humphrey.' Dan only rolls his eyes in response which prompts a laugh out of Zach who notices Serena has taken to lifting her heavy hair up and fanning her neck with a scrap of paper she seems to have fished from his counter top. Zach has got AC running but her mane of mahogany waves is just too thick, I've got mine knotted at the crown of my head.

“May I?” He asks in a thoroughly polite, thoroughly British fashion.

Serena looks confused but eager, she has always found our abilities awe inspiring and I suspect at times is sad she did not get one.  
Even if she is grateful to not have to live in secret or fear if she doesn't want to.

He places his hand on her shoulder, clinically I notice, and Nate who is behind me digs his fingertips onto my hip bone for a split second. He is still in protector mode, all the way in a hidden valley, far away from New York. All of a sudden Serena gasps, and sighs deeply.

“Oh my god.” she moans and Dan clears his throat.

“B, you have to feel this.” She yanks his fingers onto my forearm and suddenly it feels like I am inside a refrigerator.

“Oh, wow.” I exclaim significantly more subdued but every bit as impressed.

Dan begins to explain to Nate “Zach is uh...”

“The yin to my friend's yang.” Zach cuts off smoothly. “I came here for the very weather that makes it harder for Dan I'm afraid, the high heat helps me tame my ability. I also am never really as put out as anyone else.”

Nate, always good with putting one and two together exclaims at this, “Wait so that isn't AC we feel?”

“No Sir, it is not.”

\- - -

 

You have to stop yourself from swearing inwardly when firstly, Blair spots the watchtower and secondly you see that Melody is on shift.

“What's this place?” Blair points with one hand, shading her eyes with the other.

You take note of the joy that flits across both Nate and Serena's face every time an utterance flows past her lips before responding.

“What is it you have to keep watch for?”

The watchtower is high to the furthest east of the compound, on a steep incline. You pause, looking at it in the afternoon sun before answering. You tell them the truth, trying to ignore Waldorf's intense gaze, scrutinizing everything you say and do in this moment. While registering alters hasn't been enforced, the government turns a blind eye to private hunts. You're all of you probably the safest you can be here, but not safe period.

You tell them everyone has a shift, every adult over the age of 18 does. That their time will come, each of them.

They understand, and accept this.

Melody comes down at this point, “New arrivals Daniel?”

“Yup. From my neck of the woods.” You reply flatly. She either finds out now or later.

They introduce themselves and she holds Blair's hand for a fraction longer than the other two. Taking in her hair.

“This is gorgeous.” she says, her eyes look to you as you look away.

“Hah.” Blair intones dryly, “Thanks.”

Nate and Serena strike up conversation with her and you make your way to a rocky path that begins to the left of the tower, Blair comes to stand beside you in silence.

She eventually notices it; the entrance to the caves.

She sighs. “Sunday.”

Maybe. Is all you say. The weather can change.


	4. Act iv

 

Dan finds me the next day, behind the house as I press my hands against the solar powered engine that feeds to the water system.

“Heads up. Serena? Not thrilled about the caves.”

Jesus, I hadn't wanted to tell them too long before I was to go, I knew they'd not be thrilled. Dan is particularly gruff today, it is one of the most subtle changes of all that I've taken note of since we've gotten to Australia.

We all have changed in some way or the other, Nate has become more bold, confident, sure and determined. Serena has lost a great deal of her quiet strength, and with it has gone her need for a conventional relationship.

She needs more than one person to lean on.

I have become, quiet, withdrawn and guilty. Burdened.

Dan? He is angry, he is abrasive, he hides it well, favouring us with old patterns.

Familiar interactions, that Nate and Serena seem to gobble up happily, the latter more so. But he carries with him the same seething guilt I sometimes feel bubble up inside me. His voice has changed too, it is raspier somehow - I guess when you smoke regularly it is a predictable side effect. Serena is also evidence to this fact.

Mostly... he is lonely.

He looks curiously at my hands and offers me nothing more than a lift of his chin followed by a head shake as an inquiry. I roll my eyes and point one hand, my right, which is furthest from him away at nothing and shoot a beam of white light out my palm.

He jumps, and looks at the burning impression I've left in a tree trunk and then asks shortly, “Excess energy?”

“Duh.” I grouse back.

He opens his mouth, then shuts it quickly and then the walkie talkie beeps. “Go ahead, Dan here.”

Zach asks if he can sit in in his place at a council meeting and he agrees and looks up at me expectantly.

“Fine.” is all I say.

We begin to make our way down, and he asks me “So what are you gonna do? Why _**didn't**_ you say anything to them by the way?”

“You said the weather could change, if I wait till closer to the day, it's less time I have to deal with them not wanting me to leave even though I may accidentally kill them.” It's super bitter, my tone that is, and he laughs dryly.

“Yeeaah... I dunno how the fuck you do it.” It's a loaded statement.

He pulls a cigarette out from somewhere, and I am glad to be downwind of him, he then proceeds to surprise me by asking “Is this ok?”

I nod and keep walking, wanting to ask him what he meant before when he speaks up.

“I killed 4 innocent people when I discovered my alterism, decided after I got over the guilt a year later I couldn't get close to anyone anymore, esp a norm. Had a few disastrous flings but I just... it's more pressure than it is pleasure at this point.”

I don't have a response, or a complex where Nate and Serena are concerned. We are too far past the point of codependency and I know this. Just then, up ahead a door opens and that girl from the watchtower - Melody steps out. She sees us and is a study of practised composure while she waits.

Dan swears under his breath and thinks I don't hear it, interesting.

“Good day.” she says too cheerily, the edges of her smile threatening to collapse on themselves.

I wave, Dan says her name shortly.

“Council meeting?” She asks.

“Yup. You sitting in?”

“Taking notes.”

It's like they're trying to out do each other in the areas of fragmented speech and awkward pauses.

“Is Blair taking part or just observing today?”

“Observing I guess.” I answer.

“Well I'm sure when the time comes you'll be a vital addition.” She sneaks a look at Dan then at the path ahead of us, clearly wondering if she has to walk with us the whole way.

“And why is that?” They both were not expecting me to speak.

“Huh?” she replies dumbly, it gets warm, no doubt Humphrey is getting anxious.

“Why are you sure?”

“Oh....um...just it's always good to have another Alter on the board...obviously.”

“Obviously.” she's lying but I let it drop.

“I uh forgot something so I'll see you guys in there?”

We leave and once her door closes all Dan says when I raise a brow is, “Disastrous fling number 2.”

 

\- - - -

 

Carter Baizen has managed to grow on you.

Every other month give or take, when he docks he stays for a week and somehow - when you weren't looking you'd wager – the two of you have become friends.

He hands you a cigar, insisting that you do something good for yourself for a change, a claim you find hilarious because since when is smoking _anything_ good for you?

It's late at night and he's grilling meat on an old BBQ he's brought back with him this time, and well you gotta admit you've missed this. It's been 2 months since you and Melody called it quits, it's likely that Zach has told Carter that you've been in full out pariah mode and they've taken it upon themselves to stick you with the old buddy camping routine.

The three of you are “being men” in the outback.

“Oh shit I almost forgot!” Carter shoves the spatula he's wielding in your hand (hot end first because well you won't feel it) and runs over to a duffel bag he left in the bed of your truck.

Zach meets him halfway unable to contain his curiosity, “Fireworks!” he exclaims.

It's a holiday weekend, the Queen's birthday, so you can totally get away with what draws more attention than you would ordinarily risk.

You ask, sarcasm lifting your words, if he is 12 and he grins back the cigar in his own mouth sticking straight out to the side.

“Think fast.” he throws them at you and you raise one hand catching a row of giant firecrackers in your hand, heating them before launching them away like a baseball.

Zach howls in appreciation and comments on your form, “Looks like you missed out at a career in the pros Danny Boy!”

By the time food is served, you each have about 4 beers in you and Carter brings Melody up, “So spill Humphrey, what gives? I'm tired of getting all my info from every where but the source.”

You groan and ask just how many people have been filling him in and he laughs easily, “Not that many, I promise I'm just nosy.”

You tell him you don't know where to begin, but if you were honest you'd been feeling it coming from the time she got burnt when she was sleeping next to you. You'd wanted to call it quits then and there and resented her for putting you in a position where you could do it again.

“Come on man she knew the risks.” Carter supplies.

You tell him he sounds like her, he only shrugs.

That's not all you say, you tell them she'd started getting casual about birth control, and when you brought up not wanting to pass on your bio code she didn't seem to see the issue. This gets a low whistle and head shake from Zach, Carter is also shocked but says nothing.

Besides you add how much time do we all have left anyway? The planet is on a crash course.

Carter is quiet and 5 minutes later he asks, “What about the flip side?”

You look at him confused, you weren't aware the drastic environmental changes would stop anytime soon. You ask him what he means.

“Well... it may not be the highest percentage but we can't ignore science man, there's the consideration that when all is said and done, you and Zach have at least got a shot of surviving when Melody and I....well we've got zero.”

 

 

\- - - -

 

In what should have not surprised Humphrey one bit but really serves to make him super uncomfortable, Serena and Melody have become fast friends. It's Friday and he comes back from a trip to gather vegetables from the greenhouse all huffy and has set about slamming doors in the kitchen. Nate is helping me charge batteries that Zach has been collecting over the past 2 years in his shed, something he insists I do so I don't ache and I suspect also to drain me so I will consider staying with them come Sunday.

After the 5th door slams, Nate gives me a curious look and I respond with my patented _'oh no you don't – leave me out of this.'_ glance and fix one of my hands to an old, large battery. I'm not sure what it's for, it's too small to be for a car but definitely not anything Duracell has made.

“Uuuhh Dan?” Dan stops his rampage, and comes to stand under the archway between both rooms.

He stares blankly waiting for Nate to speak again.

“You okay man?”

“Does it look like I am?” Nate bites his lip and arches a brow, like I said – grumpy.

“I just left Serena and Melody being all chummy down at the greenhouse.” he says tersely.

Nate stares at him confused which leads to Dan looking at me, surprise evident in his features. “You kept that to yourself?”

I shrug and reach for a container of cell phone batteries of various sizes.

When I sneak a look back at him, there is a softness that says – 'thank you.' Whatever, it's not that big of deal considering um I don't really talk to anyone.

He walks over to a cabinet I never noticed and opens it to reveal liquor and lots of it before coming over and sitting opposite Nate who is in the chair next to where I am on the floor and sighs.  
  
“Ok... so.” he is interrupted by me clearing my throat and looking at his glass pointedly.

A beat passes and Nate chuckles before saying affectionately, “atta girl.”

Dan hands me his glass and goes to retrieve another one smiling all the while.

-

 

“So you're saying basically you were too worried about hurting her?” Nate asks

Dan, who looks very tired, nods once and lets his head loll back on his chair while blowing small blue flames upwards. I would accuse him of showing off if it wasn't evident this is a habit borne of stress.

Nate frowns, clearly not getting it.

“You wouldn't get it.” I say then, it's the first time I've spoken all day and Nate doesn't even try to hide his shock.

“You can't hurt anyone Nate, you can hold Serena as close to you as you want and she will always continue breathing.”

“...Blair.” he's pulling me up to him in seconds.

I didn't say what I said to be comforted but I know resisting his attempt will hurt him unnecessarily, he needs to protect me a lot more than I need it.

Dan adds dryly, “Also, thanks to your ability, both Blair and I don't really have to worry too much about hurting **you** do we?”

Nate looks between us then. He is silent under many realizations in that moment.

“Well...I guess I can't really empathize can I?”

“Nope.” we both say, it doesn't carry any bitterness for a change.

 

 

\- - - -

 

_ Martha's Vineyard _

We only have 3 neighbours here.

An older couple, and a former Dr from the south.

Ted and Gloria are very reclusive but whenever Gloria bakes she sends him with treats for us. It's a nice gesture that never ever goes un-reciprocated when Serena cooks too much food for 3.

Logan visits us with semi regularity. He is about 45 and chases his demons with bourbon that he always has on hand in a flask he keeps on his person. He isn't an alter but his wife and kids were, they were taken away before the vineyard became a graveyard.

He hasn't been able to leave their home, hoping they will some way, somehow escape and return.

He is out for a walk one morning and enters via the kitchen to find us trying to nurse a far from lucid Serena. This is after a sky patrol caused us to spend the night hiding in the tunnel below the house while she remained up on the surface. I am running a cold rag over her face while Nate tenderly coos at her for drinking some green tea.

“Hey. Come back to us ok?” He kisses her lips once after she is done.

She ignores him and instead looks at me, “You don't own Constance Blair, you've always been threatened by me.”

I dip the rag back in the small basin of ice water and ignore her when Logan speaks up.

“Can I talk to you two for a second?”

Nate presses the mug into Serena's hand and I tuck her hair behind her ear giving her a soft kiss on her cheek before following them into the living room. Logan asks a few questions, this is the second time he has experienced her not lucid.

Eventually he asks, “Any idea if she was ever diagnosed with bi-polar disorder?”

Nate begins to speak and I cut him off, “Yes but most people didn't know, just her mother, brother and me.”

He is crestfallen that she managed to keep this from him, that or that he didn't notice. He almost immediately after my admission walks out the room and returns to the kitchen leaving just two of us in the parlour. Logan forges on, the awkward moment clearly being something he doesn't want to deal with.

“Hate to break it to you guys but she may be experiencing severe manic episodes and or hallucinations because of the stress of everything that has happened in the last few years. Nobody would blame her – not everyone can deal with everything life throws at us”

I never relay the rest of the conversation to Nate. If he wanted to know he could ask me anytime and he never does.

 

\- - - -

 

8 months into your relationship with Melody you have your first big fight. It starts with you one day, when she is heading down to the Meeting Hall telling her you got all her stuff together for her. When you lean in to kiss her goodbye she's stiff as a dick full of viagra. You ask her what's the matter and she looks at the box of stuff then back at you.

“Are you fucking serious?”

You ask her if you were wrong in thinking she needs this stuff and she bristles, “You just don't want me leaving stuff here.”

You roll your eyes, you don't even know why she's behaving like this and say that to her and begin to walk off telling her that you don't see anything wrong with this thought process. After all you guys aren't room mates.

The door slams behind her on her way out.

When you stop by her place that night she steps out onto her front step instead of letting you in and you're confused as to why she's still mad. What is the big deal?

“Danny...we've been goin' together for a while now. When are you going to let me inside that fortress around your heart?”

Oh for fuck sakes.

'Mel.' you sigh and lean against the cool wall of her house.

You guys go for a drive, there's a cold clear river about 30 minutes drive away and you really need to take the edge off. The two of you talk the whole way there, she hits all the points you hate talking about; where is this going? Why are you so closed off? Do you love me? Can you love anyone?.

By the time you pull up to the river you get out, peel your shirt off and jump in going all the way under without a word.

Melody has been sweating her ass off in the car with you the duration of the drive and respects your urgent need to get in. She eventually joins you and once you've calmed down you tell her this isn't easy for you, that you aren't good at this sort of thing anymore. That you were getting to a point wherein after you left New York you were on the road to beginning to love again but then the girl you'd been dating died in a fire you caused.

She takes this all in and says pleadingly, “Why don't you ever talk to me about New York? If this is actually going to be different you gotta share with me Dan...aren't you tired of being alone?”

And yeah - you are so you relent. You ask her what she wants to know.

“Well for one...who was she?”

You tell her you've already told her about Rory who you met in Thailand and was with you in Malaysia when you first presented your ability.

“No no, not Rory, you didn't love her either. Who was the last woman you ever let yourself love?”

So that night, you tell her all about Blair Waldorf.

 


	5. Act v

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Very little Dan POV in this installment. Long wait between updates brought to you by a busy month at work and intermittent writer's block.

 

Saturday night is very cold, I go into our things and fish out a sweater unable to believe Dan when he tells me as good as it feels it is one of the first signs of Hot Lightning.

He says if it takes a sharp turn in the middle of the night we're screwed.

I'm very, very drained. Nate has had me running on almost empty, I've agreed to wait as long as I can and see if he can keep me muted for the duration of the storm. I asked him about Dan because I don't see how he can work for both of us and not burn out himself. His response is a mumble about working his ability's muscles more often and it's about time.

Dan's response to this was to tell me to dress warmly because it's cold in the caves and Zach usually freezes two giant wooden barrels – minimum - of water in an effort to keep him cool.

I asked him then if Zach couldn't help him in any way and he told me that if the air was too dry he is usually very little help to Dan himself.

 

Later still, at about 11 pm, Serena dashes out to talk to Carter on the radio that Zach has in his attic, this seems prearranged but it is new to me as I seem to be the only one surprised by this. When she kisses us both goodbye quickly I've only just joined Nate on one of the two Queens in our large room that is on the opposite end of the house from Dan's room.

I have , since we've moved here, wondered if he did this on purpose.

“Did you know about this?” I ask when I hear the 'clack' of the front door some 3 minutes later.

“She'd mentioned it in passing a few days ago, you don't approve?” He puts the tablet in his hand on his lap and turns his full attention on me.

I mull it over and then shrug, “I guess it's not really a problem at all.”

“Given the state S has been in this past year, and all we've been through I think something familiar is good for her – plus you know she needs a lot more than either of us to keep her grounded.”

He brushes a strand of particularly dark blue hair of mine out my face and then speaks again, “Plus...Carter is safe.”

 

The implicit suggestion is not lost on me, _they are both of them norms_.

 

Nate has spent all day resting and meditating, earlier while making dinner with Dan he inquired a bit about his ability in preparation. Dan unlike myself almost never runs low, his ability is a wild animal he says plainly and tells Nate he hasn't been able to get his hopes up.

He says thank you to him all the same when they sit out on the deck and dig into the Sesame noodles they made for us.

 

I lean on his chest briefly and snuggle into the thick NYU hoodie he's wearing, I don't think I have much fight left in me and expect to be asleep inside the hour.

“Mmm you smell good.” he says, all mellow around the edges.

I angle my head so I can see him but remain pressed into him, “Thank Humphrey's girlfriends of Christmas past, I still haven't found my shampoo.”

He chuckles at this and then says lowly and dangerous, “It's a good thing I've got to keep my energy high or I'd have to bury myself in every part of you to get a better whiff.”

 

I fight back a giggle and ask dead pan, my face straight, “Wait does this mean you want to make it with Melody?”

 

He tickles me mercilessly for that one.

I let him and maybe even lock my ankles behind his back and buck my hips up into him a little bit.

He kisses me breathlessly and then whispers, “Jesus... go to sleep. Before I can't stop myself.”

 

I pout a little but eventually roll over, and keep my back pressed into his thigh while he sits up against the headboard and retrieves the tablet.

As I drift off to sleep and think about everything that the next 24 hrs could hold my mind travels back to Thursday.

 

\- -

 

We ate dinner on the deck that night, shared drinks, laughs, memories and glances. Serena early on in the night references _Inside_ , and nobody, not one of us saw this coming. I don't think the rest of us tried to for too long linger on that plot point in our journey so far. Dan bemoans her for bringing it up and she really only it seems mentions it as a jumping point to inquire about his love for the art of writing. Nate falls into the conversation easily while I am battling to disguise my intense discomfort.

I had already entered into what I thought was an unspoken arrangement with Humphrey the minute I got here that was this; we will not unless absolutely dire acknowledge our shared history.

Dan's only evidence of his own dis ease is that the temperature rises more than what wine and or liquor could do.

Serena asks him if he has a copy in the bungalow and he confesses one is floating about somewhere. She goes over to his shelves then, leaving the rest of us to try and move on.

And by us I mean Nate trying to distract Dan from how ramrod stiff I am sitting next to him on the futon.

Serena eventually falls asleep, draped on a very torn Dan, it takes me some time but I remember our conversation about Melody. I begin to consider he is caught between a pre-existing fondness and love for the woman in his lap but is wholly consumed by a fear that he will hurt her.

When he gets up and excuses himself to put her in our room, Nate turns on me, his voice low as if Humphrey's got super hearing or something.

“Blair, you can't seriously still be uptight about the two of you from years ago...what happened to this being a fresh start?”

I look at Nate then and icily reply, “Very little is fresh about the 4 of us Nathaniel – come on.”

He rolls his eyes and downs the rest of the amber liquid in his tumbler before shooting me a sideways glance, “I'm officially out of it, the two of you will only be able to do this dance for so long.”

I'm about to let him have it when we hear Dan's voice before we see him, coming from the hallway, “You guys want dessert?”

I chose that time to escape onto the deck while they prep the pie that was sent up from one of the other houses and Nate got the ice cream out of the freezer.

 

_What_ dance?

 

\- - -

 

I roll over, on the precipice of sleep and mumble at Nate, my lids half closed. “Doesn't that book still bother you?”

He is completely blind sided by the mention of this topic, “Blair...”

“Well doesn't it?”

Nate pauses then -clearly editing the fuck of whatever he is about to say to me which is weird - and finally cryptically settles on; “Dan and I reached an understanding a long time ago”

I don't bother to ask him to elaborate because I know, just from his body language that he won't even if I do.

\- -

When I wake up out of my sleep a couple hours later, I am **boiling** inside the sweater I put on earlier and alone in bed. Realizing what this means I am suddenly filled with a weight that starts in my chest and extends with every passing second. I pull myself out of bed in spite of the screams of exhaustion that I feel in my muscles knowing this will make it easier for Nate a little later.

I get to the living room to find Nate sitting in silence, staring out into the night, he is now topless and wearing thin cotton pj pants . I pull my sweater off and am about to speak when Serena and Zach come through the door urgently.

“Where is he?” It's Zach.

Nate replies, “In his room, I couldn't even touch his doorknob at first. I dunno if I'm helping.”

Zach replies firmly, “Trust me – you are. Between the two of us, we can keep this contained until the sun comes up – you alright so far Blair?”

 

I send him a nod before looking down the hall at Dan's room right before plans start being made.

 

“Ok Serena I need you to run down to Melody's home, tell her to get Raven on barrel duty, Nate you come with me, I need to get in there and um... just kind of adapt the environment a little bit and make sure he's not in a fever sleep. Blair, be a lamb and get two bowls and bring them in to be filled please.”

Neither Nate nor myself are prepared for what we find in Dan's room. He is on the floor, right near his bathroom, curled up with only a thin sheet draped over him. Nate exclaims and rushes over cautiously prodding him with one finger, Zach seems impressed by this and turns to me asking if I overheat as well.

 

I again only offer him a nod.

 

Dan looks awful, his hair is plastered to his neck and forehead, he is soaking wet covered in sweat. He won't wake. Nate shakes him a few times after he has helped ebb the heat that is rolling off his too still form, then pats his cheek. He looks to Zach who gestures for them to switch before rolling the sleeves up on the long sleeved linen shirt he is wearing.

“Danny?” he rubs his hands together shortly before placing both on Dan's chest and looking to me. “Blair? The water please.”

We spend the rest of the night making sure to keep his room damp. Water sits in containers on every surface and Zach freezes about half of them. Dan came to about ten seconds after Zach put his hands on him. He gasps loud and hard like he's coming up from under a body of water. He seems relieved to see all of us but levels me with a look before simply uttering “I'm sorry.”

“It's ok.” I return tiredly. Nate gives me a small sad smile as well.

 

\- - -

 

I try desperately to distract myself with what needs to be taken care of in the next few hours, Nate finds me dragging to two coolers of food Dan told me would be for us when we go down. There is also a box labelled 'SUPPLIES' in his neat scrawl out on the deck. I am moving them all into view for the others load on the truck. Dan and Nate will go on the last trip and I will walk on foot.

Nate appears then, surveying my work, “Eddy will be up with the truck soon, anything from our room you still need?”

As I'm thinking he bites his lip and rubs his hands all over his stubble, “Blair we haven't seen even a single strike of lightning... please...”

In my darkest moments, I time and time again who needs me to survive more between Nate and Myself.

“Zach says it's not an in and out kinda deal Nate, once he goes in they're gonna seal the entrance.”

 

By 3pm it will be 45 degrees Celsius.

 

Nate's head falls and even as I am thinking of how best to comfort him he closes the space between us grabbing me, his fear pouring out of him. “I'm going to be in the tower.”

I pull away and hold his face then, “What about Serena?”

“Carter is getting here this evening. Said something about always being here for this? I have no idea..”

And Nate's confusion in that moment as well as Serena's absence are I need to confirm it; in the midst of the panic they've forgotten that it's my favourite holiday

 

I'm more thankful than I am disappointed.

 

Dan comes out then, a wet, cold towel draped over his bare back while his hair is raked straight back. He spares us a glance then keeps his eyes on me – heavy as ever.

“Waldorf, Nate and myself make the first trip down, they'll bring you last, I guess if you want you can find Serena before we go into lockdown.”

I hear in his words what he doesn't say then, _It's not safe enough for me to go see her myself._

“Was already planning to Humphrey.” _I'll take care of it._

 

The smile he returns doesn't reach his eyes.

 

 

 

The truck speeds off and sends dust everywhere, I go back inside then and take a few deep breaths willing myself not to let it get to me that I am to spend possibly 48 hours in a cave with Dan Humphrey.

Some Thanksgiving.

I begin the 15 minute walk in silent contemplation, a few curtains shut extra fast when I walk by. I feel like I should be more offended instead of just numb and complacent. I find Serena at a house we've always walked by before, Carter is one step below her, he sees me first and trots out to give me a hug.

“It sounds scarier than it is Champ.” he holds my chin between his thumb and forefinger and grins.

I offer him a small smile and then I feel Serena's arms go around my neck from behind, she takes a deep breath of me and trails soft kisses on my head, temple, cheek, shoulders and then steps around me to press our foreheads together and rub our noses.

“S I'll be alright.” I have no idea if this is true, only that I have to say it to her. For her sake not mine.

 

\- - - -

 

 

You and Nate are sitting alone on a wide flat rock, barely speaking when the first bolt of lightning flashes across the sky. To your left Zach has a hose in his right fist and his left hand presses at a thick wall of ice he is in the middle of creating. It is 6 feet deep.

 

The sky is a dull grey, the lightning performs the task of brightening the way a lamp beside an open window would.

 

It's subtle but brighter.

 

Nate looks brokenly at you and starts speaking in a low hoarse whisper. His blue eyes are wild and you wonder just how bad the storm that knocked Blair out was. He tells you at her worst she burns at the touch you assure him that's not a problem for you. This is the only time he pauses, he gives you a once over then and clearly thinks something he decides against sharing. He tells you when she burns long enough there will be fire but it's different than regular flames, it's unique to her. He says that this only happens if a bolt strikes her directly, asks you again about the wall of ice, will it keep?

 

You tell him Zach has never done one this thick before, that you asked it be double the usual to keep her safe.

 

By the time the last three words leave your mouth you are standing now, facing Nate, an inch if at all is between the two of you. He looks at your face, your mouth directly after the words leave you and then his eyes tell you that to to him – this admission is an oath.

 

And you're not worried because that is how you meant it.

 

The two of you hug, one of his hands holds behind your neck and he says softly, “Yeah... Dan.. you do that – keep her safe.”

 

'Of course.' is all you say in return.

 

It is 11am when she turns the corner, the two of you have to go in before the midday sun reaches any higher. Lightning cracks again, she stills and closes her eyes and beside you Nate tenses... next thing you know you feel cooler. His ability could do amazing things if researched with the right people you think idly.

 

Blair opens her eyes, no doubt feeling the same relief you do and makes the rest of the walk while tying up her blue tresses. She carries a large tote bag over her shoulder, some of her more personal artefacts you'd wager.

 

“Let's get this nightmare over with.”  
  
She doesn't even notice you and Nate's proximity and bursts between the two of you all determined and shit. Nate, ever the paragon of patience catches her elbow and pulls her around catching her off guard. She looks ready to snap at him, and reminds you so much of the girl you fell for which makes it a little weird when Nate's mouth seals over her own.

 

And if you're honest, nowhere near as weird as it _should_ be.

 

She goes limp, you wonder if it's his ability literally encasing her or if this is just his effect on her... probably both. Nate is like this for all of you now – a calming sort of beacon.

 

Like a lighthouse standing firm on a rocky and rough shore.

 

Zach calls out to you then, time to go inside he says.

 

 

\- - - -

 

There are lanterns hanging from about a dozen metal hooks that have been drilled into the rock. The sound of water trickling comes in different speeds, at different volumes but never stops. There's a blind corner ahead and I follow it to find along camping cot opposite a harvest table. Our stuff is in a pile at one end and the other ¾ of the surface is empty.

When I walk back the way I came I notice for the first time a narrow passage way that has blackness on the other side of it. I light my hand up just shy of an energy burst and hold it up like a flash light. Nothing but black cold water rains down from somewhere else.

Dan sees me, “That's my er...the...makeshift shower. I use it to cool down sometimes, you're welcome to it if it helps.”

“Thanks.” I say shortly.

I'm freezing, I walk back over to the thick wall of ice and look into it's grey blue depths. I see the dim outline that I know is Nate – not ready to leave me. This wall is beautiful despite how wet and stiff it makes me feel.

There are barrels everywhere, some with water, some frozen. I let my hair fall, unable to believe that ten minutes ago I put it up and felt like my skin would melt off. Here, now it feels like a winter's day back home.

Dan is still in small shorts and barefoot.

He starts heading to where the bed is and then remembers he is not alone, “Blair... you.. uh...need anything?”

The words sound so gruff, I know he is tired but it still is so strange to hear him sound this way. Truth is I don't know what I need, this is unfamiliar and scary – being here – being alone with him.

Thunder rumbles over head. 

I take too long to answer and he walks over and reaches out his hand to me, “Come.”

His hand feels pleasant and I wonder what the rest of him feels like now that I don't have to worry about being scalded but I dare not find out. I am too afraid to give in, to give a name to what I've been feeling for the last 3 days. I curl up inside Nathaniel and ignore the other boy's hinting words, or his questions about what makes it so easy for me to speak to Dan and no one else.

He hoists me up easily onto the table, with _out_ asking, an annoyance I cling to stubbornly.

After opening one of the coolers he stops, looks at me evenly. One hand is on the lid the other on his hip while he decides if to move forward.

“So uh... the thing is... I mean I was thinking….fucking hell - here.” he reaches in and then shoves a small tin into my hand. It is about 7 inches in diameter.

I open it tentatively and find... a small pumpkin pie.

My emotions immediately go haywire. Why would he do this? What the fuck is wrong with this man? I am dimly aware that I'm asking all the wrong questions right before we both hear a sickening thud strike the wall at the cave's entrance.

I put the pie down and my breath becomes strained but I refuse to speak, be near him or even look at him. My mind fills with words my tongue pushes back down inside me.

 

_Let me out! How could you? What do you want me to say huh? Sorry I ran back to old habits, sorry about Chuck? That you were better for me? That my dad liked you more? Don't you think I know that?????_   
  


Nate's voice is a muffled bubbling sound, he is risking his life standing there. If a bolt comes at me the ice is a conductor.

Angry-Dan has completely disappeared which just upsets me more, did he know this would trigger me? What does he get out of this? I tug the zipper on my sweater down harshly, I don't know if I am heating up from the inside out or if this is because he has gotten nearer to me.

His fingers close around my wrist and I jump, I am not used to anyone daring to touch me when I am like this, “Blair....Blair look at me....”

His hands touch my head, this is the most contact we've had since I've been here, he pushes my locks back and brings his hands on either side of my head. My ears feel hot from under my hair where his hands rest.

“I'm really sorry about your dad ok? I just know... today... that you wouldn't have wanted to...just... Happy Thanksgiving.”

There's an earnest apology in his voice, he **didn't** realise how bad I would get. And though it takes me a while - I hear a whisper in my mind.

 

_He remembered you when no one else did._

 

I let him guide me under the “shower” and even let him take off my t shirt and he stays with me under the frigid trickle until my sobs subside.

 

He is a good kind of warm.

 

 


	6. Act vi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A round of applause to you readers, for liking, reviewing or following this piece on the different platforms I share it on. I think it's understood but needs to be said that your actual reviews when they happen are like a surge of motivation to keep going & that this isn't some solo narcissist task I'm undertaking. That other people are enjoying it. And well... that means the world. 
> 
> Thanks as always for your patience

 

Manhattan

 

 

The last time you see Nate before Australia is the day before you leave New York forever. When you hear the knock at the door, you wait for a full 15 seconds trying to figure out who could be at the door.

When you pull it ajar he roughly pushes his way in and the two of you proceed to have a monumental confrontation.

It's funny how now, years in the future, you will look back on what at the time seemed like a kinda shitty way to leave things with nothing but fondness. Simply because this is the last time you are both normal.

 

It has been 3 months since Blair has left you.

“What the fuck dude? You were just going to leave without saying anything?”

You ask him who told him before remembering he still keeps in touch with Jenny. You tell him it's easier and yes you were leaving on a plane the next night, you in that moment think out loud that though you knew some people would consider this a dick move you never thought he of all people would be this upset.

“Why wouldn't I be? This is a complete overreaction - so Blair is on her insecure choices tip again ...so what?” You sigh heavily and tell him your mind is made up.

He asks where you're going and you refuse to tell him. This makes him angrier. He says he never thought you'd be such a coward. You tell him you thought he of all people would understand.

“Come again?” He whispers it dangerously and gets up in your face.

You roll your eyes and push him away from you before telling him you are not insulting his honour merely pointing out that the two of you are the only ones who share this unique view. That you are the only two ever to sit in this boat you currently occupy. You have both been left, for Chuck Bass by Blair Waldorf

He steps back then and deflates somewhat, “Oh... right.”

You ask him if it were him what he would do. “Well I wouldn't be so dramatic, but I suppose I'm used to the whole merry go round thing with her man. And I'd rather be nearby in case she needs me. She's one of my best friends.”

You see, not the for the first time, something in Nathaniel Archibald that you so desperately wish was in you.

He helps himself to a beer from your fridge and as an afterthought grabs one for you as well. You take a few sips in silence before you ask him what he thinks, if he honestly thinks Chuck is the one for Blair.

He looks at you briefly and gets up and goes over to your window propping himself against the frame. He looks a lot older in that moment before choosing his words carefully.

“I think Blair makes Chuck the best man he'll ever be but _she's_ **better** off without him.”

He turns his head up and eyes you while drinking a long swig then says slyly, “What does my opinion matter? I heard her dad visited you a week after it happened... besides what do I know about this stuff _**I'm**_ super gay.”

The reference to your book eases the blow of mentioning her dad's visit and it provokes a genuine laugh out of you.

You tell him that maybe his raging homosexuality in the book is all a smokescreen for the fact that he's not just the pretty face every one thinks he is. He quirks his lips at this statement. You add that for the record you can tell that he seems very OK with everyone underestimating him and that this is exactly why you left it out of the book.

He smirks at you then, looking equal parts an angel and demon, “Thanks for keeping my secrets.”

You join him at the window and clink your bottles together and simply say 'Anytime.'

He sighs heavily after a few minutes of the comfortable silence unique to the two of you passes, “Really Dan? This is it? Blair's actions are going to affect the rest of us without our consent?”

You mumble a dark, somewhat raw apology.

When Nate leaves that night you share a long, firm hug, you feel the side his lips ghost along your jaw and his goodbye is quiet and small in your ear. Close but yet far, determined not to relive past levels of tenderness.

He's hurt.

 

\- - -

 

After you subside Blair's mini breakdown you give her privacy to change and somehow the entire interaction has managed to drain you. You sit down out in the front near the entrance and prop your back up against one of the barrels of ice.

You don't expect to fall asleep.

Water, warmish water, startles you awake as it rolls down your back. You have melted the contents in your sleep. Water runs under your legs as well as still more of the wall steadily melts. You're confused that Blair didn't see fit to wake you so you get up and round the corner with the intention to change into a dry pair of boxers when you see why. Your heart begins to race, she has passed out on the cot, one of her legs still dangling off the side and she has her arms through a sweater that has never made it over her head.

You stick your hand on a bowl of ice on a ledge above your head to cool off before placing your ear to her chest. Her heartbeat is slow, her lips are ever so slightly blue. If you had to guess, you'd say she was actually as tired as you but passed in less than ideal temperatures before managing to finish getting dressed.

There's only one thing to do.

 

\----

 

I don't remember falling asleep is the first confused thought I have. My face is buried deep in a thick comforter that I don't remember being on either one of the beds in our room. I feel like a groggy burrito, I don't know if Nate or Serena is.... and that's when my brain catches up to the present.

 

Dan.

The caves.

The pie.

 

My eyes fly open and all I see for a few seconds is darkness, There is a strong heat radiating under me and I realise I am half covering Dan's reclined form with the blanket between us. He's got a lumpy towel covering his eyes and as I begin to see more clearly I see the telltale mist of heat and ice interacting above it.

When he speaks, I startle so hard I begin to roll off the edge and his arm easily, casually comes up and rolls me back into him.

“You almost froze to death – not to be dramatic or anything.”

He picks up the rag and I hear a low hiss, he seems to be overheating and is doing everything to keep himself safe for my benefit. I make a confused searching expression and he pulls us back a little and halfway sits up.

“You passed out before you finished bundling up properly. Your face was blue and you heart rate actually dropped. Am I too hot?”

I shake my head and take a few extra moments to reorient myself.

I don't mean to ask what I blurt out, it slips past my lips perhaps because my mental process is still working out the cobwebs and kinks, “Are you mad?”

Dan looks incredibly confused and a little worried at this line of questioning, he clears his throat and pops one of the chunks of ice that's in the rag in his mouth before beginning to move us again. He sits himself up, swings his legs over but adjusts the blanket around me more and leaves me astride his lap, one of his arms is behind my back holding me near.

Our positioning is awkward just like everything about us.

“Blair why would I be mad at you?”

“I have no idea, I just remembered our first day here you said you get hot if you're mad.”

His head falls and he chuckles into the general direction of his lap, it is one of the first times he looks like _my_ Dan and it knocks the metaphorical wind out of me. My heart speeds up and I am afraid he can hear it here in the emptiness of the cave.

“Everything intense makes me get hot Blair, anger, anxiety, grief, tension – sexual or otherwise, fear... if it feels heavy or invasive or speeds my heart rate up I overheat.”

I sit and ponder over his admission, it causes me to repaint a few of the scenarios under which he has gotten hot, it is all up for debate now. Is he as angry as I previously thought him to be? Or is it a tepid bitterness? Frustration? I don't know.

I don't say anything for a while and his head falls back against the cool rocks, his eyes remain closed and he eats some more ice.

He speaks again when he's done, his voice coming in as barely a whisper, “You know when the first signs of alterisms started happening around me I used to think the abilities were somehow affected by the kind of person you were before the vaccines. What does that say about me? Was I this awful destructive, heavy unbearable person and I had no idea?”

The last few words escape him cracked by emotion, I feel so badly for him in that moment that one of my hands sneaks out from under the comforter to touch his shoulder.

“Then what does that say about me?”

His head levels and he looks me in the eyes before speaking, “It says that you're manipulative.”

 

The frankness of his statement is like a kick in the stomach.

“It says that you you're empathetic, that try as you might to close yourself off you can't help but absorb what's around you. That the more you try to be hard around the ones you love, the more the feelings build up inside you and you eventually explode. You've always carried your friends and family's feelings inside you Blair...and now it's energy.”

He reaches out to wipe my face but pulls back at the last second and looks at his extended fingers warily. I want to tell him it's okay, that as emotional as his words just made me – I am now warm myself as I try to not let it burst out of me. I am itching to lean my face into his hand but instead I take a shuddering, steady breath and take his hand into my own warm one instead.

“Wouldn't it be so much easier for you Daniel, if instead of self-loathing – you saw yourself as you see the rest of us?”

His hand jumps a little at hearing me say Daniel and I know why - but say nothing.”

“Mmm...I uh... need some ice.”

This is the moment, the first time I admit to myself that - maybe - I don't want things to be cooler.

 

 

 

_ Manhattan _

 

In the early days we aren't as cautious. Vanessa is still the one who comes to get us for grocery runs. She braves the drive over and sometimes we all go but very often Nate and of course Serena go with her and then they all come back and we have dinner.

Nate and Vanessa are casually dating. Chuck is still alive, he actively works on squirreling away money and is heavily involved in the black market. His apartment's walls are lined with cash and medication and food supplies.

This day seems like every other. 

  
But Vanessa will not come back home, and 2 months later, Chuck will be dead.  
It's as good a plot point to mark as a catalyst of sorts as any other really.

Serena is still relatively happy. So many of us are still alive so why wouldn't she be?

Nate & S leave hurriedly. Purely platonic, all laughs and boisterous talking. Vanessa can't wait to show Serena some old musical files she's found, I hear Dan Humphrey's name at one point and get tense like I always do but say nothing. I've not yet realized that the soreness I feel is because of my alterism, it has been happening on and off the last 7 weeks, accompanied by hot flashes.

So this day, I stay in. Waiting for Chuck to return home. Trying to push the memory of Humphrey deep into the recesses of my mind.

At the market, there is a random scanner raid. Nate and Serena are on the other side of the store and try to make it to Vanessa in time but she is read and snatched up easily. She kicks over a stand of tomatoes in her struggle Serena later tells me in tears, that Nate makes a sudden move to run to her but she shakes her head no as a tear escapes.

If he comes forward and is seen to be protecting her his punishment is at the discretion of the officers doing the apprehension.

Serena bites her lips and wipes at her face furiously in the moments that follow, _So Brave_ is what Nate whispers to me months later. She kisses his hand when Vanessa disappears out the front. She could turn anything in to water, sometimes I hope that at least her captors see the usefulness in her ability and keep her alive because of it.

I'm sure Nate, and probably Dan if he knows what became of his one time best friend, hope for otherwise for her than being a human guinea pig and garden hose.

I just wish less of us were dead.

 

 

\- - -

 

 

Could you love this girl? The first time you ask yourself this it is under a waterfall and Rory's too blue eyes are filled with mirthful tears from laughing so hard at whatever you've just shared with her. The tour you took was just shy of a disaster and you're pretty sure the guide is drunk and that the whole group is lost.

She's already referenced Swiss Family Robinson and you just upped the ante with your own reference to Hannibal and she is beside herself.

You laugh a lot, you laugh long, you smile. And most importantly – you forget, often – about New York.

And when she is above you, around you, inside – you swear lights are taking flight from the inside all the way out.

The night she dies, she comes home late, bone tired after a shift at the hospital she volunteers at. You tell her you think you're coming down with something and that she should sleep on the couch. She says she is going to take a sleeping pill to help her stay resting since the sun will rise in 3 hours. She is worried that you will need her that night. You reassure her that you will make it through the night, that you both will and it's influenza not the end of the world.

You're only half right.

 

\- - - -

 

 

The watch on the Dan's wrist beeps 10 times steadily and it's the hottest it's been yet. We've just eaten some of the food he's brought down, in mostly silence.

Lightning is cracking outside, I can feel myself vibrate lowly, I'm a little sad and scared but nothing so serious that it makes me worse.

He looks at his watch and over at me briefly as I twist my hands unsure how best to pass the time. I suddenly feel the dull hum dim a bit and see that Dan is looking to the wall as well.

 

Nate is back.

Another shadowy outline appears next to him, male – only slightly taller. A series of stuttered knocks begins to sound on the ice and Dan grins lop sidedly at me and announces that he's here with Zach.

He must see my confusion and curiosity on my face because he hastily adds, “Morse code.”

“You know morse code?” I intone this dryly and he laughs suddenly and short.

“Yes, special ed Humphrey has mastered the complicated concept of communication via knocking... come on.” He holds his hand out to me while looking at the ice and thankfully misses the look I give his hand.

 

It is bordering on tender and noticeably relaxed.

 

“Is the storm over?” I ask and decide to let him hold my hand as long as he wants since others will not often risk touching me when I'm unstable.

He picks up a piece of metal and begins knocking on the ice then waits for Zach's reply; “The eye.”

More knocking follows, “He says we should come out for a bit so he can reinforce the wall. Um... stand back.”

I take two paces back and he moves me bodily back about 3 times that before turning to the wall and taking off his shirt. He cracks each side of his neck and then his skin begins to glow a light orange colour. I cannot tear my eyes away as he walks into the wall, slowly face first and the ice melts around his form. He turns his head sideways, away from my view and bends both arms at the elbow, palms facing outward on either side of his head. The ice melts at his touch, falls at his feet, somehow making me think of wax running down the sides of a candle.

He goes about 4 feet and then looks back at me, “follow at a safe distance ok? Never ever touch me when I am this hot.”

I nod and forgo a verbal response.

The moments walking through the tight human shaped ice tunnel remind me of when Zach put his hands on me in his kitchen, it's heavenly. The rush of stifling heat on the other side that assaults my skin is not expected or welcome. The first thing I see is Nate and he reaches out for me eagerly, pulling me almost roughly into a tight hug. One hand is around my waist and the other tangled in my hair as he drops two kisses on my head. I feel the hand on my head leave before a few seconds later I feel intense warmth at my right side as he, to my great surprise, pulls Dan against us.

 

I tense in fear because Dan - for but a second- feels unbearable and he exclaims a short blurted ' _wait.'_ for I imagine the same reason but then he feels normal.

 

“I got this.” Is all Nate mumbles.

 

I will think, for many nights after this, about what it feels like when Dan's hand comes to rest over Nate's on my left hip.

 

 


	7. Act vii

 

 

Nate pulls Blair onto his lap and grabs your hand pulling you to sit very close to them. You wonder as to how much of a strain it puts on him to contain the two of you at once. He looks tired but also relieved and happy to see the two of you unscathed. Blair is disappointed not to see Serena and asks sadly where she is, if she is not as concerned as he is. Nate takes a moment to look at her face, his own expression soft, loving and placid. You've come to recognize this as his _'happy blair is talking'_ expression.

Your shoulders rub, it is pleasant and you listen to him tell Blair that he sent Serena on errands with Carter to distract her while you stare at the sky. The stars always shine brighter during Hot Lightning storms and you seldom get to see them. He goes on to say that their third paramour is positively beside herself with worry and Carter all but had to throw her over his shoulders. Blair's toes somehow end up tucked behind your knee and this moment, right now, becomes the most calm one you've had in **years**.

“She didn't set you on fire?” he takes one of your hands and turns it over in his own.

You laugh a little - as Blair mumbles 'I'm right here.' under her breath - and remind him that you are fireproof.

“You hear _that_ B?” He pinches her in her ribs and she tries valiantly not to give in and smile but loses the battle when you wink at her.

Things have shifted a little more still.

 

\- - -

 

3 Days after the caves I am with Serena who has insisted I come with her to Melody's for a movie night. She insists we would make fabulous friends, in a way that only her complete ignorance to the many complications of the situation will allow. Melody for her part does a better job acting naturally around me this time around since I assume she has come to think I would not have any real info about her and Dan's past.

She is long limbs, cool ash brown curls and skin that is the colour of pasteurized honey.

I feel stuck in their collective shadows as they walk up some stairs to a solarium that is at the back of her home and seems to be for entertaining. I am pleased to notice she has AC and wonder if Dan had anything to do with this since, I'd guess his ability and a glass room at high noon don't mix.

Melody has a very impressive eclectic selection and I tell her this, keeping my head down just after this announcement as Serena beams and pecks me quickly – happy that she is in her mind finding me a friend. She asks Melody for an update on her _boy situation_ with someone called Ryan and twirls my hair around her finger as my back is to her side as I pull out the occasional title.

We decide to watch **The Departed** and reminisce on when Matt Damon was still alive and well.

Melody is noticeably intrigued by Serena & I's physical interactions and I am sure many people in the community have had lots to say about 'just what goes on' up there in that bungalow. Add Humphrey's reclusive Quasimodo like antics and you've got quite a picture to discuss. I am sure Serena either doesn't notice or is too content with our new life to care, she is a phoenix, shaking off the ashes of her rebirth. She seems more like she was in the in-between. Before the hysteria, the deaths, before – just before.

Melody averts her eyes quickly after I see her looking on as Serena bends her head forward and presses a long kiss to just below my eye when I tilt my head up and ask her a funny question about her once betrothed Leo Dicaprio.

“Mmmm... I've got you guys now, fuck that.”

 

Ever loyal, our fair Serena.

 

 

\- - -

 

Nate and Zach are at Carter's working on some plans, and discussing long term strategies while the girls spend time at Melody's. You decline their invitation with a smile that doesn't quite reach your eyes and causes Nate to take two short steps to you.

“Everything ok?” His fingers tap your elbow briefly. This time when you smile it's tired but genuine.

'Just tired' is all you say and slip a cigarette out from behind your ear. He is seemingly satisfied and tells you to call him when the girls get home to which you nod. From behind him you see Carter observe you two in an all too inquisitive way, Zach is already outside.

When you go on the deck it's actually somewhat cool, you take a moment to revel in this before lighting up. Your mind eventually makes its way back to the caves and the last 24hrs in them. To say Blair has lowered her walls a little bit would be accurate. You wonder at what this means, not just between you and her but for all of you. You hate the part of you that still yearns for her after all these years while knowing that everything has changed entirely.

You know you have every reason to let go. And you have let go of a lot. But you still are unable to let go of it _all_.

That last night you fall asleep before she does and you are surprised when you feel her nudge you and climb onto the cot all wrapped up in her blanket. At first she lays with her back to you and enough time passes that your lids get heavy again, but then she whispers into the dark.

“I want you to know, that... I know we're eventually going to have to have a conversation. I get it. I'm just not ready.”

She rolls over and puts her face close to yours, her eyes are more vulnerable than you've seen since you've all been reunited. She waits and looks at you.

You sigh and tell her, last you checked she wasn't much for talking and that's not a big deal to you. She weighs these words, trying to decide if it's meant in a good or bad way so to let her know you lift your arm and ask her if she's cold.

She says no and scoots closer anyway.

 

-

 

Then – just like nothing... Somehow, you are in the loft, the loft as you remember it. The experience is jarring and confusing. You sit up, on edge, and unsure. You are wearing comfortable sweatpants, they're black and no shirt. The sun is bright outside the closed window that you can see.

You leave the living room and go to explore your old room. Your eyes and sometimes hands roam over book spines and surfaces. For some reason Cedric is in your bed, it takes you a few seconds but then you realize.

 

You are dreaming.

This brand of displaced dreaming has only happened since you've become an alter. You mostly dream about New York this way. Your dreams are often of memories and past events of a specific nature. They sometimes play out with minor differences, or exactly the same only... you are aware this is not real anymore.

The door slides open.

Blair breezes in, her hair is still brown. She is fully dressed up which leads you believe today is...was... a day of work for her. She spots you in the doorway and her face breaks into the most beauteous smile. You have forgotten that she could be this way... that you could make her feel this way.

“I got asked to consult on a mui mui campaign for next year!!”

You only smile, trying to take in this moment.

She sheds her jacket and heels and dashes over to you and throws her arms around your neck pulling you into a kiss that makes you feel the kind of hot you now consider a curse.

You ask her if she wants anything, forgetting manners for a second. Her reply is simple.

“You.”

The word comes out in a whispered breath. You remember this day.

This was a good day.

 

You haven't dreamt of a good day in New York in 2 years.

 

She pushes you onto the couch and stands over you and reaches to the side of her skirt. Ah yes. You loved this skirt, it was chartreuse – a colour you only knew by name before upper east side girls made homes of your heart – in her preferred cut; pencil. But unlike all her other pencil skirts, this one had giant brass coloured buttons that ran up the side.

As she unbuttons the 3rd one and you take in her deep plum sheer blouse you realise she is dressed for fall.

“Are you just going to stare?”

You nod and bite your lip because you know the sight of you doing that drives her crazy.

She straddles you a few seconds later, emptying her want and need into your mouth. Her hands find your hair which is a little longer, your hands pull the hem of her blouse out her skirt and slide up her back slowly. She moans a little into the kiss at the sensation. She likes how you touch her she has said.

You expertly unhook her bra without so much as a though and she smirks and nibbles your lip in response. You never could understand how this would amuse her after all the times you'd been together. But now, you smile back, and make a pleased hum as she does that magic thing girls do and slides it out one of her sleeves.

Her phone will ring soon, interrupting the beginning stages of what ends up being some of the best sex you've ever had together, it will be Serena calling to congratulate her. You will, annoyed that she has answered at all, proceed to – as punishment – slide her lace panties off and whisper in her other ear that she is not to get off the phone until Serena ends the call.

Then you will slowly, firmly and hungrily eat away at her in the best of ways while she struggles to maintain her composure during Serena's ramblings. Sweat will cover her neck and chest, her bottom lip will be plump from her biting on it to hold back little mewls. You will find the sensitive nub between her folds and suck with a gentle pressure while gliding your tongue from side to side and her eyes will roll shut as she sucks in a silent shuddering breath.

She's just pulled her blouse off her head and found your mouth again, gasping as your cold (a word you lost in the fires of the future) hands palm her breasts with a familiar ease.

“I love you.” she whispers into your ear, this is when Serena is to call, before you can answer.

 

Only...

This time... it is one of those dreams.

 _Your_ phone rings.

Nate's face is on the screen.

Huh.

 

 

\- - -

 

“Do you realize that's the first fun thing we've done without Natie in years? I mean like outside of wherever we are living at the time...like a social outing??”

It's dark, Serena is bubbly but tired. A contradiction only she can pull off organically. We're walking up the hill leaving Melody's home and she is swinging our entwined hands. I nod serenely in response. She's right, of course we have spent time without Nate in the last few years but we haven't had an a plan separate from him together longer than I can remember.

Years spent on 5th avenue seem like stories from someone else's life. Nights at supper clubs. Balls, benefits, galas... how many times did we get ready together, share lipstick and flutes of champagne?

 

It all seems so painfully and impossibly _long_ ago.

She pauses then and asks me whether I want to go down by the boys or go and take advantage of the alone time? She's leaning against a giant Karri tree that is the central point of four homes, we can continue up to the bungalow or veer right to pass the shorter but more difficult route to Carter's home.

I think of Nate and Humphrey outside the caves and it's a pleasant warmth like wine drank too fast but she's right. This, just the two of us, is too great to pass on. I grin and look at the bungalow and she pulls me to her using our clasped hands and begins to kiss me.

Kissing Serena is and always has been different than kissing any of the men I've shared the act with. Nate's kisses are true, steady, almost healing...sometimes I get high on how pure he feels. Chuck? Well that's easy, they devoured me, it was sparks, passion, fear, getting lost. Carter was a dangerous distraction at the time... I wouldn't be surprised if it was completely different here and now over a decade later.

Dan Humphrey's kisses would make me dizzy, immutable most of the time they managed to find a nice balance between Chuck and Nate. Tender yet aggressive, he pulled at me, coaxed, stripped away and then honoured, always honoured. I struggle to remember the others, Louis' chaste dignified affections, Marcus is a blank altogether. To accurately categorize what this is between Serena and I … it is hard....

Symbiotic, intuitive... soft and ripe. I wonder if kissing all women is this way, if we kiss each other perfectly because we know what feels best by experience...one day maybe I will ask S.

I often - when we get really into it - have had moments wherein I forgave Nate and Dan their indiscretions of the past. Had I known this is what her lips felt like; I probably would have had a few of my own.

I feel the need to note; the kiss in the closet when we were 11? Not even close to this.

I am wearing one of Nate's exercise tanks of days past, with a scooping neckline and sides that hang very low with a small bandeaux underneath, she quickly pulls me as close as she can get me and slides the tiny top down. Her hands sneak in the sides easily and she pushes my breasts together tearing her mouth away from mine as her lips and tongue trail hotly and wetly down my throat and begin to lave at my nipples.

I flip the hem of her short flowing dress up and tug only one side of her panties down - roughly. That's all I need... and I know she gets extra excited whenever I am bossy and take charge with her, I think it has something to do with our old rivalry. I expertly place my hand over her, my middle finger pressed along the length of her and I wait.

A few second pass and I kiss her neck, nibble her shoulder and sure enough she moans and pushes against my hand, lowly crying _**please**_ somewhere into my bared cleavage. I dip my finger in, only past the first joint, keeping the rest of fingers pressed flushly against her and she pushes against me again...and again... and begins to build herself up on my soon two fingers. My nipples strain against her own administrations and one of her hands caresses and rubs one of my tits pleasantly.

She stops after about a minute which confuses me and drags my hand up to her mouth before grabbing me and kissing me all wet and hot with short breaths.

“Come on, I wanna taste you on that couch. Now B.”

The door is unlocked and the boys left a few of the lights on, we stumble in, our hands grabbing whatever we can on each other. Instead of going straight to the couch Serena has me hop up on the island in the kitchen. She pulls my ringer shorts off easily and my underwear along with them and begins to make a meal out of me. She has openly confessed to Nate, granted in one of her coy seductions, how much she loves going down on me. That she worries she wasted all those years with men.

He usually sees fit to restore her faith for the evening.

The combinations of her warm tongue and the cold marble under my ass feels divine, her fingertips dig into my thighs and I groan her name out between, “yes right there.” and “just like that.”

I vaguely consider becoming bossy again and insisting we go to the room instead so we can 69 properly when she pulls her head up and nips the back of my thigh with her teeth.

“Couch Waldorf.” She always says my last name all flirty and cute, it's an amusing contrast to that of Dan or Carter or pretty much anyone else for that matter.

The highlight reel of the couch features the usual - heavy, hurried petting, naughty words, scissoring. We don't bother to take anymore clothes off – except Serena's underwear. From where we are we can hear the front door if it opens and still have enough time to run to the room and surprise Nate.

But the real surprise is when Dan stumbles bleary eyed off the balcony rubbing one of his eyes with a raging sleep hard on sticking out from under his shorts.

Serena is on top me, angled so that her back is to him so I spot him just after he has seen us and mumbled huskily “Holy fuck.”

 

All I can say is “Eeep.”  
Serena stills and shuts her eyes, willing the moment to go away, biting down on her lip.  
A few beats, three at most.

 

He looks at me, lust all over his face, and I don't see the point of hiding my own.  
My free hand that is not on Serena's chest ever so slightly lifts to him as I bite my lip.  
 _Well?_

 

He takes one step, his hand squeezing at his erection and he groans a little, clearly fighting with himself.  
Serena turns around without noticing my hand and finds him this way, she is beyond relieved.  
I'm not sure what she thought he would be other than turned on by his two ex-girlfriends together.

 

He looks between the two of us, and then she speaks “room for one more.”  
His eyes go back to me and I can see the question in them.   
I nod and smile a tiny smile.

 

But then Serena speaks again, “Daaaan.” Sings his name out. And his entire demeanour changes. He drops his shoulders, yawns and rubs his face.

 

“ _ **God**_ knows I really want to... you have no idea but...uh.. I can... shouldn't. Sorry for uh interrupting.”

....

 

Serena yanks me up after we hear his door and grabs our clothes in the kitchen and we run down to our room and turn on the shower.

“What was _that_???” She all but wails while looking torn between tears and punching the wall.

“S...” I push her wet hair back and lean up to press a short kiss to her mouth. “He's probably in shock.”

“But I don't get it... he knows about all of us now... do you think it's the history?”

“Which *one*?” I ask pointedly and reach for the body wash.

I begin to slowly and firmly rub it into her chest hoping this provides enough of a distraction, where the fuck is Nate?

“Fair enough. Think he's not over the Chuck thing?”

I think about it for a second and shortly after I come to the conclusion that he probably on some level isn't but decide that his alterism is what eats at him more than anything – it dawns on me. It's Serena, he's afraid of hurting her.

“Hmm... it probably is the Chuck thing.”

 

 

Liar, Liar. Blair on fire.

 

\- -

Of course we all had plans to make breakfast together the next morning, and of course it takes Nate all of 15 minutes to realize the loud threesome we had last night is not the cause for awkwardness.

He laughs, uproariously at us all. No really, he _cries_. He laughs so hard that he fucking cries.

We all glare at him.

Serena looks to be holding back tears of her own but they're obviously different.

Dan sees this and reaches out and clutches her hand on the counter and slaps Nate on the shoulder quickly.

“Dude.” he hisses while I stare at their clasped hands against the same marble she ate me out on last night.

Nate wheezes something resembling an apology before adding, “Sorry I just don't see the big deal! Don't you all get it? HELLO!? We have all slept with each other! We've seen everything there is to see... and what little we haven't done is just inevitably going to happen at this point isn't it?”

It takes the other two a few seconds to realise what he means, to which Serena blushes happily for exactly two seconds before Dan catches on and drops her hand without looking at her.

 

I don't know if he was hoping she wouldn't notice but she did.

-

The next few weeks go by without any noteworthy incidents, I have heard Zach mention that within another month our home will be ready. It's obvious all the tenants of the bungalow are reconsidering the move all together.

But...

 

There is the now ever present awkward, tense air filling every moment, and every glance. We swing back between trying to find a new rhythm and forth to avoiding each other for different reasons. Dan broods and gets close then pulls away, Nate bounces between being direct and unapologetic to contemplative and observant.

Serena has just not been herself, I am genuinely surprised that she took the other night so poorly. I can't understand why it is Dan, after all this time, managed to get under her skin this easily.  
  
They left things in a purely platonic way **years** ago, she has dated many times, been engaged (twice), not to mention I'm pretty sure her and Carter may be occasionally hooking up or well on their way to. So... then... why now? All these years later?

Nate and I spend one evening breaking her apart in bed when Dan has a shift at the watchtower. We take her to the edge, over and over again, she fists the sheets, begs and screams until her voice cracks.

But the next day, I can see, even if Nate can't when Dan kisses her cheek goodbye as she is coming in when he leaves for a run – it is not enough.

I would never admit it out loud, but for the first time since our life has been set on this morbid trajectory... there is something I don't want to share with Serena anymore.

 

 

\- - -

 

 

You run once, maybe twice a week.  
You work hard, so you get other exercise, the run is usually to clear your head and blow off steam.

 

Since walking in on Blair and Serena you now run a **minimu** m of 3 days.

 

The sexual tension in the house is like a rubber ball in a windowless room. It bounces off every surface, no exit or point of release in sight. There is nowhere safe to go. Sometimes you have moments of weakness and linger but most often you wonder how this happened so suddenly. Just one week ago your biggest concern was that eventually you and Blair might have to have a conversation...as in talking.

Blair and Nate together presented some vague buzzing in your mind, Nate's question on their first night of whether it was dark in your life took on some new weight. Was he asking for you or for them? But nothing seemed pressing, or definitive. Nothing seemed urgent.

 

Now you feel like there is a clock planted in the center of the bungalow – just ticking away.

On Fridays you run early in the morning, you've just gotten to the road and stretched out your legs and ran maybe 7 paces when you hear your name.

Serena has scurried over. In a sports bra and small shorts.

God save the fucking Queen – why?

You stare dumbly at her for a second then recover asking her what she's doing.

“Would you believe going for a run together?” You frown deeply and then she drops the pretence.

“Ok, we're going to talk about why it is you only touch me when Nate is around.”

 

 

 

Well fuck.

 


	8. Act viii

_ Martha's Vineyard _

 

 

I once killed a man.

Sure, to be fair, I've killed more than a few people but almost exclusively by accident. This is not one of those times.

There are very often surprise raids, and we make it through a lot of them for so many reasons but the biggest is often that nobody ever thinks to separate the 3 of us. A little well placed, false bigotry against alters and a scan is enough to get anyone packing and the fact that all our neighbours are norms affords us easy outs.

There were, especially in the graveyard areas, a lot of independent hunters. Most of them were officers who were retirement age at the turn of the bio-scanner act being passed. Action hungry zealots who were denied a chance to really get at the “problem”, and were allowed to hang on to their units.

A lot of our current habits, we developed as a result of our time spent at the Vineyard. It was a wild place, no rules, no man's land, safe for it's extreme dangers. Not many ventured there.

 

His name is Morgan.

He comes at us from below, up the shores of the cold beach, Serena was asleep on the couch, while Nate was in the kitchen making some food to bring upstairs to me. I've been running very high and unstable for the past week. Originally a stress trigger, direct result of us getting word that Georgina was assassinated at a protest she was leading in defence of alters and the registration acts in honour of her son Milo.

 

She was one of the few people who knew where we were.

My pain doubles when a blow-dryer shorts in my hand and feeds 300 volts to my already building energy level. Nate seldom leaves my side, and if I have a sudden surge he calls Serena up, uses her to double up his power so to speak.

It is a complete fluke that Morgan reads Nate first, had he come in the front, he would have gotten to Serena first and probably things would have played out in an entirely different scenario. But he doesn't, and he clicks his gun loudly to draw Nate's attention. Nate tries to act like he is alone but Serena is woken up by the noise Morgan's voice makes and rounds the corner.

“Logan? Is that you?” Morgan points the scanner at her horrified face and rage clouds his expression when he realizes she is clean.

In a lot of ways, it is more dangerous for norms to be found out by some the more dogmatic grabbers and enforcers. You're seen as a traitor, filthy, part of the problem not the solution. Morgan has just used one of the magnetic-field cuffs and has trapped Nate's hands to the wall. Serena tries to run, to get help, but he's too fast. He grabs her by the throat and she cries out as he slams her on the old dining table by the sliding door.

Her screams, and Nate's pleas wake me out of my painful slumber in the bathtub of now melted ice. I've had a fever of 104.6 all day

My limbs are stiff and uncoordinated from the cold, but as she gets more hysterical and screams, “No please, god please, just stop.” The fear kickstarts me and I begin to vibrate.

I heat up quickly.

I was originally trying to seek out Nate, or get out the house if I didn't make it to him. I didn't want to kill them, they're all I have left. But when I get down the stairs and peek through the kitchen I can only see Nate hung up on the wall.

He sobs openly, “You fucking piece of shit monster, I'll kill you.”

The last thing I hear before I move is an unfamiliar voice, “Yeah? Let me just teach your little slut a lesson before we get to it.”

I'm sure there was a jingle of his belt, or a zipper but I don't remember, the details over time have been swallowed in a black hole of repression. I dash through the kitchen turn the corner to see a broad back I do not recognize. Serena's legs dangle off the table and her underwear is on the floor, I can't see her face.

 

The vibration is so high I've started shaking.

So.  
I grab his head, and let it all go.

 

His hands fly up to cover mine as his scream, loud and pain filled raises up higher and higher until white light pours out his eyes, mouth and nose.   
  
I did a full energy dump at the last second and he bled out and half melted all over our floor when I finally gave out and crumpled. As I watch his blood roll to me in slow motion, too weak to move, trying not to explode - all I can hear is both Nate and Serena crying.

The next morning is the first time we lose Serena. She isn't lucid for 4 days.

 

 

\- -

I am the first to hear the light knocking. I squint and look over at the digital clock on the other bedside table. It's not even 8 in the morning, what kind of brain damage has Humphrey sustained to think it acceptable to wake me before my usual 9am rising time?

 

Knock...knockknock....knock

 

I lift my head, Serena is missing, and Nate is out like a light. Which makes it sadder when I nudge him hard in the chest.

He flies up panicked. “What? What is it? Are you ok? Is there a fire?”

I point at the door, a scowl in place while another stream of soft knocks resonate shortly before he falls back, hard and dramatic and raises his voice “just a minute!”

I pull the thin sheet up to my neck and watch on as he takes his morning stiffy and pulls it upwards and tucks it under the waist band of his pajama pants. I catch a glimpse of Carter and Zach on the other side of the door and hear their footsteps fall away then promptly go right back to sleep.

 

\- - -

 

You sit by the river with Serena, you can't stay too much longer because it's only getting hotter and you're supposed to be waiting for word as to whether you will be helping change out some solar panels on a few of the houses down the hill.

The conversation so far has been stressful and repetitive. You tell her you again, for the 3rd time you don't understand why she even cares. You tell her, it's not her, it's just the way you live your life now, its too dangerous for a norm and even some alters to get close to you. That your desire to fight against your baser urges where she's concerned is for her own safety.

In short, it's not her, it's you. And it's not just her, it's all norms.

She feebly asks you if you don't feel this kind of resembles prejudice facing alters and you tell flatly that when your desire to put others' well being ahead of your dick's needs becomes life threatening then maybe.

She gets quiet and you tell her then, you have no idea what the future holds for the four of you now that she, Blair and Nate have changed the paradigm of their relationship. You tell her that it's not that you will never touch her, or that you don't find her attractive but, for starters, it wasn't something you **expected** to continue with her over some 15 years after you'd both moved on from the love you shared. Secondly, you add, should the rare occasion for going down memory lane present itself, you'd just feel better if Nate was there so you didn't have to worry about searing off her skin.

 

She flinches at your word choice and then looks at you with a tear filled smile. “You know what I just realized? This was totally my thing. I guess I've just never been 'one of the many' in your eyes before...didn't like it.”

 

You sigh sadly and pull her in for a lightning quick hug and tell her it does kind of suck.

 

“God... you're burning hot!” you raise an eyebrow and she throws up her hands.

 

“Okay, okay! You were right – I was wrong!”

 

 

\- - -

 

To my great surprise, (Nate has left to go with Zach and Carter), Serena returns _with_ Dan from his recently traditional early Friday morning run. I'm curious and a little wary but wait for them to talk, patience I didn't possess years ago. They find me on what has become my favourite stool in the kitchen, one of my feet up on the seat while the other hangs as normal, with my chin resting on my knee.

Serena looks a little embarrassed and Dan eyes my bare legs when he thinks I am not looking.

“Where's Natey?”

I answer Serena but address Dan when doing so, “Zach and Carter showed up. Guess it was urgent and they couldn't find you because Nate left with them.”

Dan looks at his clock, “It's only 10...”

I shrug non-committally. “How come your run took so long?”

Serena doesn't expect me to be this bold and her jaw drops as Dan, the bastard, smiles into his coffee cup.

“Serena? You've got this right?” he claps her on the shoulder ignoring as she swears gloomily at his retreating figure.

 

-

 

Serena, abashedly, leaves quickly to keep Melody company for her shift at the Watchtower an hour later which leaves Dan and myself waiting for Nate to return. He offers me the option to radio Zach and go to them but I don't mind waiting. We spend the next hour playing some strange sort of sexual version of “Chicken.”

I refuse to put on pants. I have on a very long flannel short sleeved button up which, appears entirely decent when I stand still, but I've got a total of 3 or 4 buttons done up. I know that I have a few times flashed Dan some of the plain white cotton lurking underneath. 

  
It may have been another lifetime ago but I remember easily what he is like when he is aroused. I noticed the telltale signs shortly after he returned from his shower and was somewhat surprised. There was a time when things like flannel and white cotton bikini briefs would be so far beneath me they'd be out of my line of vision entirely. He used to get excited by my lace, my satin, all the garters....I am curious albeit confused how this, now, does the trick.

There is no kettle so I put a pot of water on the fire to make tea when he is getting himself breakfast. He turns the knob off and presses a finger to the pot before shrugging, “This is faster.”

 

The water bubbles in one minute – flat.

I murmur my thanks and take two cups out but only pour water into mine and turn around and lean against the counter, watching him easily break two eggs on a skillet.

“So you really only gonna touch her with Nate around?”

He turns briefly and smiles, sticks his tongue against his cheek, “Are you, or rather, were you jealous Blair?”

I stay silent save for an indelicate snort into my mug. “I don't want to hurt her, or you for that matter.”

“So...it's a recluse's life for you?”

“If I make exceptions, it's not going to be on any more norms.” he throws bacon in, it smells so good and my stomach chooses this moment to growl loudly – Nate usually makes me breakfast on Fridays.

He looks at me with an expression I remember from our time together then back at the skillet before muttering that he needs the smaller frying pan. He turns to face me then; I am in front the cupboard that holds all the pots and pans. He takes two steps to me and clears his throat asking permission to get in. 

  
“Go ahead.” I say plainly, careful to disguise the coyness in my tone.

I scoot all of 3 inches over, which allows him to open one of the doors, but will see him having to squat next to my bare leg. He comes to stop directly in front me before he opens the door, his body inches from mine, the heat of him causes sweat to begin to bead on my chest. I duck my face behind the giant blue mug as he squats and reaches in and behind where my legs are. The angle is not easy, and I gasp when his fingers graze my bare leg.

“Any chance you're bored of pushing your luck with torturing me and can - I don't know... sit up on the counter or something before my food over cooks?” he couldn't say this any dryer.

I let my lip get caught in a grin and hoist myself up after placing the mug to my right, he pulls at the door and this causes me to spread my legs. When he shuts the door he catches sight of my underwear and doesn't even bother to hide the pleased sound that falls past his lips.

I hold absolutely still and watch him.

He puts two eggs in the frying pan with one very thick slice of bacon then places it in his open, spread palm standing just to the left of me. I sneak a peek at the stove and only then do I realize the other burners all have pots on them.

I still haven't closed my legs but Dan seems determined not look back there again, he levels me with intense eye contact and the bacon begins to sizzle in the pan.

In this moment, I start to feel conflicted, a sensation fills me slowly I try not to name but it's no use - I want him. I stop fighting against the admission but I know it's too soon. Slowly, I feel an ache low in my belly, I think yet again to myself – I should stop but I can't. The fingers of his other hand come to rest on the edge of the counter – between my legs. His knuckles go white, that and the heat rolling off him are the only things that contradict his calm exterior.

I wonder if he will touch me, and tell myself I shouldn't want him to , from there it's a short leap to remembering our time together in New York. The trips, dinners, sex, thanksgiving in France... then I think sadly of my dad, and the call he placed to me after I broke off our relationship. How disappointed he was, then I remember the last time I heard his voice on the phone. This creates yet still more conflicting emotions for me to sort through on top of raging lust - and I feel myself start to heat up.

“What would happen if you touched me right now?” I whisper, the eggs are now also sizzling and making tiny popping noises.

He puts the pan down and rakes his eyes down me once.

“I only would if you were overheating or unstable yourself Blair.” He takes his now empty hand, the other one is still between my legs and hovers it over my thigh, gasping when he feels a small bit of heat.

 

His fingers twitch and then...  
Nate and Zach walk in.

 

 

\- - -

 

You fight back a very large groan - not necessarily due to the moment being interrupted but because of two other things; Nate's expression of pure pleasure. He looks all too much like the cat that caught the canary, the second being the look that Zach fixes on the two of you ; narrowed and analytical.

 

You make a point not to make any sudden jerky movements, shoot for a false calm, waiting for them to speak first. Blair to her credit leaves her legs exactly as they are and picks up her cup and takes another dutiful sip.

 

Nate speaks first, “Oh good you made her breakfast, Thanks!”

 

You tell him pleasantly that her stomach put up quite the verbal fuss about it so you kind of had no choice. This quip is followed by a little yelp when she pinches you – hard - in the small of your back now that you've stepped in front her allowing her to adjust her legs.

 

So much for gratitude.

 

Nate's hand finds your shoulder and squeezes as he walks around you before he kisses Blair long and deep while Zach turns on the tap and gets himself a glass of water.

 

“So Danny – news.” he says after taking a long drink (during which he eyes the three of you).

 

You turn to face him, leaning against the counter, a total of maybe 4 inches between yourself and the two other people in the suddenly too small kitchen. Nate is now standing between Blair's legs - his back to her – his hands brace against the counter on either side of her. You begin to realise why, when they first arrived, they both physically seemed to seek each other over Serena – standing this close to Nate now you feel your left arm cooling down somewhat.

 

You address Zach and Nate together, asking what happened that got them out so early and they inform you and Blair that a father and daughter have arrived seeking refuge. The father is a scientist who specializes in genetics and his daughter – is a telekinetic. This is actually the kind of news you've been waiting for since moving here, there are two Doctors in the village but neither of them are going to be able to do things – make strides that a geneticist can.

 

So much is about to change.

 

 

 

 


	9. Act ix

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is eating my life. My brains too.  
> Thanks a million for the reviews! Kisses!

_ Manhattan _

 

 

Nate and I have only ever once had dark, angry sex. The kind of twisted union that leaves you days later feeling conflicted and even a little ashamed afterwards. The kind of sex, I knew like the back of my hand as it popped up regularly during the Chuck Ages. I think it had to happen at least once, something to confirm that almost the opposite is true when Nate and I are usually together.  
  
A compare and contrast.

These were dark times after all. Light was a luxury in every way, the three of us, our lives, were no exception.

 

It's been 5 months since Chuck and Vanessa have been gone, though we miss Vanessa to varying degrees owing to obvious factors we both ache for Chuck in a way that is huge and heavy. Nate has lost his oldest friend while a tumultuous, epic, formative chapter has closed in on me as well.

And the dark truth is … … we both are closely tied to Chuck's death, torn up inside by guilt that weighs on us like a barrel of water.

For Serena, Chuck is just a bigger part of the whole, a drop of loss in an ocean of grief.

For quite some time Chuck and I's apartment had become a safe-house for all our contraband. The 4 of us lived together in a 5 story walk up, on the top floor for the duration. The property was in Nate's mother's name, her one parting gift before she fled America the year before. On this day, when I wake up it is because Serena is distressed that Nate is gone. He has left us a note but hasn't said where he is or shared an exact time for his return.

It has been a week since I've thought about Chuck.

Serena and I try to distract ourselves, we clean, we put on an old movie. She decides to tackle an extensive meal but seems mentally elsewhere. When she takes the cake out the oven to cool, I remark that I had no idea she was planning to do dessert as well.

She stares sadly at the cake and gives me a nervous side long glance, “It's Dan's birthday.”

I fill to the brim with sadness and shame for not remembering, and then I have to reset the clock because Chuck pops into my head when I feel downright dirty for missing the man who **left** for the one who was _lost_. I wait until Serena falls asleep on the couch, her dainty tea cup still has vodka in it, and get dressed quietly. I leave her a note, claiming that I think I know where Nate is and that I will come back in 2 hours whether I find him or not.

I look at her before I close the door and feel still more guilt, she probably shouldn't be alone. This is selfish of me, but hopefully Nate will be there any minute.

 

-

 

When I open the door to the apartment and lock it behind me, I turn the corner and find the barrel of a shotgun right between my eyes.

“Jesus Christ - B I could have killed you! How did you find me?” Nate lowers his arms so fast I flinch - worried the gun will go off.

I stammer at the sight of him, rugged and heaving breaths; he looks miserable.

“I... I didn't know you'd be here. I needed to clear my head.”

He takes a glance at the door, I assume to see whether I've in fact locked it and then releases a heavy sigh and runs his hands through his hair. I try in vain to think of what I will say when he asks me again what I am doing here, afraid to admit that I am trying to outrun a ghost. I haven't yet begun the metamorphosis that takes me on the journey to becoming the patient, observant girl who ends up in Austrailia so, I go on the offensive.

“How often do you come here?”

“Enough to know that you never do.” he walks over to the coffee table and I see an open bottle of whiskey and 3 glasses.

“I come sometimes, it's hard.”

I see a soft look flutter across his face briefly but then he shuts me out, this makes me bristle considerably. “Well Serena is freaking out, and we should get back, it's not safe.”

Nate gets up with one of the glasses in his hand and walks over, standing the closest he has stood to me in years, vaguely dark and threatening around his sloppy drunk edges. 

  
“Why are you here Blair? And don't fucking lie and pretend like I won't notice.”

Shit.

“She really does have me on edge,” I don't bother to say Serena's name. We both know who I mean. “She's going on about Humphrey.”

“It's his birthday.” Nate whispers weakly.

“I guess I missed the memo that he was still important.” I spit it out bitterly, shame choking my every breath.

Nate's eyes cloud over and he drinks while not looking at me, but still I am trapped – my back pressed flush against the wall. “So Dan is enough to get you up and out of there but Chuck can only get you to the apartment _sometimes_? That's fucked up Blair.”

My eyes tear up immediately and he glares at me, waiting. A few seconds pass and I wait too, frozen.... lost. Then he snorts, in the most derisive, dismissive way, turns his nose up at me and suddenly I slap him soundly - completely outside of any pre-meditated thought of my own.

 

Silence.

 

Pink blooms on his fair cheek, and he looks at me, teeth gritted.

Words hang in the air between us...Unspoken; _don't go there._

He drops the glass and it shatters on the hardwood floor and I now have whiskey all over my toes as his hands grab my face and he kisses me hard.

This is how Nate and I come together after all these years, a flurry of anger, pain, guilt and sorrow.

I feel a queasiness in the pit of my stomach when Chuck's face flashes behind my eyes, I don't feel guilty because Nate is his best friend. I was Nate's long before Chuck ever even knocked on my proverbial door. I feel overwhelming guilt because, here and now I didn't realize how much I missed the feel of this man. This is the darkest I've ever seen him, and still somehow I feel like he is pouring a cure to some illness I can't shake – into me, all over me.

Nate fucks me, right there against the wall. He bites my shoulder when he cums and I feel a tear or two fall on my neck afterwards, but he says nothing. He places me on the couch, takes off my shoes and disappears into the shower furthest away from the living room, the guest shower. I go to my old bathroom and have a good cry while I clean up, he finds me on my bed, we're both freshly showered and he opens his mouth twice before frowning at his feet.

“I didn't want this to be how we did this... ever.” he tells me.

I nod, unsure what to say.

“Like... it's bad enough that...We share this. He's a part of us now.”

“Whether we like it or not.” I reply.

He throws himself at my feet, “I'm so sorry Blair. I failed. It won't happen aga..”

  
“Shhhh.” and even though I didn't plan to, I lean in and kiss him - urgently - and he responds...

 

Like Nate. Like light.

 

\- - -

 

Zach decides he wants a poker game for his birthday. Boys only.

 

Carter cattily says the last part to you and Nate when they announce it a few nights before while dropping you off after a run to one of the factory outlets on the fringes of the forest. It's one of the sprawling impersonal monstrosities that supplies mostly non-perishables.  Nate casts his eyes skyward and gives you a _'can you believe this guy?'_ look to which you only shrug. After all he is sleeping with both of the women in the bungalow but refuses to acknowledge that this isn't nearly as commonplace as he believes.

 The night rolls around quickly and Serena has made plans with Melody that Blair has opted out of. When it is time to go she is in the living room with the batteries. Her eyes are heavy and she moves stiffly. Nate doesn't want to leave even when she tells him she intends to take an ice bath and discharge some energy out on the main road if it's still bad.

 

“Humphrey, please, take my side for once.” the sentence seems like it weighs a ton on her pink lips.

 

Nate's face is a sea of frowns and scowls and he looks at you almost daring you to convince him to go. You surprise them both by reaching out and lifting Blair easily and telling him to grab the tub of batteries. Blair is too sore to fight as you guide her legs around your waist and her arms droop around over your shoulders, her face buried in your neck.

 “Thanks Dan.” she whispers.

  _'mmmhmm.'_ you intone kindly.

 You take her to your room, place her in the bed, Nate waits curious and hands her the batteries as you shift the basket out from under your bed and begin digging through the phones. You try not to think of how warm she felt and how tempted you were to crawl into the bed yourself.  You pull two phones out finally. They're encrypted and modified to work like walkies. You tell her she is to call if she goes onto to the street or if the pain gets bad and you or Nate will come to her.

 She seems satisfied with the compromise while Nate looks fit to blow a fuse any minute.

 You tell him you both need to at least make an appearance, and he just got here and doesn't need to earn a reputation this soon. He grouses and looks at you and then Blair for a moment and ... then _chortles_.

 

“Oh BOY.” Blair bristles immediately, and you nudge him, hard, towards the door telling him to shut the fuck up.

 

-

 

Nate takes a beer for the walk down, you ask him if he has endless reservoirs of grace to which he raises an eyebrow. You point out that he somehow manages to even make beer in a can look like it's in a crystal clear pilsner glass. He favours you one of his open, warm laughs before he throws his arm around your neck and kisses the top of your head.

 “How is it you always manage to make the best compliments sound so bitter? Are we still doing the thing where we're jealous of each other all these years later?”

 His arm stays around your neck and you bark out a dismissal of the words “each” and “other”.

 “Oh come on _Daniel_.” He says the word in what sounds like a cracked out Blair imitation and you blush wondering if they've ever spoken about you in that way or if it's just his usual tendency to have a good memory.

 You tell him you're quite serious and you, before he can try to contest this, tell him don't even try to sell you on the whole “jealous of your family's bond” crap. He calls you an insensitive prick without an ounce of malice. You didn't realize just how much you - tangibly - missed him.

 “You should see yourself the way others see you man.” You tell him Blair said the same thing and he only tilts his chin in a _well duh_ way.

 “Whatever dude, when you're not over thinking things, you've got a really organic way with people. I may be charming but that's an affectation, an influence, and I also don't know anymore just how my ability works.”

 He pauses then, “So that doctor... you think it's safe for me to see him? I kinda really want some more clarity on what it is I do, you know?”

 You tell him plainly he has to. His ability is not like anything you've ever seen.

 

“Yeah...between you and me? I'm kinda afraid of that.”

 

 

\- - -

  _Manhattan_

 

 

Serena's father dies in the act of sacrificing himself so that Eric and her mother can sneak out and run to meet my parents in France. Nate takes a trip by himself to go to the empty apartment to get some medication for a wholly distraught Serena and she spirals further away from me with each passing minute. I stay with her in the bathroom until she brokenly says she feels gross. After I fill the tub and help her in, I go and grab a small rag, I return to find her with her head back against the wall and eyeliner stains her cheeks.

As I wipe her face she stares at me with bloodshot eyes, “You know... I never thought it would be you who would break down first and sleep with Nate.”

My hand stills on her neck for a few seconds and I ask her quietly, “We've avoided talking about this for weeks now and today is when you want to finally broach it?”

I say it without an shred of bite, I genuinely feel this is a poor time for us to go down this road. We have not yet, all three of us, begun sleeping together - be it sexually or in the same room. Since our dysfunctional reunion Nate has been more liberal with how he touches me but nothing as overt as where the three of us end up. He has stayed up late a few times, deep in the night and stolen into my room. **We** haven't even spoken about what it is we're doing.

Nate and Serena – however - have been incredibly tactile for months now, she's right, it is surprising.

“You're right.” I dip the rag in a small bowl next to me, “It wasn't planned or anything Serena, we haven't even talked about it and I don't think we will. It's not about labels or anything like that.”

“It's about need.” She whispers as a tear rolls down her face.

I sigh, “Yes... but...and...we all need each other.”

Her eyes dart over, she wasn't expecting me to say this. I seal the suggestion with a soft brush of my lips against her cheek, “We all need each **other**.”

Nate's arrival is announced by the front door slamming and 5 locks, one after the other, being slid in place. When I glance back over Serena has slid under the water completely. I panic for a second or two but she rises, sobbing brokenly and wiping her face. I hear Nate's hurried footsteps and I walk over to meet him at the threshold.

He shoves 3 small bottles into my wet hands and leaves momentarily, only to return with a glass of apple juice a minute later and puts it in my hand and peers over at her. He takes in the scene quickly and then says simply, “Talk to me.”

“Nate....” His blue eyes find mine waiting for an instruction, “Help her.”

I give him back the glass and the pills and he takes them, I see the automatic response in his movements so I stop him right as he is in front of me and my hand goes into his hair. I place my lips over his and press my fingers into his neck for emphasis.

“HELP, her.”

His frown gives way to recognition, “Uh... really?”

“If that's what she needs, then yes really. We only have each other, we say it every day, we mean it with our hearts and souls sure - but when are we going to start translating that into action?”

“I love the both of you. You know that right?” He says in a small heavy breath.

“We do.” I kiss him quickly, “I'm going to try and see if there's any soup I can whip up and put in a cup for her. She needs to eat something with those.” I incline my head to the pills in his hand.

 

And I leave them. 

I leave Nate to pick Serena up out the tub. (all the pieces of her)  
Leave him to take her in a giant robe to his room.  
Leave her to sob the words Why and Nate over and over.

I leave the mug on the table next to their sleeping nude forms some 45 minutes later.

 

 

\- - -

 

You've lost count of how many hands have been played when Nate pulls the ringing phone out his pocket and asks for a time out grabbing you by the shirt to follow him to the front. Blair assures him that her bath helped, that she's going to nap and the both of you officially don't have to worry. She asks to speak to you and when you greet her she tells you she just did an energy dump into the a few of the appliances, and the water system's engine where you found her weeks ago.

 The two of you walk back in deep in conversation, Nate is saying he would feel better if Serena was there, to which you tell him that Serena can't really do anything constructive regardless.

 

You both reach for your cards and look over to find the other two staring at you.

Uh-Oh

 

Carter is barely containing what appears to be an excess of amusement and Zach is expectantly waiting. Nate, smiles coyly and throws a hand down refusing to be the first to speak.

 “So based on what I've been able to string together I've come to some conclusions about America. Or at the very least New York.”

 Zach's accent never fails to magnify the wryness of his statements tenfold.

 “Oh?” Carter and Nate humour him.

 “It seems that every one on your upper east side, finds it beneath themselves to fornicate outside their established social circle... or maybe it's a location thing – so beyond a certain amount of kilometers?”

 You mirthlessly laugh at this and put your cards down following Nate.

 Carter looks at Zach, “Buddy? I don't even a little bit have a comeback to that. Though it is worth noting that these two share more partners in common than either of them do with me,”

 “Says who?!” Nate exclaims, his face a mask of pretend indignation.

 “Well there's the obvious... and what was that lovely brunette's name? Abrhams?”

 Nate huffs, concedes begrudgingly, it's been a while since you've thought of Vanessa. Even longer since you've remembered that both you and Nate have in fact both slept with her.

 “This is truly fascinating to me, How do you lot decide who goes first? Is there some sort of roster?”

 Right as you flip Zach the middle finger and laugh loudly Carter mutters, “Well it's always Archibald first... and even more often – him only.”

 “I guess we ought to start calling you Ladykiller then?” Zach raises and slides a few chips to the middle.

 “Don't listen to Baizen man.” Nate is avoiding direct eye contact when he says this, his cheeks are rosy.

 

You second this advice and add that Chuck actually beat Nate in the case of Blair.

 

“Well whether I listen to him or not, you've got admit it's a little crazy that you've ALL slept with each other at some point.”

 Carter, ever the smarmy shit disturber smiles at this and says while looking at Nate, “Well... not all of us... I never quite played on the other side of the fence, the younger ones were always a little more experimental than my year.”

 Zach of course picks up on the undertone, he opens his mouth to speak but instead looks at you and Nate to see if either of you react – which you don't.

 As an afterthought Carter winks at Zach, “You would've had many options to choose from Z.”

 “Subtle.” Zach chuckles.

 You and Nate sneak a glance at each other and exchange smirks.

 “You're so bitter Baizen.” Nate puts down a flush and Carter groans.

 “I quite like the sound of that Ladykiller.” Zach laughs and gathers up all the cards to shuffle them, “BitterBaizen has a helluva ring to it.”

 

 


	10. Act x

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know - I'm evil. I can't lie, I'm loving the build up of dair sexual tension - well as much as one can love torturing fictional characters in a word file.
> 
> Also this chapter got awaaaay from me. SO long.

Dan and Nate come home sometime after 1 in the morning, Serena has been back for 15 minutes and both she and Nate are incredibly drunk. They find us in the kitchen, I am in the process of hunting down a snack while Serena trails behind me a hurricane of drunken affection. Kissing the back of my neck, slipping her hands under my shirt quickly, fleeting gropes here and there. She's not trying to take it any where knowing that I'm somewhat unstable, she's just enjoying nuzzling me for my warmer than usual body temperature. The walk up has chilled her ever so slightly and it feels pleasant on my skin when she touches me.

The guys stroll in, Dan is clearly sober and I see at once in Nate's relaxed lopsided smirk and his messier than usual hair that he is beyond tipsy. He gives Dan a look at something they whisper about just before getting in earshot that is pure mischief and.... almost provoking.

Dan responds to whatever was said with a smile and shakes his head, looking away with a small laugh. I've found myself more intrigued by their interactions the closer Dan and I get, especially since Nate has been in some ways, almost, pushing for things to change between us.

I'm curious as to why.

 

“Boooyyys!” Serena cheers when she sees them which causes me to giggle.

“Babes!” Nate returns at a lower volume and scoops her up onto the island's cool surface before dropping a kiss on her lips and neck quickly,

“How was the night?” She asks beating me to it.

They trade stories, a lot of laughter ensues, Serena drunkenly starts to grill Dan about Melody. Asking him personal details about the other woman, enjoying seeing him squirm – which he does in stride (as usual).

Nate stands in front me, his forehead on mine, “How are the joints B?”

“Better.” Especially when he is this close I do not say.

I rub our noses and he leans his lips near my ear, “Better enough for me to ravage you?”

A shiver ghosts all over my skin and I pout a little and shake my head no, “'Fraid not Captain. But the good news is, S it seems - has enjoyed herself as much as you in the drinks department, she's been all over me since she got in.”

He purrs at the thought right as Serena reaches a long bare leg out and places it low on Dan's belly. His eyes catch mine and we have a “sober person” moment.

“I'm thinking of seeing if Mel wants to start a support group.” she teases.

“Oh God, I'm sure I want to hear exactly *none* of this.”

Nate looks over and his grip on me starts to loosen, he runs his thumb over my lips distractedly as Serena pushes Dan's buttons boldly.

“Yeah ...I think... I'll send out a bulletin for all the women Dan Humphrey will no longer touch.” She pokes at his belt buckle with her toes, “You think I can get a picture of you for the meeting room?”

 

I push Nate towards them and he knows immediately what I am saying, _handle your girl._

 

He slides between them, taking Serena's ankle in his hand, “Hmmm... I'll touch you...”

She's instantly distracted, “Yeah? You will?”

“Mmhmm, and kiss you, put it on you...”

They start a very engrossed make out session right there with Serena still sitting on the island. Her slim feet lock together at the ankles against the small of his back, while his hands palm and squeeze her thighs – hard. I find myself unable to look away from the sight of her tan flesh filling the spaces between his slender fingers.

At this point Dan moves alongside the counter's edge, he stops maybe centimetres from me, I can almost feel his pinky finger touch my own.

“How come you're not drunk?” I find it hard to believe that he abstained from Zach's brandy.

I look as Nate's hand slides under Serena's skirt, my heart speeds up, are they just going to start? Right here? Dan looks on, his arms were folded earlier but one hand came up to scratch his stubble when the other took up residence near my own. I glance at our fingers, flexing mine for a few seconds - wanting to touch him.

“Uh... I can't get drunk anymore.” I raise my eyebrows, “Yeah... apparently having an oven for insides kinda makes alcohol go poof – really quickly. I can get a nice buzz but not for long.”

He makes the decision for me and slides two of his fingers over mine and my mouth goes dry in a showcase of sheer nerves.

“I um... didn't in a million years think this was something I would be witnessing, let alone possibly be slowly getting used to.” He speaks the words so that only I can hear.

I try not to let my breath come out shaky, I don't know what to say. Serena pulls their lips apart and takes Nate's shirt off as he chuckles, the sound is thick with seduction and promise. This is new for me, how many times have I watched them together? Countless, how many times have I had someone else in the audience with me? Never.

Nate takes a look over at us in that second and grins wickedly, “Hey... so uh... you're not going to touch?”

Dan watches in silence as Nate's hand finds Serena under her underwear, she gasps and hums contentedly as her eyes slip shut. _Drunk Nate_ can be so intensely sexy and dangerous it's sometimes hard to stand, he often inspires my competitive side, a series of attempts to one up each other can play out at the drop of a hat.

I move then, begin to walk over and pull a surprised Dan with me, “What about just one touch to start?” I coax.

His brown eyes find mine and I see his pupils dilate at the sound of my words.

Serena leans back on the island, her hair spills over the other side like some kind of chocolate waterfall. Dan's grip tightens on my hand, his fingers get warmer and I remember what he told me in the caves, anything that makes his heart race will heat him up. As we get within arm's reach of Nate he starts to cool down almost instantly and he must sense the same of me because he suddenly tugs, pulls me closer and slides his hand into my hair. He reaches up, pulling the clip that is there out (and tossing it carelessly over his shoulder) before taking a fistful of blue.

His lips hover over mine, his breath caresses them as he says to me, his eyes undressing my parted mouth “Tell me to stop.”

I bite my lip which provokes a small sharp intake of breath and though I didn't think there was enough space to do so he moves even closer, but still waits and repeats himself.

“Blair, Tell me to stop.”  
The last vestiges of my resolve crumble once and for all.  
“No.”

I tilt my chin to meet him halfway and kiss him deeply, a moan leaving me. My chest feels stretched thin from the pressure that is released when his lips find mine. I struggle not to pant into this mouth, but our kiss is ragged. A cocktail of urgency, fear, pain, loss, frustration, guilt – we could only do this if Nate was here I realize in this moment. His teeth find my top lip and he growls and tugs on my hair a little bit before a strangled groan escapes from him as he reigns himself in.

“Just one touch.” he says this for everyone to hear. 

I understand the disguised meaning in these words, he wants to stop before it gets too far because he doesn't think he will be able to stop otherwise. And though, with Nate there, he can continue on with Serena... He presses a soft small peck to my lips speaks lowly to me, confirming my theory.

“You can't handle much more than that anyway.”

 

It is not truly about he and Serena, it may one day be about all of us – very likely, very soon – but he's more interested in resolving things between us. When Nate slides his hand over the hand Dan has placed on the counter I consider amending my thought process – there may be more at play here.

Just how much did I miss all those years ago before I became quiet and observant?

 

 

\- - -

 

**Macau**

 

You have been living in China for 6 months before you make enough money and contacts to actually make the move to Australia a reality. You're on your way to get one of your translation ear pieces fixed when you run into her. You don't hear her at first because for about a week now you've only been hearing half the words in a sentence and it's made you drown out most conversation.

“Oh my god it is you - Humphrey!”

Georgie Sparks.

A couple lifetimes unfold in seconds as you give each other a long hug.

Times have changed your perspective on so many things but looking at her now, and how she has aged you're glad you left New York when you did. She tells you she is here to meet the local resistance, the word causes your ears to perk up. You give her a once over questioningly, to which she sighs tiredly.

“I'm not an alter if that's what you're wondering. Just someone who is a fierce ally in the fight. “

When you ask her why - the reason breaks your heart, “Milo. They came into my home and took my 14 year old son away from me because they found him in that fucked up registry. I'm trying to put an end to it all.”

You tell her you're so sorry.

“Someone, somewhere would probably say this is karma... but I don't know if this proportionate.”

'Just one person?' you tease and she actually laughs.

“Come with me to the meeting, I heard about you – through the grapevine – so you're obviously not doing a good job of hiding. You could use the help.”

She's absolutely right.

She instructs you to stay behind after a very interesting meeting, the room is full with so many people that your head spins trying to commit their faces to memory. Immortalize them because to be an alter is to be very, painfully mortal.

“So you want to go to Austrailia? I got a guy who's on the verge of creating a hidden community – really far in land. You could go over with him. Meet with the other people there who are involved. It's just a bungalow right now but they're about to begin expansion. Plus the guy in charge of sneaking people off the western hemisphere is familiar face.”

You look at her for a moment and put your hand on her shoulder and tell her, earnestly, that you're so proud of the woman she's become.

Her eyes tear up and she brushes it off. You see for a moment the girl she was when you first met her – minus the crazy deception of course.

“Oh!” She suddenly remembers something, “Did you hear that Archibald presented? Or have you just literally left it all behind?”

Your heart sinks at this news, your bond with Nate is often one of the few things that causes you to have some regret when you allow it. There is an innate understanding that you have of each other. Children with desires that somewhat perplexed your parents, his battles with becoming a social outcast from his fickle peers mirrored your every day at St. Judes.

You both know what it is to feel the whispers and judgemental stares of others on you as you walk by. Nate was also one of the only Upper East Side residents that showcased his honour and loyalty with pride. You shamefully admit to yourself that towards the end of your time in New York you acted more like you were born into that world than he did in all the time you knew him.

Nate never turned his back on you after you only **once** had his.

You don't want this for him, this existence that feels more punishment than diagnosis.

Just then you hear someone yell “Sparky!” from behind you and Georgina says, that the familiar face has arrived at long last. Suddenly you turn around to see Carter Baizen, his face looking positively wind burnt with another man you've never met trailing behind.

“No WAY.” he says and pulls you into the most unexpected embrace you've received in close to a decade.

 

 

\- - -

 

 

Dan has recently acquired a chaise style chair on the balcony that I've become very well acquainted with in recent weeks, this is where Nate finds me the next afternoon when he stumbles out of bed. We don't immediately talk about the previous night, he smells like a mix of spearmint and earl grey and tastes even better when I briefly feel his tongue push past my lips for all of 2 seconds.

“You stayed with Dan last night?” He fails at hiding the desperate edge in his curiosity.

I look at his face intently before I answer, “Slept there, yes. What's going on Nate?”

The second sentence leaves me in the form of a sigh, I give up, I need to figure this out. “Why are you pushing me at Dan? _**Are**_ you? Do you not want this anymore?”

He scrambles up right at once, takes my chin in his hand kisses me hungrily, sticks his hand in my shirt for good measure. I, ever so slightly, hate that it's this easy for him to get me worked up these days.

“How could you even ask that.” he pants out, lips shining.

I say nothing but look a little embarrassed.

He answers my question with another question, which I hate, “Why was it so easy for us to pick up where we left off years ago but it's so hard for you two to take a second chance that's being handed to you?”

He kisses me once more, short, and leaves me to think about this.   
It is a heavy consideration to make.   
I fear I cannot avoid talking to Dan much longer.

 

-

 

The next day I return from a volunteer shift at the medical building, I'll admit part of this is because I've been longing for some time - for something _else_ to fill my days... but it is also so that I can be in proximity to this new doctor that Nate has been openly curious about. I need to be reassured that he is good hands when he does eventually see him.

The front door is open and as I take my shoes off, Carter and Nate's voices float over to me from the balcony. It takes me a few moments but I realize they are talking about Serena.

“So if something more did happen... how would this work? Do you and I have to sleep together?” Nate guffaws at this question.

 

“Bro – consent is very much a thing in all of this. Serena doesn't belong to Blair and I – I mean yes...we all belong to each other but – we just want her to be happy and loved how she wants to be. If sometimes she wants to curl up in bed with you that's cool. The world could end tomorrow Carter.”

There is a long pause before his last sentence. It's dark and heavy but oh so Nate – it says quite simply; live for the now.

“Anyway bro, not interested in you that way, sorry to crush your pipe dream.”

I choose to, at that point, yell a half-hearted Hello into the air.

“Out here!” he returns.

I smile at them and say hello once more and he reaches up and rubs my tummy (briefly) placidly with the greeting “Hey Baby.” it still gives me butterflies after all these years.

At that moment I become aware of a piano playing slowly, far away. They both see my brows furrow and take note of me looking back into the living area.

“Did you know Dan took up playing?” Nate asks this, observing me intensely.

I give him a look that says plainly, _stop it_ , and he chuckles and puts his hands up in mock surrender. Carter looks on confused but says nothing – thank God. I stand there for what I consider to be the appropriate amount of time, biting my nails while half listening to them chat about the rest of the week. Then the playing picks up its pace and I turn and slowly follow the sound down the hall in the direction of Dan's room. There are two rooms and a wash room on the way to his room and I've never paid attention to any of it really but I realize belatedly one is Dan's study.

I push the door as silently as I can muster and lean against the frame. There's only one window, it sits between the piano on one end and a writing desk and book shelf on the other. Dan sits at the mismatched bench, his cigarette is doing the thing where it's in his mouth only because it's stuck to his lip and I hate that he makes such a disgusting habit look so wretchedly attractive. He begins to play something that sounds familiar, like a score from a movie from many years ago but I can't place it.

“You playing the role of voyeur again today?” The cigarette gets shorter but he doesn't exhale.

“Mmmm.” is all I say before spotting a previously unnoticed, really comfy looking armchair adjacent to his writing desk.

 

I fall quickly into thought while watching his dexterous fingers easily slide back and forth over the blacks and whites, I've always secretly liked his hands. Long, very long, before I should have. Nate's question comes back to me, rushing around me like I am stepping into a river. Why is this so different? What causes things to be so unresolved and tense between Dan and myself but not when it comes to Nate? Our second night here Serena said something to me (in one of our only conversations about Dan and I) that comes back to me now.

“I get why he could still be mad, I don't know why you are B.”

Translation; you broke up with him, told him it wasn't fair to stay together while you still had Chuck in your system. You ended things. You. You. **You**. He left because of You. You. _You_.

Why was it not a big deal to return to Nate? (Dan changes songs mid note.)  
This. This is why, he was unpredictable (but not dangerous).

Dan and I were never **supposed** to happen. Nate and I were only _ever_ supposed to (so our parents told us). Nate has always been....well easy...soothing, organic, safe... easy. But the man playing the theme song from Chariots of Fire – probably to make fun of my intense expression – on the piano before me was always a surprise. Unplanned – I don't like surprises. He pulls things from me I didn't expect to give away.

But also, even more than this series of epiphanies.  
I guess, I was mad for so long because he left before I could snap out of the huge mistake I made. By the time I realized that Chuck was akin to a drug I should have quit ages ago, solidarity had already become the name of the game.

 

Hold onto those who will hold you back.

“I shouldn't have left you.”

He hits an ugly sounding combination of keys suddenly... looks over his shoulder at me with his hands sitting limply on the keys.

“I know that already.” I try to figure out what to say next, come up short, then settle for changing the subject for the time being.

“What's up with Nate constantly trying to make something happen between us.”

He makes a face at me that says, _I see what you did there_ , then takes his sweet time responding - pretending to think over what I am sure he already knows the answer to.

“Nate just doesn't like to see people sad when he knows they can be otherwise.” He avoids my eyes while he says this which causes me to glare but say nothing.

“Remember when I told you I felt that our abilities were based on who we were as people before the vaccines? Well think about Nate. Nate the peace-keeper, the self-sacrificing, noble team player. Always tries to be the best version of himself that he thinks you want, he values harmony Blair – especially in his inner circle.”

 

And though, I resented him for so long about it, I see now why **Inside** was a huge success. Dan Humphrey has, for years now, figured us all out. Broken us apart and put us back together with complete understanding of even our most secret motivations. Nate appears at the door then, almost as if conjured by our conversation but I know this is not the case when he tells Humphrey that Carter is borrowing his truck to go pick someone called Bishop up. He sits next to Dan on the bench, facing me where I have been comfortable in the armchair for not even a full minute. 

  
“Serena's going with him for the ride – oh Hey, I saw Zach earlier why didn't you tell me anything about Friday man?” He's speaking to Dan now, his tone morphs to the tender, coaxing one I know well.

His knees shift so he's angled to Dan and his hand briefly touches his back, the fingertips lining up with Dan's spine that I see plainly since he isn't wearing a shirt.

Dan sighs which causes Nate to turn to me, “There's going to be a really bad heat alert on Friday. The kind that can you know...start forest fires.”

I blanch in spite of myself and exclaim horrified, “Dan! Were you going to go to the caves again?”

He grumbles and slides the top over the piano before turning around, his entire right side stays pressed flush against Nate. Some of the sweat starts to fade on his skin.

“I don't know... If Zach gets me a few barrels in my room and freezes me in my bathtub at some point it doesn't have to be a big deal. Been thinking of getting AC put in my window. This whole place is far too big and too open to do but my room....”

He shrugs and taps Nate's knee absent mindedly.

“I'll be here though. That outta count for something right?” Dan looks like he's going to say something dismissive but Nate cuts him off, “How do you feel **right now** Dan?”

Dan catches himself, looks at his arms then, absent mindedly rubs his hands against his dry chest. “Point taken.”

He nudges Nate with his body as a sort of thanks and Nate nudges him back.

 

 

\- - -

 

Serena kisses you quickly on the cheek when you are distractedly sticking food in the oven. That's her new thing, she's always loved teasing you, pushing boundaries and this - you discover - is the latest way. It's become a game she plays, gaining points with each brief moment of contact she manages to sneak by you. The difference is that in the past week she's no longer truly wanted you to respond, it's gone back to that playful comfort that lends itself to history without leaning on it fully.

She's just returned from the long trip with Carter, and mischief aside she looks beat. She must have driven part of the way, she's been asking to drive a lot more lately, says she misses being behind a wheel.

Nate appears, freshly showered and sweeps her up for a second, kissing her long and languid and you feel an arousing bit of deja vu slip over you.

“Sleepy.” She whines “Is B in bed?”

“No, reading outside, I think she's heading in soon though.”

Serena leaves then, satisfied and Nate comes to help you in the kitchen, Blair has requested her dinner in bed which is how Nate was able to inform Serena. You brush against each other often, familiar and fluid and when he wipes some sauce off your face and licks it off his thumb something snaps.

You tell him, while catching his hand at the wrist, that if he's going to set this train in motion that everyone's tickets should have all the information on them.

 

He blinks, you know he understands what you mean so you don't repeat yourself.

 “Fair enough. Why the urgency?” He hoists himself up on the island and you come over to his left, leaning on your elbows where you can see Blair stand and stretch.

'She's beginning to suspect something.' is all you say.

Blair traipses in then, looks at the two of you warmly and opens her mouth to speak but at that exact moment a klaxon begins sounding.

“What is that?” Nate asks tensely.

You tell them they will be shortly attending their first emergency meeting.

 

 


	11. Act xi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is kind of short but I don't really have a set length that I strive to achieve so much as a point at which it just feels like a good end for that particular chapter. This one is mostly flash back.

 

 

Three days later Dan and I are walking Nate and Serena out to the deck as they prepare to leave to go and see Dr. Richardson. We wish them good luck and after Serena hugs Dan, she mumbles a distracted 'See you later' at me without making eye contact.

We've been in a fight, the first one in years and years, since the meeting. Nate looks at this interaction sadly and doesn't bother to hide his dejected pout, Dan pats him on the shoulder knowingly.

Serena is going to see the other doctor at the medical building because she's been looking into getting a proper prescription for her bi-polar disorder for some time now. Nate is finally going to let the geneticist begin exploring his ability and we all thought it best for him to have one of us there to support him. So S was the natural choice since she was already going anyway.

The heat alert is supposed to be tomorrow, it's already started to warm up considerably and Dan has been eating the ice that Zach has left in a mini freezer for him regularly. I can't bother to find myself too affected by the tension in the house, as unpleasant as it is, since on the way to the meeting before everything went boom we all agreed we didn't want to stop living together.

 

\- -

 

Tuesday

The Klaxon blares steadily for about 5 minutes and then stops, Serena emerges at this point her brown hair dripping wet and pulled in a ponytail. She's only wearing a long, loose tank top that she grabbed on her way out the shower, a little bit of cheek peeks out with every step she takes.

“What was _that_?” Her fatigue is now fighting for a place on her face with visible fear, I worry this will trigger her and remind her of the raids at the vineyard.

“Emergency meeting, usually an hour after the alarm sounds... though this is kind of late if I had to be completely honest.” Dan is thoroughly distracted, deep in thought.

“Are we in danger?” She asks.

He turns the oven off quickly and walks over to her, places his hands on her biceps before sliding them down and under so he's cradling her forearms. “I've never been called down to one that didn't turn out to be something we couldn't all handle... OK?”

He pulls her in for a hug.

Knowing what this gesture means she relaxes visibly.

 

“Come on let's all eat then get dressed, and head out.” he looks at both Serena and myself at the words 'get dressed' since we are both of us, to varying degrees bottomless.

“Can I put on panties first?” She chirps at him coquettishly, enjoying it when his cheeks get pink.

“No.” Nate responds firmly, not looking at her, while grabbing plates from the cupboard by my head.

She makes a pleased little hum the same time that I do, we both love it when Nate puts on his Dom hat. He sneaks a look at me when I take the plates from him, just wanting to feel his fingers touch my own. I get two paces when he turns me around and takes the plates, thrusts them at Dan's chest who only quirks an eyebrow of interest in response before walking around us. He makes sure to let his body rub against both of us even though there is enough room, calling Serena to help him.

“You? Me. Tonight. You owe me.”

“Oh?”

“I've wanted to ravage you since Saturday remember?” He cups one side of my ass on the word 'you'.

“Fiiiine.” he laughs at my forced exasperation.

 

 

We're done dinner pretty quickly and all dressed with 10 minutes to spare, as we walk down the hill Serena intertwines our fingers and draws lazy circles in the center of my palm.

“So...” Nate's voice raises above the crickets.

“So?” Dan returns, intrigued, his expression is searching like he expects something specific to come up.

“I've been thinking... what with that home almost being done.... the one 5 minutes from the greenhouse?”

“Right.” Me and Dan say this at the same time.

“Well, I don't know if it makes sense to bring Blair so close to so many houses y'know? I mean - plus, how will I help you keep a lid on things from all the way down there?”

“Firstly, thank you for making me sound like an alcoholic,” He grins at Nate's big laugh, “And secondly, for finally admitting that Waldorf is unhinged...a menace to society.”

“Rude!!” I screech while Serena antagonizes me (Ooooohhhhhh snap!)

After the laughter subsides, Serena speaks plainly, the bravest of us all. “I don't want to move either.”

Nate pulls her to him, his elbow behind her neck while he kisses her sweetly. A silent token of appreciation for her fearlessness.

This is the last nice moment we have that night.

 

 

At the meeting, there are no children, I wonder to myself who is watching them but there aren't that many anyway. I assume one of the teens. Zach and Carter stand near the front off to the side while two of the other original settlers here, Bridget and Taylor stand on either side of a guy I've never seen before.

“Hey... that's the guy Carter and I picked up!” Serena whispers this to me, “Bishop!”

I whip my head around to level a look at Humphrey's face, he is decidedly tense, his eyes catch my movement and he sighs before walking by us. He clasps my hand in his own for a few seconds, continuing by as Nate squeezes next to me and pulls me in front him. His hand snakes around me from behind and pulls Serena flush against his side, I see a few people look fleetingly at us; trying not to get caught staring.

Dan has ended up next to Zach right as Taylor claps her hands above her head a few times, her red curls shake at the movement.

 

“Sorry for the hour of this everyone but we've only got until Monday to come up with a contingency plan for the info that Bishop has brought to us. It's been a while since he's come down to the village and I know a few of the newer arrivals don't know who he is so quickly - an introduction.”

Bishop nods in her direction before his smooth tenor floats through the room,

“Good evening every one, my name is Clark Bishop, nobody calls me Clark. I am the last of our double agent norms. Not many people are willing to fill these positions understandably and there were originally only 3 of us anyway. I have infiltrated an independent hunter group and one of the sectors in the government supplies them with all sorts of nifty **UN** approved tech.

The latest is a bio-configured pulse that is meant to debilitate only alters...”

 

A din immediately starts spreading in the room, I see Serena's hand fly to her mouth in my peripheral vision.

 

“It moves and looks like an Electro Magnetic Pulse, and yes, nobody dies from it as far as I can tell but the plan is to use this to be able to have time to weed out the alters hiding in plain sight and well... you can figure out the rest. Now I'm hoping to try to get my hand on the specs IF they're even sent over but I'm not even sure we have anyone here who has more than a basic understanding of mechanics.

'We certainly don't have time for me to learn how to do anything useful anyway. I know for a fact that I took a huge risk even coming this way because a few others will be here by the time the heatwave passes on the weekend. So any and all ideas.... now is the time.”

 

 

\- - -

 

 

You've been in Australia for 4 months and 3 days.

 

It is 10 at night. You just came back from a birthday celebration for a new girl Melody.

 

She's particularly striking, her long legs remind you of Serena with only their colour differing in appearance.

 

It is the winter season. You've actually been comfortable.

 

You return ahead of everyone, a little over socialized, craving some solitude.

 

When you sort through your meagre possessions - in search of a piece of paper that Georgina gave you with a list of numbers - a copy of **Inside** that she procured for you as a joke turns up. You clutch it in your hand and keep looking, only sitting with it once you've found the yellow lined scrap of paper.

 

An hour passes, you read some of the pages out of order.

 

You forget things like time difference, that you're a ghost, that you got this paper to call G.

 

You call Nathaniel Archibald instead.

 

He picks up, somewhat alert but sounds defeated and you feel overcome by completely, unexpected grief.

 

You say his name, your voice sounds dryer than you intended.

 

“Yeah...wh...wait... no...oh my god...”

 

A curse falls past your lips, then lamely – brokenly say you don't know what the fuck it is you're even doing right now. On the other line you hear him getting up, lots of rustling and the sound of a door closing followed by the wail... the overlapping screams of sirens.”

 

He somehow knows. This... this exchange can't be witnessed by anyone else.

 

“You're **alive**?” he sounds horrified, betrayed, disgusted and - you are selfishly happy to note -relieved.

 

 _'Barely.'_ You return, rubbing your face in the dark of your recently acquired study.

 

“We had a fucking funeral for you man! We mourned you! We're still not over it and you take 14 months to call??”

 

You break down at the hurt in his voice, the last time you cried was a month after Rory was gone. After it hit you that you'd never look into her eyes again, not even to tell her how sorry you were. He says nothing, listens to you sob brokenly for 10 minutes. This serves to cool his rage somewhat, when he speaks he even sounds a little choked up.

 

“Dan...what's going on? Why haven't you come back? Never mind - don't answer that, it's a mess here... where are you?”

 

You pour your heart out to him, he gasps when you tell him about the fire, that you are so mad that he is going through the same thing.

 

“Well actually my uh alterism....” you cut him off. Hushing him quickly, telling him your line isn't secure and he needs to be more careful. That you've said too much as is.

 

“So... what.... then... if you want to stay in Australia … why call at all?”

 

Because you owe him, you left. You guys have always had each other's backs, you tell him you don't know where you'll be next week, if you'll live until next year. You say that this is likely the last time you will speak to each other but you tell him to get paper because you are going to give him a way to get in touch with Carter Baizen's US contact.

 

He interrupts in surprise at this, “BAIZEN? Seriously!?”

 

You chuckle dryly, you cannot believe it yourself you say. “Ok I got my tablet in my hand... shoot.”

 

You dictate numbly, tell him whether you are here or not there will be a place for him. To call the number if it becomes too much. You don't see how it won't – America looks positively frightening to you whenever you manage to come across any news. You do not tell him this, instead you whisper another apology into the phone and tell him you hope things aren't too bad.

 

Nate pauses, clearly trying to think of the best way to respond and finally settles for, “ _ **We're**_ doing okay for now.”

 

 

\- - -

 

 

When I first tell Dan I love him it slips out of me.

 

Nate is dating someone new and surprise, surprise! I do not trust her. I think longingly that things were so much easier when he and Serena tried and failed to make something work between them. Even if it made me feel like a stop along the way to the last station – at least I could vouch for her quality wise. The current floozy is some bartender who reeks of money hunger and of course, Nate being part golden retriever has already dedicated himself entirely to her.

My recent attempt at breaking them up, (read: exposing her for who she really is) is a swing and a miss so I storm into the penthouse only to find Dan in my room studying. He takes one look at me and I can see him mentally trying to decide where he can scuttle off to and hide. He sits mostly quiet, gets up to help me take off my necklace and unzip my dress but offers nothing more than a few well placed monosyllabic utterances. Dorota brings me tea, and at some point I bemoan Nate deciding to take a gamble by sinking money into some “venture” this girl has been dreaming of.

“Blair, you've got to leave him to it, after all what's the big deal? You'd do the same thing for me in heartbeat.”

I huff impatiently and place my cup on the table before going to my closet to find something to change into, “Yes but that's different because I love you... this isn't the same.”

 

I realize what I've said the same time he appears in the doorway all smirky.

“So if I understand th...”

I am horrified but a grin splits my presumably red face, “Don't... stop.”

He starts walking to me and I begin backing into my walk-in, “Rude, Ms. Waldorf, as I was saying... if...”

  
“No!” I point a thin finger at him in what is the most laughable portrait of a threat. He closes the space between us, lifting me effortlessly, my hands find his shoulders as my insides flip flop when he bites his lip.

“Ahem... if I understand today's lesson, it is that it's always ok to put it all on the line; for the ones you love?”

I feel my back connect with the coolness of the wall and I whisper before kissing him, “Always.”

 

\- - -

 

Only a scant few people remain once one and half hours of discussion pass after Bishop's initial announcement. A few contingency plans are on the table, but nothing that will help you find sleep tonight you think to yourself. The one that may have the most promise is to round up as many alters as possible and have Zach seal every one in behind a wall of ice that will be obscured from sight somehow.

 

The caves you usually hide in are the leading option.

 

Taylor and Bridget are revisiting one of the crowd's suggestion of a buddy system but Bishop seems quite confident that when it comes to the homes, short of well concealed secret rooms the men coming will not leave any visible stones unturned.

 

Serena and Blair are off to the back of the room, talking quietly, Nate of course is actively involved in brainstorming.

 

You have been writing on the easel, in the corner, hoping this better helps everyone keep track of progress when all of a sudden Serena's voice raises loudly.

 

“No!” She gets up suddenly, her chair falling back at the force.

 

Blair looks over to where you all are, self-consciously, she frowns urgently at Serena who shakes her head and puts her hands up. You manage to catch slips of conversation.

 

There always is another...

What _we_ want??

Too dangerous.

Won't be talking to you

 

 

None of what Blair mumbles quietly with an unyielding expression reaches your ears but when she folds her arms and juts her chin out you feel all the hairs raise on your arm. To your right you can see Nate stand up at the exact same time, his gaze locked in on the two women, his expression is somewhere between realization and trepidation. You are operating on zero knowledge and all instinct, he looks over at you fleetingly – his jaw clenched.

 

Serena storms away, a spectre of rage.

 

The seconds that span the duration of Blair's journey over to the table feel like weeks and when she gets to the table it is as far away from you and Nate as she can manage.

 

She avoids eye contact with you both, but speaks calmly, “There's one you haven't thought of...”

 

“What is it Blair?” Zach's voice echoes from somewhere behind you.

 

“Me... use me... to absorb the pulse.”

 

Nate doesn't even bother to hide anything he feels in that moment as he comes to stand next to you.“Blair...”

 

A single word to carry fear, heartbreak and confusion.

 

Carter speaks up, his own tone tender and concerned, “B...this is a huge risk … to even suggest that....”

 

“It's not a question if it saves the ones I love.”

 

Nate's head falls in despair when she looks over at the two of you.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please see my recent tvd piece for notes regarding consistency of updates.  
> xxo


	12. Act xii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *knock knock* is anybody there?
> 
> I'm back, hopefully until this piece's conclusion but you know what they say about making plans and life and all that jazz. Lots of thanks to all guests who left kudos in my absence, any bookmarks or comments are also met with love & appreciation. I wanted to add this sooner but I'm in the midst of a very family oriented weekend of celebrations and such. I'll say the same thing here that I did over at ff; I was about a page into this chapter when January started and continued to - bit by bit - work on it but was just much too depressed to get anything decent. I then also had to battle quite a few bouts of illness (like hospital visit type stuff - ugh) and none of that made my return any quicker. I am however feeling more like myself so I've pulled myself back on the horse.
> 
> Ok this is too long as is - tldr = I was sick, sad but I am improving and writing again lol.

Half of the time when I burn out and blow up, I black out... the other half; I dream.

Fact – I've only ever exploded 4 times. I always, always feel different after – which doesn't surprise me. No one can really see what happens in my final moments, no one can get near and usually survive to tell the tale. Plus... there's the hair thing...

Surely something must cause it, and something must be well... _not the same_  when my body pulls itself back together.

It's hard for me to think linearly... I know the general order of events but when I am alone and I remember - or try to forget - things come at me in the most random ways. New York (even before the first signs of alterism) - everything that followed the final revelation that our planet only had so long left – is a mess.

I do often think though, in the most secret places, that everything started falling apart about 3 months after Chuck and I got back together for the last time.

I can never get this series of misfortunes in the right order but I can always remember it all. Dan leaving, Vanessa becoming closer to us all, Cyrus getting sick(one of the 2% with adverse reactions), the accident, Chuck's death, Vanessa being taken, Nate and I, Chuck's moral descent, Serena & I, my second incident, the raids, Serena's mental descent, my father's death, Georgina's death, death... death... death...

I some days here, now, in the Eden of second chances look at Dan...would it all still have happened if we stayed together? Is this all my fault? What about Nate? What if we never broke up? What then?

The price of closure is not one I can afford.

I try to remain calm about what awaits me next week. This is different than all the other accidental incidents that snuck up on me – this is me wading slowly into an ocean of pain.

I do not know if I will survive... but then...I also don't know if I can die anymore. At least not this way.

 

 

 

\- - -

 

**Las Vegas**

 

For your one year anniversary you decide to - as a prank - after the lovely weekend in Sardinia fly Blair to "celebrate" in Sin City. Her horror is beyond hilarious but it never really takes the train all the way to full blown anger. Probably because she is too content from 3 days of pampering in a 5 star resort built into a cliff overlooking the prettiest water either of you have ever seen. You arrange with the her dad and the pilot, an elaborate ruse involving plane trouble and 'oh no I guess we're stranded' antics which culminates in your arrival at the hotel where they've been expecting you all along and Blair's face is priceless. Harold calls, she shrilly yells into the phone around fits of laughter cum growls.

She wants so badly to be mad.  
And is so beautiful in her failure to do so.

You take her to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in town and of course all is forgiven. In fact not one to be outdone she half way through dinner insists that she is actually so much more fun than people give her credit for and presents her own idea.

"Let's go to Spectrum."

The newest hot spot on the strip, only big names go there so why wouldn't she want to add hers to the list? You squint a little at her suggestion, tell her she doesn't have to convince you of anything. That if Vegas isn't her thing that isn't necessarily something to be ashamed of. You use your fork to gesture out the window that you're seated next to as if to drive the point home. She's a timeless classic beauty in a bright, garishly novel city.

She's not meant to live up to this particular standard.

But Blair, is of course, as stubborn as the day is long and continues to insist; goading you all the while. "The press might be good, shake things up... besides... you're not afraid that I might be too much for you are you?"

You tell her with a smile, that she is frankly, always too much for you.

The car pulls up to the club a few hours later, Blair is flirtishly tipsy thanks to the champagne she opened back in the room after insisting on a change of wardrobe following dinner. You yourself decide to ditch your formal upper half in favour of a stylish blazer and Prada shirt combo.

She was quite handsy in the car but you have a strict  _no sex in limos_  rule which, when sober, she's more than content to abide by. She runs into two writers for a travel column in Rolling Stone early in the night after a few rounds of drinks they are delighted in her upbeat disposition and beg her to join them on the floor. She gives you an ecstatic squeal and bites her lip by way of an inquiry. You take her chin between your fingers and give her a kiss before whispering lowly in her ear without releasing her face.

_'Show me what you got.'_

You can almost hear her internal engine revving at the words and she smirks back before saying "You asked for it Humphrey."

Off she goes, Linda and Colt cheering alongside her, gin spills over the edge of Colt's glass but none of them seem to notice. You lean against the bar, order another glass of scotch; watching, waiting. Blair has taken out the boho braid she had in at dinner, luscious full-bodied brown waves float around her face and shoulders. Her purple pout matches the sparkly, tight, plum coloured bodycon dress you watched her slide into back in the room.

You smile at the small yet intricately ornate band on her middle finger, your anniversary gift to her. Her hands go through her hair often, it falls into her face, sticks to her neck, light bounces off her skin thanks not only to a fine sheen of sweat but also shimmery lotion she sometimes indulges in. She, Linda & Colt (who you're pretty sure are either fucking each other or have at some point) engage in some truly dirty dancing while she keeps her eyes on you.

She a few times raises a brow and throws a finger curl your way but each time you decline and tip your glass to her. DJs switch within an hour and the few stragglers who have previously been sharing residence with you at the bar are all now on the floor save one girl. She strikes up an idle, brief conversation with you before sitting on a stool and chatting with one of the three bartenders. It is shortly after this you catch sight of Blair, dancing by herself while Linda's arms are locked around Colt's neck.

She begins a slow trek toward you just as the girl from earlier places her hand on your forearm to ask you once again for the name of the restaurant you visited. Blair's eyes narrow while taking note of this interaction and stops walking for a second, she is rarely ever jealous with you and it's a thrill to see her calculating her next move. The girl continues her conversation with the bartender and though this somewhat seems to throw water on her flame she begins walking your way once again and you brace yourself for whatever is coming.

The song changes smoothly to something thick with bass and dirty words just as she stops in front you.

"Good show Daniel?"

You coyly inform her that you have no complaints and take in her face, she's not wasted but definitely not sober anymore. You ask her what the next act has in store and she rises to meet your bluff and then some.

Blair Waldorf swiftly cups you in her hand through your pants and you choke even though you're not drinking anything.

You manage to take her hand in your own, placing your glass down as she closes the space between you pressing her hot tequila lips to yours. The expensive cotton of your shirt does nothing to prevent the feel of her breasts against your chest, she places one of your thighs between her legs ignoring her dress as it rises. Your free hand comes down to her thigh and squeezes right as she pulls her mouth away, her eyes strip away all of you but you are helpless to look anywhere else.

She begins a slow, rough, grind against your crotch, her hips do a murderous 360 rotation between a steady alternation of grinding and body rolls. You forget things like decency and decorum and both your hands eventually find their way on either cheek of her ass. You can feel her nails make their way under your shirt after freeing it from your waistband, shuddering as they rake themselves over the small of your back.

Just as you are about to break and beg to go back to the room you feel the length of her body disappear for a second before she turns and faces away from you. Your groan is lost in the heat of the club, music swallowing it up immediately. Blair is not about mercy tonight, after a few seconds of her leaning into the hardness of you she begins to bend over. Your bottom lip feels raw from being trapped between your teeth and both your arms brace on the bar behind you as you feel her pert, perfect ass push back against you intimately and steadily.

You are dimly aware of flashes going off but nothing is enough motivation to pull the woman in front of you up or off. She straightens her back slightly though she isn't upright and begins to  **slide**  her ass up and down against your cock and your eyes actually roll.

That's it.

You reach your arm around, place it on her stomach, just below her breasts and crash her back against your chest and whisper two words in her ear;  **Room**  and  **Now**.

- 

She touches you through your pants in the limo, takes your fingers in her mouth, takes her underwear off in the elevator, shoves you roughly against the door when it falls shut and rips the button off your pants.

Just for starters...

You slip her breasts out the deep v of her dress easily, push the hem up and fall to your knees because you can't wait until you are in bed to taste her. Her fingers bury themselves in your hair and tug, firm but not at all painful. You've perfected the art of eating Blair Waldorf and inside of only 5 minutes she hitches one of her legs over your shoulder while the other one trembles. Her heel digs into your back as she pants your name out in a chant.

She releases your hair after her orgasm washes over her and you know well enough to cease your administrations so that she can recover. You lean back on your feet and barely manage to shrug your blazer off when her heel connects with your shoulder and knocks you back onto your back.

Note to self, tequila makes her bossy and aggressive.

She steps out her dress and right as her hands reach for the strap around her ankles you say firmly from your place on your back to leave them.

She straddles you and mutters about rug burn on her knees while fumbling with your already unbuckled belt which leads to you flipping your positions with lightning speed. Her heels scrape ever so slightly down the backs of your thighs as she pushes your pants down before snarkily informing you that back burn isn't all that much better and your response is a gruff 'shut up'

Not missing a beat while you free one of your legs for better movement she quips, "Make me."

You shove into her sudden yet smooth and she gasps deliriously as you try and mask your smugness. But Blair Waldorf will not let you have your moment... no surprises there.

"You'd think you'd put that somewhere else if you were trying to..." But she's cut off first by your tongue on hers and secondly by the moan that slips from her chest when you resume thrusting.

You eventually, much later, make it to the bed.

 

 

\- - -

 

 

When Dan comes to tell me that Serena and Nate will still be a little while and that he's almost done supper he finds me unpacking in our room. He trails off mid sentence, clearly trying to decipher how he feels, or maybe just if to say it.

I spare him and shrug my shoulders. "It's not like we're moving anymore."

He walks in further, "Yup, you're right. Don't wait for those two to come back to eat alright? I haven't seen you put anything that isn't in a cup to your face all day."

"Okay Dad."

I expect to hear his laugh and when I look over he is looking at my very small jewellery collection. He reaches in slowly and pulls out the ring he got me years ago, now attached to a chain. I bite my lip, suddenly overcome with trembling nerves, he turns it over in his fingers – silent. After he places it on the surface of the dresser I hold my breath as he walks over and places a kiss on the very corner of my lip, burning and fleeting but clear.

"Don't wait too long to eat Blair." and he leaves the room.

\- -

 

Dinner is... Tense.

Why wouldn't it be with so much for us to  **not**  talk about? Our exchange in the room, Nate's appointment, the impending heat warning for tomorrow and what it means for Dan, and of course - my date with doom and destiny come Monday. Across the room the walkie beeps before I hear Zach's voice crackle into the air.

"One second" Dan intones though we're not really doing much talking that he needs to apologize for the interruption.

I zone out staring at his spoon slip slowly further into his bowl of ice cold gazpacho, he's made the rest of us a delicious casserole that makes me recall Rufus on my first nibble. His father, wherever he is,  _if_  he is – would be proud. When he sits back down, he is still for a moment, his hands and jaw tight as he stares at the table cloth not noticing me. He shakes his head and reaches for his spoon then remembers I am there, our eyes lock and I wait calmly.

He sighs, "Zach wanted to come at midnight and set up the room for me but he and Bishop are out doing surveillance and scouting. He wanted to make sure I was ok and if Nate is going to be here tonight."

I nod and take a sip of my wine, "You'll be taken care of."

I don't look to see his expression, I continue my meal with my face down, the sensation of his eyes all over me.


	13. Act xiii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The summer is f l y i n g by.  
> GOD - guyz... this chapter has been sitting in my OO Writer for like well over a fortnight now but I have been working non-stop and just beat. I need a vacation lol - time to be alone and just unwind and write write write! wishful thinking. Anyway, thanks as always for the love, reviews etc. Typos? Probably - no beta.

 

Nate is deep in thought when he and Serena arrive, disengaged and almost entirely silent. It is a strange enough occurrence to get Serena to forget that she's pissed as shit at me. Dan & I exchange glances about 2 minutes into their return and he walks over to the liquor cabinet when Serena grabs me by the elbow and tugs me out of the room.

 She pulls me well into the yard, to the beginning of the hill that leads to everyone's homes. “He's said no more than two words at a time to me the entire walk up.” her face is distressed, she tugs on the end of her ponytail that is braided. A nervous habit.

 I look back at the house, and sigh. “He'll tell us when he's ready, and not a moment before S. It can't be bad or he would tell us immediately – you know that. He's probably just processing is all.”

 Relief follows realization then for Serena, she has a tendency to jump to the worst case scenario when she least needs to. She smiles a small grateful smile at me.

 “What about _your_ appointment S? Do you have a follow up?”

 She reaches into one of the pouches on her waist holster which she favours, instead of a bag since we've moved here, and hands me two bottles of pills. I read over the small script while she lights up a cigarette and I forgo the urge to comment on how incompatible that habit is with prescriptions.

 “Two weeks. You can come with me provided you're still alive.” the malice in her words is almost lost in her nonchalant tones but, I hear it.

 I take her free hand and press them into it, “With bells on.”

 She snorts and turns her head away, smoke sails past her lips and I can see her debating whether to say what she is about to “I know you feel like you have to do this, and I'm not sure why or if I'd agree if I did...but I just need time to deal.”

 “I know... but ... time, it's the one thing we don't have a lot of.”

 “I know.” she tosses her cigarette down and steps on it, “I uh, gotta do watchtower duty tonight... we'll talk tomorrow?”

 I give her a peck on the cheek despite the stench of nicotine and pull her close. She knows I'll be waiting.

 

 

\- - -

 

 

15 solid minutes of silence pass in the living room after you pour the first drinks, Nate clinks his glass to yours, his eyes staring out at the trees beyond the deck. You hear the girls come in quietly, turn your head and see them disappear around the corner, Serena has a tight grip on Blair.

 You relax at the sight, unaware until this moment how wrapped up in this, for lack of a better word; relationship you are now. There is, you suppose, no turning back.

 Nate doesn't see this interaction and right as you are about to use it to cheer him up he reaches out to the coffee table where his tab is sitting. The two of you have responded to the decline of all things in entirely different ways. Nate's tablet is an impressive, secure, lifeline which he has alluded to an old contact in New York setting up for him. After some time looking through it you come to realise that he must have picked up a thing or two on his own because it is up to date in more ways than one software wise.

 Elsewhere - you cling to old things, dinosaurs that you unearth slowly even as the inevitable end comes closer. Books, the ancient piano in your study, pens are almost as high a commodity to you as pencils – both of which supersede money in your humble opinion. Where Nate's tab contains thousand of digital memories and moments, you've got an old camera or two collecting dust in your room.

 

Ok and maybe one vintage dslr - getting film developed isn't exactly easy anymore.

 Nate asks you as an opener how much you know about the alterism process.

 You are taken back to your brief days in the Philippines, paranoid, sunburnt and lots of research on public computers after realizing you were one of many with the new found affliction. You tell him it was probably about half a year ago that you got your hands on any recent publications. His eyebrows raise at this, and he tells you they stopped allowing info to be shared in the US 2 years ago.

 

You don't feel even a little surprised.

 He pulls up his email and hands it to you, it's a resource list of articles from the doctor, the last one is an attachment. He tells you to open it, he pauses, a frown marring his aristocratic features.

 “He says this was theoretical until his daughter presented, I can't tell if he's upset about her life being in danger or thrilled that he was right.”

 You can't think of a comment to bring him comfort so you top up his glass before reading. Doctor Richardson's theory.... well it's now fact isn't it? Is that alterism is all about potential meeting genetics. Essentially, there are many among the population who are dormant alters, the ability will only become activated if the individual gets a flu.

 This must be some sort of bad joke, a dream that you are about to wake up from. You reach the end, staring, slack jawed, itching for a cigarette, wishing so badly you could still get drunk.

 “Dan.” You look over at Nate, “Did you get sick just before presenting?”

 His face tells you he doesn't the answer to be yes, unfortunately the expression you cast his way says just that non verbally. He downs the remaining contents of his glass in one swallow.

 

 

\- - -

 

 

We get into the room and Serena is a blur of activity, “Oh shit I'm gonna be late, I still have to shower!”

She starts sticking things in an actual bag, which I guess means it's an overnight shift. I stand there wondering why she pulled me in here with her but am too pleased that she isn't mad anymore so I wait.

She takes well over a minute before it hits her - “B? You started unpacking?”

I shake my head in a way that says _'yeah, as opposed to what?'_ and she stands still for a few seconds, gracing me with one of her soft, warm smiles. She looks like her mother despite the brown hair.

“I can't wait to help when I get back tomorrow.”

 She slips the straps off her romper quickly and goes into our bathroom and I hear the water start up as I start to walk over to the empty bed when her voice bounces off the tiles. “Aren't you coming?”

 

Her head sticks out as steam billows behind her, is she really about to take a hot shower in this weather? She must see my expression because she adds hurriedly that she'll make it cooler for me.

“Ok then, I guess I do feel sticky from sorting through boxes all evening.”

“So it's settled, I'll cool you down and you can keep me warm.” She smiles down at me as her arms wrap around my shoulders and for a moment I feel like we're back in Manhattan and everything is fine, we're going to get dresses for an opening, or even just frozen yogurt.

For a moment, I manage to forget.

 

\- -

 

When I walk out all of two minutes after Serena, alike in my appearance Nate stops whatever he is mumbling to Humphrey immediately, shadows fly from the middle of his face outwards until he's nothing but a calm smile. Humphrey leans back, smiling and taking it in, I guess he saw us sneak in earlier and Nate didn't. I ask imperiously whether Nate has eaten and he flashes me his trademark crooked smile before slapping one of his own wrists lightly.

“I'll get a plate for you, Blair do you want something sweet to have? Tea?”

I consider for a few seconds and he stops when he's next to me, an eyebrow raised as he holds back a laugh so I say simply, “Yes.”

“Alright both it is.”

Nate raises to meet me when I step down into the living room, his eyes sweep over my flushed cheeks and damp hair appreciatively before he reaches out a hand and rubs his thumb over the hollow of my throat while pecking my lips repeatedly, quickly and feather soft.

“Shower?” I know what he's asking and I tease by feigning otherwise until Dan appears with a plate of food on his hand.

Steam rises from it even as the microwave in the kitchen remains as silent as it has been for hours. I pull Nate with me to the table and reclaim my earlier seat noticing I still have some food left so I nibble while he tucks in. It's obvious he wasn't aware how hungry he was until he sat down. His napkin makes frequent trips to his pink lips and by the time my cup of ginger raspberry tea and slice of pie arrive - he's halfway through and taking his first real pause.

“Hungry?” Dan asks this while casually tracing his finger around the rim of my glass mug and I look on fascinated as the tea begins to steep right before my eyes.

“Man I didn't even know until now, this is sooo good!”

I murmur my agreement and smile softly when his brown eyes find mine, “Noted.” is all he says before leaving to get himself something from the liquor cabinet.

 

The tea is blood red.

 

The next hour unfolds with Nate sharing some of what's going on his head, with each new story Dan begins to get first, slicker then, he sheds his tee, then gets a cold wet towel and tosses it over his shoulders. He refuses to stop listening and observing Nate throughout the unavoidable fact that well...

The heatwave is upon us.

“He said that long term he's got a few ideas, that he could potentially make a vaccine that allows for other alters to suppress their abilities though he thinks permanently would be a stretch.”

Both Dan and I go still at this, nobody speaks until Nate clears his throat, “Yeah I figured you guys would feel that way... he also says I should try to develop my ability to extend outside myself.”

“Meaning what exactly?” Dan inquires.

“Um.... like how I can mute you guys, perhaps extending it to your abilities or their effects directly... so like I guess Blair's flames... that sorta thing? He didn't spend a lot of time talking about that part.”

We all go quiet, each contemplating all that we've talked about for the day, be it together or apart. A few minutes of a calm silence slips away when Nate suddenly looks over at Dan and taps a button on his tab.

“Dude? Where the fuck is Zach?”

 

 

\- - -

 

 

**Brooklyn**

 

 

It's a Tuesday.

 

I'm standing at the door fidgeting in silence, I wait irritably for Serena to be done with whatever she is doing in the bathroom. I'm standing here wondering which is worse, a funeral with a body or one without. I won't tell any one, but I'm also wondering for the first time which one I hate more.

Dan... Daniel Humphrey, is _dead_. He has been for a while and we can't be certain for how long since the news took sometime to reach us. Jenny and his mother went into hiding a few months after he left, when all hell broke loose. Rufus, for their safety as well as his own doesn't know how to reach them, he is alone, Lily is also hiding in Europe so Serena and Vanessa have stepped in to support him.

They tell me he died in a fire at a hostel somewhere in south east Asia... Chuck has been out of state for a few weeks, trading and meeting up with people I have no desire to know details about. He's also involved in some sort of guerilla movement from what I can tell, though mainly it seems to play the role of supplier or dealer. We have been talking less and less because he seems to be doing more and more that I don't want to hear about.

When I call to tell him, he half-heartedly gives me something akin to condolences and says he will try to be back soon. Flowers arrive for me to take the day of, with a name I don't know - an alias.

This feels too much like some kind of metaphor that I try desperately to ignore.

I hear keys turn in the door behind me and Nate appears, we still only have 2 locks, energies run tense but not all that frightening yet. Or maybe, we aren't truly frightened because as of now only Vanessa and Chuck are alters. Nate and I count ourselves to be lucky like the still blonde Serena.

 

Time hurts every bit as much as it heals.

 

Nate is of course impeccable, shades of black and gun metal, Vanessa is nowhere to be seen; she must be meeting us there. He ran out to get food for us to take to the very small wake that's taking place after, I'm not sure where. He points at the large arrangement in my arms questioningly.

“What are those? Who are they from? Is Serena **still** not ready?”

“Flowers. Chuck. Yes.”

He sizes me up, equally as morose as I am (maybe even more I consider briefly) in that moment.

“Good ole Chuck, always going that extra mile. Feel free to drop the attitude just for today B.”

“Are you going to drop the facade you're putting on for Vanessa's benefit? Because I assure you this whole 'I'm so crushed and worn out.' look is old.”

I turn my head when I hear a commotion coming from the bathroom and miss Nate's look of shock, “You think I'm doing this for Vanessa???”

I start walking towards the noise and pause to spare him a glance, he's very upset, “Why else would you be?”

“Maybe, because in more ways than one, at different points, whether we like to admit it or not; Dan Humphrey was the best thing that ever happened to any one of us – when we needed it most.”

I open and close my mouth a few times, fighting back a wave of emotions that makes my neck feel tight.

“Whatever, I'm going downstairs to start the car. Tell Serena to get her shit together.”

When I find Serena on the other side of the door, I panic for a second and think that it's a crime scene. There looks to be dried blood everywhere but when she steps out from behind the door I realize it's hair dye.

 

Serena is a brunette.

She reaches for the blow-dryer and starts to plug it in. “S... no.”

Her bloodshot eyes stop me in my tracks, “Wear it up okay?”

I want to say, _because we're going to be late, because Nate won't wait for much longer, because Dan can't even_ _**see** _ _it_. But instead I point to my own demure, brown French twist as if to say... it looks better this way...this is how us brunettes do it...

 

We arrive 5 minutes late, Serena's severe chromatic bun in tow.

 

 

\- - -

 

 

You are standing with your palms pressed against the wall, cold water beating down on your back, trying to ignore the subtle indentation in the tiles from many nights spent exactly this way. You're jolted from your thoughts when Nate's low voice echoes around the sound of the shower.

 “Hey man, Blair and I are gonna do shifts until Z gets here ok? She's freezing some water right now and I'm gonna go take a nap 'cause we figure you'll be worse as the night wears on and need me then.”

 Your lids are heavy with relief filled gratitude, affection is thick in your verbal thank you and you can even hear the smile on Nate's response, “It's how it is Dan, we all got each other's back.”

 

-

 

You're nude under your sheets, on your stomach as your head spins and sweat soaks your mattress. You estimate about one more hour until the fever and delirium kicks in and you go unconscious. Just as you are reconsidering Antarctica you feel immense alleviation in the very center of your back that manages to startle you.

 “Sshhhh” It's Blair, she's placed one of the already frozen ceramic jars of water between your shoulder blades.

 You manage a groan, and she pushes some of your hair off your forehead before sticking ice cubes in your mouth.

 They melt half way down your throat.

 When she slides in next to you, on top the sheets you muster enough strength to protest. She lights up one of her hands silently for a second inches from your face before reaching out and rubbing your cheek, she's warm, she's safe – at least for now.

 

“Close your eyes Daniel.” Is all she says

 

\- -

 

A slow twang of instruments play... as if on repeat. It fills everything in this moment, while taking you back to the end of the first decade of this century. You are reminded of lazy days at the loft, playing Helios on the speakers while Blair snoozes pressed into your back.

 

Blair.

 

Is that what is in your arms? Yes. The music plays on and you feel yourself swell with heat. Her lids are sealed, as if with glue, while the panic builds steadily in you. You want to release her but you are paralysed, what is happening? Her soft breath ignites the flame of terror, literally, she is on fire...dreaming...and you are burning her.

 

Nate.

 

You need Nate, he always knows how to fix everyone's messes but his own, the irony of it is quite tiresome actually. The golden boy, Prince Midas... where is he now? Why is he not saving the girl you both love so?

 

Why is he not saving you?

 

\- -

 

The hotter you get when you're not in control, the harder it is to breathe. It's like all the oxygen gets burnt before you can make full use of it... sometimes, you just wish you'd die...burn out for good if only never to feel this way again.

 That's why Zach always goes straight for your chest, people probably think it's your heart he's reaching for...but it's always your lungs. And it always feels like you've broken the surface of a deep, dark, cold lake. You gasp like it's the first breath, and in some ways it feels like a rebirth every single time.

 Your first breath.

 

This time, is no different – you gasp greedily, hysterically crying out for Nate to stop the blaze that surrounds Blair.

 Except....

 

There's water? Everywhere? Nate is as soaked as you seem to be, one of your legs hangs over the side of the tub as water from the shower rains down on the two of you.

 “Jesus! Dan, she's safe, she's asleep you were dreaming... she's ok... you're ok... I'm here... man... I'm here.”

 It was a dream.

 You almost lose it, only deep heaving breaths keep you together in one moment to the next. You notice singe marks on Nate's shirt...you try to summon energy to broach the topic but you almost feel your mind shut down again. So instead, you trace a finger over the one you can reach, he takes your hand, shakes his head with a smile. It is out of place and is both placid and pride filled, he switches the water to a near trickle then.

 “I got this.” an echo, a relic from the night outside the caves. “I got you.”

 And he leans down and ghost his lips on the right side of your chin, almost asking permission. Your list of options is decidedly concise – so – you turn to the right and kiss Nate Archibald for the first time this decade.

 

Not that you were keeping track.

 It's chaste, slow, but if you weren't currently delirious you'd say it was familiar. Right as you feel his tongue run over your bottom lip you hear above the sound of the water trickling something akin to a dove gasping. Nate's blue eyes flutter open and look above your head and his teeth bite his lip.

 

“Hi Blair.”

 


	14. Act  xiv

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here is where I put the corny/nerdy/blasphemous joke about me choosing today for my quasi-comeback on account of easter... only I'll do it in shorthand so; Resurrection, Rising, Jesus, Helium, Me.
> 
> [[No really, life etc as always gets in the way - you guys know the drill. Thank you so much for still supporting and not giving up on me]]

The summer of Don Draper is such a success (maybe not where women are concerned but certainly where bros before hos is) that you and Nate make a tradition of a spring break trip every year before you leave New York for good. Serena thinks it is cute, Chuck has significantly more colourful (shade: green) descriptors and Blair breezily refers to it as 'getting your groove back'.

 

You have yet to make it to Jamaica.

 

You take turns choosing the destination and this year Nate - after calling you stuffy for choosing Napa Valley the year before - has insisted on _Philly,_ which is hosting some sporting event that year that you know next to nothing of. But... the city is more lively for it so you withhold most of your comments. You're there for just inside a week total and on the 3 rd night you're both too wiped to venture further than the pub that is adjoined to the hotel. Keeping in the theme of superficial solidarity, there is some sort of triva/game competition in the style of Pyramid and ...wow all these teams suck. Nate openly takes a drag on a blunt, sunglasses on his tousled hair since 5pm until this very moment but he manages to look more together than you in your plain white tee, glasses, 8 o clock shadow and dark, dirty denim.

 

“Dude.” Nate exclaims after one particularly long exhale, “these guys suck! We could easily win this!”

 

You remind Nate that you a) know nothing of the teams in question and that b) the last thing they should be giving to an upper-east-sider is the latest apple tablet.

 

He looks sideways at you and rolls his eyes before letting you have it, “Thirdly, the questions aren't sports related. Fourthly, **Dan Humphrey** , you live in a two level penthouse suite in Manhattan... at this point you're just shy of doing the poor little rich boy thing and quite frankly ...it's a little embarrassing. ”

 

You grab at an imaginary stab to the chest, and laugh through a pained expression, this is the side of Nate that so few people get to see. He's too busy letting them underrate everything other than his looks and family background. You dryly tell him that you can ignore the massive chip on your shoulder to feed his problematic competitive streak if only for one night and he grins a grin so wide his eyes almost disappear.

 

 

\- -

 

ok...so...you're winning?

 

You're actually winning.

 

Against, a married couple, a pair of twins and newly _engaged-that-night-on-the-jumbotron_ Sam and Chris. You're not drunk enough to avoid overthinking the entire scenario to death and Nate is so stoned, you don't know if he's even thinking **at all** or better yet how he's even managing to be the other half of the unbeatable duo that you've morphed into. He's flirting with one of the twins (of course he is) undeterred by the fact that she's a lesbian, something that seems to be minor details to her as well and flipping the card over and over in his hand wasting time on purpose. Finally he leans over take a sip of his cider and clears his throat before laying his laughing eyes on you,

 

“Vanessa's fall French fling, Blair's disdain for you and my parents' marriage.” The comment about Blair throws you for a very confused loop and you see him panic that he may have overestimated this time around and you manage to respond (in a question) 'Things that are fake'

 

The married couple is surprisingly the sourest of grapes, Sam and Chris who really do not seem at all invested in the game cheer and the twins both high five Nate and you look blankly at the iPad that the bartender has just placed in your hand.

 

Huh?

 

\- -

 

Your dinner is on the house, your drink of choice is coffee … ok vodka and coffee which you never really understood as a thing until recently and Nate is trying to rally you to go back with the twins to their floor. You decline on account of incest and all that jazz but he tells you to get your mind out the gutter before trailing after them. When you return to the room a few hours later, there's a loud voicemail from Nate, telling you that you're missing a hell of a floor party up on 50 and your cheeks go a little red when you think about the fact that well... yeah... you kind of assumed he was off in pursuit of yet another threesome.

 

So you place the unopened iPad box on Nate's desk and place your tortoiseshell glasses down on your own before heading to the elevator. The frames are relatively new but still give you somewhat of a headache but everyone's got nothing but compliments for your attempt at finally ditching the contacts.

 

Well almost everyone, Blair levels you with a dead gaze the first time she sees them; “those make you look more homoerotic than usual by the way.”

 

“What I was going for...” is all you deadpan back without looking up from your phone.

 

 

The sound starts to boom from the 48th floor and you're surprised that this riot masquerading as a party hasn't been broken up yet. But then you take a closer look at the crowd, They all seem to be athletes of some kind, the twins from earlier (who turn out to be professional cheerleaders) call your name at the same time, the straighter of the two giving you a lingering look.

 

Nate is chilling in a room that seems to be filled with graduate studying lacrosse players hooting over glasses of whiskey. He never fails to put you into situations that gift you with tons of opportunity for character study. He looks ready to call you in but with his arm mid air, he takes a quick glance at the crowd and hops off the stool he's sitting on instead.

 

“You made it!” he throws an arm around your neck and presses his almost empty glass briefly to your sternum in some sort of _cheers adjacent_ motion.

The next two hours are just good old fashioned fun and you are glad you pulled your head out of your own ass to join in. Nate drags you out on to the balcony of one of the empty rooms, it's tenant no doubt down the hall, to share his joint. It's cold, but the heat from inside the room, and the liquor buzzing through your system add some sort of counter balance. Your hands though - still remain stuffed in your pockets when they're not being used.

Nate mentions some sort of event he has to escort Serena to since Mark (her latest suitor) is out of town and this triggers your memory, you ask him about the earlier comment about Blair.

He smirks at you then, “was wondering when this was going to come up...”

You want to pummel the smirk off his face but ultimately go with dismissal, telling him that just because you and Blair have settled into a happy truce and take a lot of the same classes at NYU does not mean that you're best friends or that she even likes you.

Nate blows smoke into your face then, “It is just as hilarious to me that you say that - almost to keep yourself in check - as it is that Blair openly gives you such a hard time when everyone knows that's her TRADEMARK for the people she cares about. I guess she figures people will think you're the exception to the rule... and they probably do.”

You shake your head a few times, tell him no, snatch the joint and stare out at the city lights.

 

“What is the hardest part of this to believe dude?” the calm in his voice only serves to further ruffle your feathers.

You don't answer, and he sighs, “You're more than enough Dan... you need to remind yourself that from time to time.”

The next drag you take hits you like a ton of bricks, and Nate's already glassy eyes see your slight sway before he grabs your collar and pulls you back against the wall next to him. “Move away from that balcony, I don't want to have to tell everyone I let you fall off 50 stories from smoking my strong batch.”

You stumble once more, half onto him, half into the wall and he flicks what's left of the joint over the rail and takes one of your arms over his shoulder, “Room?”

“Room.” You mumble glumly and somewhat embarrassed.

As you walk down the hall he says, “Hey, She has no idea that I've said anything to you or that I even notice... you can just as easily do nothing with this information yunno?”

 

You reach out and tap the button and nod, he's right of course, before you realise it your next words come charging out of you  _'wait... did you tell me **so** I would do something with the information?'_

He considers this, you step on to the elevator and he hits your floor before releasing a tired breath, “Um... no... honestly.” a frown falls on his face and you nudge lightly, “I uh... wasn't really planning to say **anything** to _either_ of you because I couldn't stand the thought of losing you to each other...”

 

His words take weight and you shock him (not to mention yourself) by reaching out and hitting the emergency stop button. A grimace is briefly present on your face when the elevator car squeals against the sudden strain. His cheeks go a deep red and he gasps at the abruptness of your action and the intensity of your glare, you don't know if you're mad, horrified, scared or... or...turned on. Your arm falls from his shoulder and you brace against the ornamental railing trying to gather your wits – while not touching him - when he stands in front of you.

“Jesus....I'm sorry Dan...”

You ask him if he's apologizing for saying something or wanting to say nothing, he looks at your mouth a few times and you wonder to yourself, _what the fuck is in this weed_??

“For everything.” he says this forlornly and puts his hand on your shoulder just shy of your neck. Nate Archibald, wears sorrow like a custom made Italian suit... he looks prettiest sometimes when he stares at his feet, and the sound of his heartbreak fills your ears.

This is what you will later blame for your poorly thought out decision to lean in and press a soft yet heavy kiss on his lips. He jumps at first, pulls back a little bit to take in your face, reading you... he seems at war in those ever so long 3 seconds.

“Dan...we're not sober...” he breaths this over your mouth and licks his lips, you nod not able to talk.

“Have you ever done anything like this?” You think about making a joke as to whether he means making out in an elevator or kissing another guy but just shake your head no.

“Me neither, shit.” he steps back, all the way from you and roughly runs his hands over the back of his head where the hair is still very low and then a beat passes, “Fuck it.”

He grabs your face and kisses you in earnest, his skill level speaks of someone who has done this for a long time and you wonder how old he was when he had his first kiss. It is an intriguing difference for you to feel a firm body against your own, no breasts softly breaking on the shores of your chest. Then there's the fact that you line up almost perfectly, his belt buckle presses against your lower abdomen, such an innocuous thing somehow is so arousing in it's novelty.

He leans back, his blue eyes almost gone behind his dilated pupils and makes an adorable face, “Well I get why girls always complain about stubble now.”

Your head spins a little as you laugh and you lift a finger and trace the blooming redness around his swollen lips. He takes a step towards you and takes just three fingers and nudges you back against the wall, your lids get heavy and he surprises you by leaning in and hitting the stop button.

 

His voice rumbles low in your ear, as the elevator hums back to life, “we probably should get back to our suite...”

 

And now...well you're panicked.

Did you start this? Yes.

But do you know what you're doing? Fuck no...

where is this leading? You have no idea...

 

What have you done?

 

Nate stands so close to you the rest of the slow ride down you can feel him breathe, when the door opens he strolls forward but you remain frozen. His hand shoots out and stops the door at the last second and he sticks a finger in your belt loop before pulling you out.

“Hey.” He slaps your cheek lightly, “Do NOT do that thing where you overthink this to death.”

 

Your room is directly adjacent to the elevator, something you were not pleased about early yesterday morning when drunken party-goers came bursting through at four in the morning. You're in front the door now, thankful instead of peeved, and he takes his key and waves it in front the sensor then pushes you in ahead of him. You awkwardly plant yourself in the center of the room observing as he moves around you, washes his hands, grabs two glasses from the counter in the kitchenette and two bottles of water from the fridge. His last act before calmly saying your name is to crack the window in the living area, you stand there, fidgeting mutely deciding to instead take in your room. For all his comments of how stuffy the trip to Napa was, he has left very few of his comforts behind in NY, the suite you're staying in is far from modest.

 

“What's freaking you out dude? Other than the weed – sorry about that by the way – Chuck got this for me, it may have like LSD or something in it.” He rubs the bridge of his nose at the last part of this statement, as if realizing how bad of an idea it was to smoke that stuff tonight.

 

You cautiously sit in the arm chair opposite him, and clench and un-clench your hands, your mouth feels dry and your head still feels like bees have taken up residence in your ear canals. You ask him, what he thinks this means if neither of you have done anything like this before...

 

The unspoken words thunder in the room.

Are we gay?

 

Inside your head you note that you're not scared because you think anything is wrong with being gay, you have lots of friends; guys and girls that are homosexuals but … what really scares you is the notion that you would have possibly managed to not know this HUGE thing about yourself all these years. Nate is quiet for a long time, he cracks one of the bottles and pours some in a glass, he almost seems to be doing things in the name of keeping his hands busy but you say nothing.

 

“You ever want to kiss another guy?”

 

The question, is so simple, so obvious, how did you not ask yourself this? You in that moment know for certain you are _tripping balls_ and Nate is just handling it better since he's more experienced with recreational drug use. You just wasted a solid 20 minutes in a silly panic spiral.

 

Your sheepish answer is … No. no you haven't.

“Ever find another guy like...idunno intensely sexy or something?”

Nope not that either.

“Never got aroused at the gym?” He asks this last one with a smarmy grin, sensing a pattern.

You tell him you've never even looked at another guy at the gym.

He sips some water and says calmly, “Me neither.”

 

You say, maybe it's the weed, that Chuck probably purposefully put whatever in there to laugh at the outcome.

“I wouldn't put it past him, two things though.” You nod signalling him to continue, “ONE - I'm not telling Chuck shit... and TWO?”

 

You wait.

 

He takes a long, slow even breath and bites the inside corner of his lip, considering whether to say his next words out loud, “If it is just the weed... then how do we explain the fact that we just see each other differently than any other guy we know...when we're sober.”

 

You sit, with your mouth hanging ever so slightly open, dumbly.

 

“Dan... we're got a very... unique relationship. You're a **real** friend I'd take a bullet for, I know we both admit how much we envy each other...but isn't there are part of that is based on...idunno... really strong adoration? And while I'm just letting it all hang out... I know how we look at each _other_... It's not constant, or the same way we look at women, but we do notice each other.”

Your entire face, all the way down to your neck gets hot, you can only imagine the flush that floods your face. Nate's eyes sweep over you, and his voice gets softer, soothing.

“Maybe... this isn't about gender.”

He gets up and walks over to the couch, having decided he is done with this conversation for now and flips the tv on casually. You turn and watch him get comfortable, one leg is on the couch but not stretched out and he reclines against the corner of the arm his other foot on the the floor. After a few minutes of looking at the bluish purple hues bathe his features you reach for your bottle take a long cold pull and then walk over to him.

At first he barely spares you a glance, his eyes glued to some scantily clad women walking down a runway, but after a double take he senses a shift in your energy and he waits. You briefly think you must look really stoned if he's giving you such a wide berth so you take another sip and sit down leaving no space between the two of you.

 

Maybe you say, and he repeats the word softly. “Maybe.”

You lean over and he turns his chin to you at the last moment, this kiss is tentative, short, when you pull apart he whispers, “It's not the weed.”

You tell him, you don't think it is either.

 

 

 

Some 35 hrs later, Nate gets a call from Blair, there is some emergency and she refuses to say just what over the phone. All she will say is that the two of you need to get in whatever **'hideous rental he's let you choose and come back to Manhattan at once.'** Currently you're out to dinner and were planning to go to some party that the twins got you into but now that doesn't look very likely. Nate seems quite content to drag his feet while you still have a healthy fear of Blair Waldorf.

 

He says he's learned over the years how to read the urgency in her tone and so long as this isn't _Georgina Sparks alert or Serena is overdosing again_ shrill he'll get there when he gets there. Elsewhere you are flooding with anxiety, no real conversation has been had after the other night and nothing really happened after the kiss on the couch. All the years of weed have made Nate obnoxiously chilled out about everything you note, this new development is no exception.

“Let's finish dinner and at least hit up the event not to be rude and if we duck out early then I say it's a decent compromise”

You shrug in agreement and start fishing for your glasses case in your satchel. There's a television on the other side of the room you want to see clearly and Nate stares at you openly when your glasses slide into place. When you go to take them off he says calmly with no invitation for debate, “Leave them.”

You lick your lips nervously and stammer a self-deprecating joke about Blair being horrified if she knew he liked your frames.

“Dude, the only reason B hates your frames is because she's bothered by how hot you look in them, and that she even notices.”

 

 

The waiter arrives then with your main course, Nate begins to eat casually and you feebly attempt to do the same, each bite feeling like hot coals. This goes on for a scant five minute interlude until you can't take it anymore and slide your glasses atop your head and rub your eyes. You say his name, his full name, and he looks up at you mid bite.

 

What now, is all you ask.

He takes two beats, his hand frozen before realization washes over his face and he visibly relaxes, “Well uh... what do you want?”

You are unprepared for this question, both because you didn't really spend much time reflecting on that and also because you are so seldom asked about your feelings or preferences these days.

You stutter out a series of fumbling syllables, and he puts his fork down and wipes his mouth with his napkin.

“How about this... do you want things to take some giant shift between us?” You shake your head no, “You don't want to go on dates or anything right?”

Another nod signalling the negative.

“Hmmm... well then I think it's just good that we had the conversation, we know where we stand with each other and we just do whatever feels right to us. You're my best friend dude, I'm not looking to mess that up.”

Your shoulders sag and your chest deflates, the relief you feel in this moment is all powerful and you don't think you need to articulate anything else. Nate's hand reaches across for yours to do your hand-slap cum hand-shake and his thumb grazing over your knuckle feels like a promise you didn't know you needed.

“Eat you meal dude, or I'm gonna put my fork in the mix.” He winks at you and continues on with his meal after checking his watch briefly.

 

 

It will be weeks and weeks before anything transgresses between the two of you again.

 

 

\- -

 

 

Sugar and Spice.

When you lived in New York, Blair would always leave a trail of thick aroma behind her. You wanted to hate it, and often you were quite close to successful. Things like cinnamon, frosting, roses, amber and violet.

Just... too strong. Intrusive.

It's perfect for her you would often lament.

 

 

Here and now, how she smells is testament to how much she has changed, she has taken to wearing this handmade peach lotion courtesy of Raven. She often applies tea tree oil over her limbs as the mosquitoes have taken a preference to her usually warm temperature.

Your blood is too hot for them.

Peaches and Clean... that's the smell that reaches you when she spins on her heels and walks swiftly away from the scene you and Nate have greeted her with. You struggle to keep your heart rate down and Nate quickly feels you start to warm up and surprises you with a short peck, before starting to sit you up on the other side of the tub.

He sticks the plug in and starts running the cold water wordlessly.

You still feel very weak so you close your eyes, waiting, though you're not sure just for what. Blair returns shortly, she has an apron on which you quickly realize is because it is acting as a pseudo sack. Her hand reaches in and starts to pull out different sized containers that contain frozen water, she shoves one in Nate's face. He sighs, and places them one by one in the rising water, sneaking a wary glance at you which takes you back to Manhattan immediately. If you weren't so tired, the nostalgia would be delightful on some level you're sure.

The last thing to emerge from behind the apron is a tub of ice cream and a spoon ... Blair hops up onto the vanity opposite the both of you before removing the lid. Nobody says anything about the fact that this is something that she typically does only when she is sad or aroused, but you are sure all present are thinking it.

 

She stares at the two of you evenly, the spoon digging into the chocolate depths and says only one word. “Talk.”

 

 


	15. Act xv

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A kinder, happier more indepth summary is what you deserve but instead you're going to be getting the sale version which looks like this....
> 
> Summary goes something like, after a really long wait we get to see more of what our heroes' abilities can do!

 

This is why you are here, what you came for.

 

I repeat this like a mantra to myself, hushed, for only my ears. It's deathly silent, all the usual animal life seems to have fallen mute, there's not even the sound of the wind. In front me, in the far distance, I see a faint white glow rolling in this direction - like water that's been spilled out of a bucket gliding over a dry floor. The urge to run thrums through me, this isn't because of cowardice, I'd like to think it's the basic need to survive which is hard to just shut off.

Behind me, I can feel two very distinct sensations, one that's calming, the feeling of reassurance and relief. The other feels like a push, an increase, like oil on an open flame – only I'm the fire.

The three of us stand in silence, at the top of the basin - waiting.

There's an abandoned tattered structure about a mile north of the mouth of the basin, Dan tells us that this was the first place the original 5 settlers stayed while scouting the valley below and planning the settlement. It was once a ranch or farm of some sort, he says it was in a bad way when they first arrived and has only gotten worse in the past 4 years. I'm about to climb up the ladder of the water tower, its steel could very well be a conductor I don't really need. I'm not certain that I will draw lightning, but if I were honest with anyone other than myself, I don't want to believe that the pulse will be all I have to contend with. When my first-hand grasps the lowest rung Nate steps beside me and holds my wrist with a gentleness that he wields with expert levels of grace.

“Maybe you should go in the barn Blair.” I don't speak, my eyes look over at the building and wait for him to tell me what he's thinking. Dan seems to read his mind and verbalizes it for me to hear.

“Oh yeah, might be good to be in the building that meets the pulse first in case the fire is hard to contain.”

 My hand falls and I say one word, “Right.” We turn and start heading in the direction of the old brown barn.

About 2 minute's walk away, in the truck sits Carter, waiting to drive off if this fails. He will race against the clock to have Zach seal everyone in the caves.

 

No pressure or anything.

 

Nate's fingers worry the strap of an old messenger bag that sits on his shoulder. It's filled with a few things we will need if we're successful; water, changes of clothes – that sort of thing. Dan's got a walkie tucked into the back of his shorts, the steady crackle of static and the ever so faint hum of the truck's idle engine in the distance are the only sounds that fill the night.

The boys fall back a little way, talking about the ranch as we pass it, Dan points out different spots of entry, recalls the early days. Nate of course, suggests that some time is spent considering re-purposing the structure in a way that improves things down where we live.

“Like the watchtower, another sort of defensive asset, you know?” Dan agrees readily.

 I arrive in front the rotting doors first, the damp, stuffy smell is overwhelming and heavy.

 

“Okay.” It's Dan this time, “I'll wait out here, once you go in there's a way to get up to the loft by the window... back left corner.”

“Alright, back left.” I mutter, for Nate more than anything else, there's a high chance I won't be myself after this for days to come. He always takes it badly when I am withdrawn.

I turn to face him now, taking in the mask of worry that sits on his face, his pretty eyes look the saddest I've seen them in months. I'm sure that he, more than anyone else, understands why I must at least try to do this, but I know he's petrified of losing me. I wish I knew how to console him, like he always does and always will do for me, with even a modicum of his typical ease.

But I don't, I only have transparency and honesty “I don't know what to say to make this better for you, I wish I did.”

The way I see it, we don't have time for me to romance our last moments, or maybe I don't have it in me – I don't know. His hand comes to cradle my cheek and he breathes out slowly, licks his lips while he thinks. He then leans in and rubs his nose over mine briefly before whispering his next words onto my lips, “Whatever you want to say... Say it to me when this is over.”

With his fingers on my neck, I proceed to put all that I can't articulate into our kiss.

Dan comes to stand next to me and hooks his fingers through mine as we watch Nate's back as he retreats a few paces to wait and I whisper... “I'm scared.” I don't expect Dan to soothe me the way Nate does, I just know he will let my words – whatever they are - exist.

 

He steps in front me then, blocking Nate from my view, “I'll be in right behind you, I **will** find you Blair... as soon as the flames reach me, I'm coming for you.”

“S and Nate say it's not normal fire though...”

“If it's hot, I can not only handle it, I might even be able to manipulate it.”

He pulls me to him, he's burning up, so am I – I wonder - will we start a fire right now? He kisses me evenly on my cheekbone while squeezing me almost painfully, everything we do is shrouded in restraint I realize in this moment.

He steps back after placing a light peck on my mouth and tells me to hand him my shirt.

 

 

 

 

\- - - -

 

 

Your eyes rake over her skin in the moonlight, taking in every small detail just in case. You hate that this is what your mind reminds you, _just in case_. Hate what comes with it, first and last times, things that never were.

 

Reduced to... just in case.

 

She balls up her tee-shirt and sticks it into your waiting palm then turns after one long gaze with no words or platitudes - she is just gone. The two of you never say more than you need to, silences so empty yet so completely full.

 

You walk in opposite directions for a few seconds before you stop in front Nate and hand him her shirt, then your walkie talkie, and lastly your shorts. You consider making a crack about how much more awkward this strip down could be if not for the other night but refrain because with each step Blair takes further into the barn, Nathaniel Archibald falls apart a little bit more.

 

“Dude... what... what if this...”

 

You ponder what it is that makes you the safest option with which to be vulnerable among the three of you, since they both of them, insist on putting on a brave face for the other one.

 

You cut him off and say it won't fail, that Blair won't. He asks you, what makes you so sure and you put your hand on his shoulder and tell him because she can't. You don't stop there, you let him know for good measure that you can't either – that's your motivation. You can't fail because she needs you to come in there after her, that if the three of you fail then you're left defenceless in the open.

 

There's no room for anything else.

 

Nate's shoulders square out, and he nods once and slings the bag across his chest before clipping the walkie to its strap.

 

“Sorry man, panic spiral's over ... you know me ... my loved ones are the only thing that can undo me.”

 

You do know this. You think it to be one of his best qualities. He favours you with a humble smile that spreads slowly before he looks at the sky.

 

“Go to the door Dan, it's getting brighter – any minute now.”

 

You don't go to the door, instead, you stop equal distance between Nate and the entrance to the barn before sliding your slippers off and looking at the night get brighter and brighter. The silence is now as thick as molasses, and it swallows everything whole, and you note that the light begins to get bluer now that it's upon you. You think of Blair, alone, facing down what is going to break her apart – literally - and your heart starts pounding in your ears.

 

Old habits die hard and it takes a moment before you remember this is not a time for control so you relax, then look down at your hands, flexing your now orange fingers. When you look over your shoulder briefly you are greeted by Nate's shocked face as he places the bag on the ground near his feet. He puts the talkie to his face but you are too far to hear anything, and just in case.... once again ...you take him and this moment in.

 

Then a shrill guttural sound splits the air and on either side of the barn, you see what looks like a giant tidal wave halted in motion. Even though you plan to wait until flames actually manifest, before it's too soon, in that moment Blair wails two words – your names. Nate's response is completely involuntary, he drops everything in his hands and even though you're a deep orange colour your hands fly out as his whole body crashes into you.

 

In a very surreal series of seconds, a few things happen – Nate's ability completely shrouds him and you don't burn him – not even a little bit - though your skin is easily as hot as a branding iron. He screams Blair's name once before you push him back and shake him soundly in the name of getting his attention. He begs you to let him go, wherever the two of you touch there is a sort of yellow hued glow. It's the first time you've ever seen anything like it. Blair screams again, and you yell his name once before telling him, he has to stay, that you've got this because...

 

“ _I'm fireproof.”_

 

 

One More Wail, this time she just says your name. Nate's hands fall to his knees and he groans out, “Just go **now**.”

 

And right as a huge mushroom of light explodes, you burst into flames and dash towards the barn.

 

 

\-- --

 

 

 

_ Manhattan  _

 

 

So I guess I'm dreaming this time... unaware that I am currently burning, exploding.

  
As I've gotten older I've started to realize that some moments, whether you realize it or not, will later only exist for the purpose of foreshadowing.

You may not in real time appreciate the significance, at best you may scratch your head, ask yourself _why is this happening?_ Maybe it's no more than an acknowledgment that yes... this right here is kinda weird and unexpected. You have no idea that if your life were a book or a movie, that this scene later becomes flashback material. That someone, somewhere, telling the story of you - uses this moment and all its bizarre laurels to set up the future.

It is the summer before our second year at NYU is to start, factors equally random and rare occur that see me having only Nate to message for company. What are the odds really? That neither Chuck nor Serena are available to get together? When Nate hears my voice he is pleased that I am back and immediately asks what I'm doing, I've just left a screening of a film I know he would find boring and don't bother elaborating. Right as I start to suggest we grab dinner it's a complete 180, stutters and evasive manoeuvres a-plenty, my brows furrow and my eyes squint at his hems and haws.

 

“What the hell is going on Nate??” I have no patience for thinly veiled excuses, as I'm about to start going for the kill - Dan Fucking Humphrey steps in front me.

“Nate and I were going to grab dinner, if he's acting weird it's because he remembers that and knows you wouldn't be cool to join us – well, mostly me - it's not a scene you could handle Waldorf.”

 

Nate takes advantage in the lull in my tirade and starts blabbing about later in the evening, brunch tomorrow, “Nathaniel... I'm looking at Humphrey right now, he's spilled the beans.”

 Nate groans, and in that moment I want to be anything other than the unexciting monster they both seem to think I am... Yeah, I'm fucking contrary like that.

 “Anything you can enjoy I can enjoy more,” I say haughtily as Nate almost screeches into the phone while Humphrey only has an eye roll and eyebrow arch to offer.

 

 This not only proves to be my own private undoing, but it is also how I end up on a brownstone stoop at 2 in the morning on a very hot summer night with Dan Humphrey and Nate Archibald passing a joint back and forth. There is a pizza box at our feet, from some small indie place that got great reviews on something called _yelp_ that they both _“needed”_ to try. Earlier, when we get there, the hole in the wall was crammed full of pretentious poseurs front to back and Humphrey took one look at my face and tacked on a quick **'to go'** at the end of their order.

I don't tell them that the pizza is actually amazing, I allow the 3 slices I gorged on to speak for themselves, I will later picture my exercise room when I reach for a fourth. Nate is pleased and Humphrey impressed.

The joint they're sharing has come from a girl in one of Dan's classes who lives inside said brownstone, I assume they're fucking based on the way she looks up at him through her lashes and the lingering touch she leaves on the inside of his elbow. I assume, also that it is very casual because she doesn't even startle at the sight of me... although I guess I am far from Dan's type.

 

This line of thinking gives me (very disturbed) pause.

It is weird for me, to see him that way outside of our circle, as a sexual being... as opposed to my previous interpretations which may or may not have included things akin to - water bottle, picket fence, grasshopper. I always just figured his allure for the other girls I know was that whole... forbidden fruit meets 'slummin' it' factor. The thrill of rebelling against pedigree by sticking your hands where they have no business being.

 Nate pulls me back against his chest in a very innocent familiar way and passes their nearly done “treat” and when my eyes linger on Dan's lips I decide I really don't know what is going on, but I don't like it.

_What the **hell** was in this pizza?_

I decide to dismiss this entire night, dump it out and not archive any moment of it for further scrutiny. It is an anomaly amongst many nights of the familiar – the familiar being a landscape wherein Dan looks and feels like he always does to me.

Read: nights where I **don't** feel my pulse quicken when his hand uses my knee as a platform to make some passionate point to Nate – his two fingers acting as punctuation for strong words. A night where, when his lazy smile makes an appearance after one of my biting remarks, I instead see it as a petulant scowl. When his hand jerks out intending to shove Nate playfully or deflect some joke made at his expense and instead falls on my shoulder fleetingly, I am outraged instead of secretly warmed.

 

You know, Normal.

 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

Blair is unconscious for 5 days.

 

 

There is a debate for all of one and a half days as to whether she is to stay down at Dr. Richardson's observation room – not for lack of his insistence and poorly hidden curiosity. Nate eventually in a rare moment of intensity puts his foot down, before putting his hand up no less, to say that she has been _fine before_ without a clinic and that he doesn't want her waking up somewhere strange. His emphasis on before leaves no room for argument, and the Doctor instead comes to the bungalow twice a day and at least manages to leave a basic monitor for her vitals in the room.

 

You may or may not have played a part in getting Nate to relent on this, you point out that this is something other than an accidental overcharge, her hair at the nape of her neck now is a deep, dark blue – like a basket of blueberries. You tell him, there's so much you don't know but more importantly, it's no longer his only option – he **can** know more.

 

What you don't express overtly so as not to scare him or Serena, is that you _**saw**_ , you saw it all and you can't imagine how it is safe or has gone on this long. You don't tell them that if this decision fell to you alone you would have that very night, picked up her warm, limp nude body and taken her **straight** to Dr. Richardson. The fact that you are now the only person, including Blair herself that can report what happens when she explodes is not lost on the doctor either. He eventually finds you on the third day while you're working alone in the greenhouse to distract yourself.  
  
After a few feeble attempts at discourse, he gives you updates he already knows you have on Blair so you stab the earth with your trowel and evenly ask him what he wants to know.

 

“Everything.” Is his reply.

 

When you describe what you saw that night it pulls you right back, your voice becomes a narrator to even yourself – as you fly above the images in your mind's eye – looking down as it unfolds. When you reach the heavy doors that night and drag it back, the flames cling to the spot where your hand just was. It doesn't spread fast, probably hampered by the damp rot that is woven throughout. Upon the upper loft of the barn is Blair, on her knees with her hands pressed against what looks like a wall of energy that is quickly softening and crashing around her.  
  
You only have the time to take two steps before it happens, if you had to compare it to anything it would be like a light bomb. You're blinded for about 5 beats, your flames go all the way up in defence and when you regain the ability to see again, what looks like a constellation of cobalt fireflies floats in the air around fast spreading almost white flames that are covering the hay covered ground. The flames after some time eventually turn into regular fire starting at the centre which, your guess is the origin point and spreading outwards. You cannot see Blair anywhere and your heart is in your throat – your own fire crackling and catching onto hay under your bare feet. The fireflies are starting to fall, floating down slowly almost like a slow snowfall that resembles a ballet and you keep stomping forward until you reach the border of the still white flames.

 

You press your toe in experimentally and find that unlike regular fire you can feel it's warmth. It's a shock – but it doesn't stop you and it certainly doesn't burn – you're almost impressed that you can still feel this sensation externally and not only from the inside out.

 

When you look back to the eye of the fire, you can see that the fireflies have taken the form of a body and you don't need to wait to know that this is Blair. Your gait slows right down, your flames stay up and eventually she becomes the form you expect but her body is covered in the light blue flames you've been warned about. A fire ripple, blue, yellow, the white by your feet which has begun fading into yellow even as you keep moving.

 

She's on her side, her back slightly to you - still; not moving – not even breathing. When you reach her the flame is very low and you hesitate, unsure if you can touch her. Fingers trace her shoulder and she feels very hot under your touch and it's all you need to pick her up, overcome with a desperate need to get out before the whole building comes down. You are back to the centre of the barn heading for the door when an unholy creak starts droning above you. Blair is still covered in a low flame that is ever so slowly shrinking and you are anxious to get out of the barn so that you can turn down your own blaze before she stops burning.

 

The door you touched on your way in is now fully ablaze, crumbling and crackling like some sort of standing campfire. You cross the threshold, your eyes searching for Nate – who when you find him - is entirely shrouded in the same yellow glow you saw earlier. You briefly wonder if this is his ability running unbridled as a result of heightened stress and if so... what is the full extent of his power? You run towards each other, Blair's body flops slightly in response to your hops through the high grass and brambles that slowly burn away when you make contact.

 

There is a brief moment of an awkward hug, and then you kneel down and stop burning while leaning Blair's still low flaming body against your chest waiting for it to cease so that you can dress the both of you. Nate's breaths heave out of him, his eyes glassy from tears not yet shed. Neither of you speaks a work when he reaches a hand out, hooks it behind your neck and presses your foreheads together, silent, still, eyes closed.

 

The three of you glow on, orange, yellow and white.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone,
> 
> So I think it's obvious when you go into my Table of Contents and examine post dates that something has been off in the past year and a half if not more. I, of course, have shared different glimpses into any misfortunes that may have befallen me but I've not really delved into the nitty gritty of it. I will say if you're still waiting/following/care about this piece, thank you, and thanks for giving me the benefit of the doubt that I would be back. The truth is this chapter - which took a long time to complete yes... has been done for months now... but my mental state has gotten so bad it is a task to do even the simplest things. I also haven't been able to write well in months due to a precarious and stressful living situation. I can't make any promises about speediness or anything like that but I CAN say it's very important to me not to abandon this piece even if I can't update it at the rate I'd like.
> 
> Much love to anyone who reached out and anyone reading this now.  
> Cheers.


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